Darkness has fallen upon the Kingdom of the Taint (a.k.a. Tainted Kingdom). Demonstrate your unconditional love for the holy land of the Taint and lead it’s great armies down the dark sweaty path to victory.

This overweight seven-year-old with a huge head stole his grandmother’s SUV, took it for a joy ride, and crashed it into things. He wanted to do some hoodrat stuff.

Put on your yalmulka, here comes Hanukkah. It’s so much fun-akkah to celebrate Hanukkah.

Unfortunately for Ameriquest, they followed this motto too closely and now they’re out of business. They even gave a mortgage to that strange homeless man that defecates on the sidewalk by my office. Well, I guess he’s not homeless anymore. His house is actually nicer than mine. Still does that sidewalk pooping though.

Some people need a trained eagle and a magic sword to bring justice to evil doers. Personally I think all you need is a coat rack and one of those oily one-legged city pigeons.

Sure, the Festo Airjelly looks cool now, but just wait until an army of them are floating through the air towards your town, brain suckers at the ready.

A team of skydiving crooks led by DEA-agent-turned-bad-guy Gary Busey specialize in landing on police roofs and breaking in so their evil computer hacker can steal undercover agents’ files and sell them to drug lords. Or wait… no, it’s just an adding game.

In America, we travel on trains filled with hobo pee, and possibly hobo feces, while in Japan the populace travels in the finest of Swedish luxury.

Can there be a better way to put an engineering education to use than to develop a game simulating the fluid dynamics of mucus? Well if there is, I don’t want to know about it.

All that Killer Croc wants, is another baby. He’s gone tomorrow, boy.

Octagons, hexagons, pentagons, blah blah blah blah blah. I ask you, what good has geometry ever done anyone? Exactly. It is useless, and therefore must be destroyed.

My Mii doesn’t look anything like me, yet somehow these people were able to create Mii celebrity lookalikes. (possibly NSFW due to some gigantic breasts.)

If you still don’t know what you want to do with your life, perhaps this game will help you discover a budding interest hydroponics you never knew you had. Career-wise, I’m not sure what you can do with hydroponic skills, but I’m sure you’ll get high by. *cough*

This public service announcement seems to be suggesting that if you drink and drive, Dr. Evazan and Pomda Baba will cut you in your sleep. They’re wanted men you know.

There are two valuable lessons that can be learned from today’s game. First, by working together a team of people can achieve more than any single individual. And second, lesson one only holds true if there’s just one person in charge.

How could someone so annoying create something so wonderful?

I remember when this game was called Moai. I also remember when I put on my pants this morning. Oh wait… no I don’t.

Just like the kings of old had personal tasters to ensure that what they were about to consume wasn’t poisoned, this guy has a personal chihuahua to make sure what he eats isn’t disgusting.

The day I see a cupcake lying on the ground and don’t immediately eat it is the same day I put on a Wonder Woman suit and ride around town on a flying pig. I’m sorry guys, but for this game you’re on your own.

The Worst Fight Scene Ever has some new competition, care of the U.S.S. Enterprise, and her skipper, James T. Kirk.