Dig Your Own Grave

The Bagger 288

Why? Because it fucking says so, that’s why.
What we are looking at here is a German-built strip-mining machine created for the purpose of shredding the arsehole out of anything that gets in its way. It’s so aesthetically hardcore it would make Satan tremble in fear at the thought of standing next to it to piss at a urinal.

It’s vital statistics show it to be 220 metres long and 96 metres high with a rotating saw weighing in at a hefty 21.6 metres in diameter. In 2001, when it was last used for its purpose of displacing excess earth prior to coal-mining, it could move at a lumbering ten metres per minute when supplied with a staggering 16.56 megawatts of electricity. Luckily for mankind, this power hungry beast is no longer in practical application having been put out to stud over a decade ago involving an epic transportation of 22 kilometres away from its mining stronghold, costing the German economy over 150 million Deutsch marks.

So how does one begin to review a leviathan of such epic proportions without being bogged down in phallic imagery and pure testosterone fuelled panting? Well, let us begin by studying the first and most notable segment of this machine, the mounted circular saw. Both practically and aesthetically this is the crowning glory of the Bagger 288. Not only was it capable of shredding through 240,000 cubic metres of overburden in one day, it has the physical presence of an atomic bomb at a World Peace convention. It doesn’t just do exactly what it says on the tin, it probably had those same tins queuing up round the block to be melted down and allowed to be part of its awesome being.

Jesus Christ Stefan, what will it take for you to admit we’re lost?

However, avert your gaze from the destructo-section of the Bagger for a moment, and take a longer look at the structure holding that saw up. It looks exactly like the helicopter I tried to construct from the meccano set I was given when I was six. You’d think for the world’s largest circular powered saw the designers would at least try to spice up the structure a bit. Maybe some kick-ass flames spray-painted on the side or a half-naked lady straddling a dragon, you know, something subtly more impressive. To be fair, this is the same country which gave us the Audi, one of the least physically appealing cars ever invented, unless you have a box fetish.

Minor aesthetic gripes aside, let’s take a look at the Bagger’s efficiency. I’ve already mentioned the massive amounts of power needed to put this mechanism in motion, but if there’s one thing the Germans do get right, it is efficiency. For every megawatt the Bagger consumed, it revealed and mined over twenty times that in coal. The reason it’s no longer used is because the moment it stopped working to maximum efficiency, it was hauled away to await its next calling. Let’s hope North Korea never hear about this.

Finally, I find it pertinent within any review to study ones subject from the general ambiance and pleasurable satisfaction it exudes from not just my own personal perspective but from a societal aspect as well. In this instance however, I think it would suffice to merely bow down to the Bagger 288 as our new overlord and give it whatever it demands.

Article by Duncan Stevens


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