I think these housepets are going to get a visit from the reanimated corpse of Postmaster General Wilford Brimley.

The title of this game promised me cursors. When I read “Cursor Chaos” I picture an orgy of multi-colored arrows, hourglasses, and pointing fingers, all shooting me, shooting each other, insulting my mother, crying, peeing on my couch, and making out with Cindy Seabrook in the closet. I’m not going to lie, I was a little disappointed.

There truly is nothing worse for the budding space Olympian than to be told by a space albino that Space Disk is totally cancelled.

Electricity is all sorts of useful. For instance, electricity is used to power snowmobiles, to make cars move (but not hybrids), and without electricity there would be no plants or animals. Think of how quiet and lonely the world would be without electricity! It would just be us and the robots.

Oh Family Guy, is there anything you can’t make wonderful?

So the other day this pretty influential guy was talking to me, and he was like, “Admin, you are so super cool the way you make games and stuff”. And I was like, “Thanks God, you’re pretty cool yourself, the way you created the universe and stuff. Oh, except for the part where you made testicles on the outside.” Seriously, what’s up with that?

Eyebrows and awesome music combine to make you… want chocolate?

I had my own real life ultimate crab battle once. Actually it wasn’t that bad, you just get this special shampoo and it clears it right up.

What I learned from this viral video is that no one in Britain actually rides the train. They’re all just paid to be there by the cell phone companies.

I’m not going to go into details, but the last time I experienced a giant diamond being tossed into the ocean under a beautiful sunset was my famous botched wedding proposal of 1997. Note to self: next time try waiting for the restraining order to expire before proposing.

Move over Sasha Fierce, you’ve just been out Beyoncé’d.

Now the way I was raised, the term “Eskimo” is not considered very politically correct. The preferred term is actually “Inuit”. And we all know what that means – it’s time for you to rise up and fight this injustice. And it’s time for me to see what’s on the Tivo.

I’m Batman.

Well today is President’s Day in the US, and we all know what that means. It means I can sit here on my couch in pantless glory until midnight and nobody can say a damn thing about it. Sometimes I like to refer to this particular holiday by it’s more common name – “Monday”.