You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise. It’s crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why is that?

I’m not sure what kind of animal this is, but I am sure it is adorable.

I can relate. Damn crabs are always stealing my hats.

Denny’s has created a commercial marketed toward one of its two major demographics. Now all we need is a commercial starring a loud redneck family.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m not a big fan of fantasy RPGs, but I heard this one is pretty fun. Honestly I couldn’t get very far into it, as soon as I saw the anime-eyed pirate fighting the puffy cat cloud my gaydar exploded.

Little Mac and his coach Doc Louis from Punch Out are back after 15 years to compete again for the W.V.B.A. title.

Does it make me a bad person if I just want to shoot EVERYONE?

Star Wars obviously wins.

I recently had a conversation with my brother about food poisoning, and like many brothers before us we came to a deadlock on the age old question – which is worse, explosive diarrhea or vomiting? Thankfully we can now solve this problem scientifically using a poll.

No wonder Canada is so full of terrists. *

* Not actually true.

Little known fact: I invented bridges in 1635.

United States: 8.5
Russia: 9.0
Finland: 8.5

Little known fact: Neon lights were invented in 1893 by Tibetan monks as a way to make strip club signs more visible from great distances. Actually, that’s not entirely accurate. I think they were called “working men’s clubs” back then. Or nipple derbies?

The most useless, yet most hilarious, soundboard ever. AHH HAAAAA YEAAAAH!