What’s better than spending a paltry $85 to have a picture of yourself zombified? Spending $85 to have a picture of yourself zombified, and realizing that you’re still gorgeous even as a zombie.

This game is not Pacman. It is something far better. It is Pacxon. Do not play Pacxon if you are sensitive to or have ever had an allergic reaction to it. Do not play Pacxon for at least 14 days after taking a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAO inhibitor) such as the antidepressants Nardil and Parnate. Pacxon and MAO inhibitors may interact to cause a sharp, potentially life-threatening rise in blood pressure.

Ever since Tivo blew apart the world of television advertising, marketing firms have had to come up with ever more interesting, elaborate and humorous commercials. This pleases me.

Quite possibly the greatest moment ever on The People’s Court.

Seeing as it’s Halloween in three days, I thought this might help you procrastinators come up with some last minute costume ideas.

Here’s a fluffy white snowball game to start off your week. The object of the game is to roll your balls so that they are at least as big as my balls. And mine, if I hadn’t mentioned it already, are absolutely gigantic. You have your mission.

How do Mormons react to door-to-door proselytizing by a couple of atheists trafficking in The Origin of Species? About as well as I do when those Latter-day Saints c*#kf!*kers ring my doorbell at 10 in the morning!

Finally, a practical use for my golden snail costume.

I honestly don’t understand why all these young celebrities and rich Greek shipping heirs have decided to model their Hollywood experience on high school. Is it because they never got to experience real high school themselves, or are they all just that dumb?

Those of you not from the U-S-of-A might not be aware that today is Thanksgiving. A day when we give thanks to the baby jesus for fighting off Napolean and the Wild Turkey Army and for saving us from being pecked to death and also from our own sins. Or something like that. And we celebrate it by not updating websites and by eating ourselves into comas. Rejoice!

Now that you’ve had all this practice playing Double Wires, you can move on to the more challenging Pendulumeca. The principle is the same but you’ve only got one wire and it’s faster paced. And crappier. Kind of like your score compared to mine. Which was 220m.

Mr. T’s back with more advice, this time about personal fashion. Because hey, everybody’s gotta wear clothes. Remember to table the label and wear your own name.

If there’s one thing better than a game all about squares, it’s a game all about circles. And perhaps a game about topless supermodels. With laserbeam-eyes. And big hooters. And a tank and maybe a robotic sidekick.

Michael Richards, better known as Kramer from the television show Seinfeld, had a racist meltdown on stage at the Laugh Factory in West Hollywood on Friday. That’s why you don’t mess with Kramer. Because he’s like ice, buddy. When he doesn’t like you, you’ve got problems.