Dizrali: The gaming industry has long offered us insights into the ultimate goals of the zeitgeist psyche. As an escapist medium it grants players the opportunity to become whomever they wish to be, and the plethora of games that have been available on the market means almost everyone is catered to. For those who wish to experience the thrill of being a buxom lady scouring tombs in search of forgotten relics there is the Tomb Raider series, while others who have always dreamed of being the star of their favorite sport are placed straight into the action via EA Sport’s never-ending sequels to American football, Australian football and, of course, golf. Pacman was even able to emulate the rave environment for those too poor or afraid of police raids to experience the sweaty, claustrophobic effect of charging around a poorly lit arena munching on pills and avoiding ‘spooks’.
Oh yes he did.
So what, I hear you cry, was the dream of the Internet savvy individual in early 2007? A very good question indeed dearest reader, and one that I am unfortunately unable to answer on my own. For us to truly come to grips with the game of February 2007 I have managed to track down the one and only man fully insane enough to aid me in decoding the many hidden meanings and subtexts of that years box office smash: Fart Fart. Please put your hands together for your dog-poop evading hero, the pantless crusader and all around thoroughly good egg himself, heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeres Admin.
Admin: Thank-you sir – and without further delay, let me dive right in. Fart Fart is at it’s core a classic arcade shooter along the lines of the original Tie Fighter or Terminator 2 arcade machines – you, a gun, and endless waves of enemies. Only in this case there is no gun, only the seductively gyrating ass of a diminutive Asian man who has eaten too much Kimchi and dog meat for lunch. That’s right folks – you’re controlling his bum. You could even go so far as to say you own that ass. I wouldn’t stop you. But instead of waves of imperial Tie Fighters and pixilated T-400s, you’re fighting off waves of intestinal cramps and the accusing stares of your neighbor at the bus stop. And that is your plight, valiant Fart Fart protagonist: to balance the pain in your bowels with the shame in your heart.
So Dizrali, what was your opinion of the game’s controls?
Human digestion as perceived in Korean culture.
Dizrali: Admin, let me level with you here a minute. I’m a man of simple pleasures, a person who appreciates the finer points of life and one who doesn’t like to get bogged down with overly complicated situations. I suppose in general I like my games how I like my women: nicely packaged, well presented and accompanied by an in-depth manual explaining exactly what buttons control which parts. Wait, what was the question again? Something about women? Admin, we really must try to not get too sidetracked here, I’m certain these good people are much more interested in hearing about games than about the ladies. Err… graphics?
Admin: Any avid gamer will tell you that graphics are a vital component to any game, because good graphics and a feeling of immersion go hand-in-hand. And Fart Fart does quite an admiral job in the graphics department. Although somewhat dated, the graphics are realistic for a Flash game; from the Formula 1 cars driving by the bus stop to the smooth and shapely buttocks of the main characters. And what would this game be without shapely buttocks? Just another cheap flatulent simulator with pixelated posteriors and unrealistic uranuses. But as you know Dizrali, graphics aren’t the only element required in a good immersive game – there’s also the audio. And I just got a brand new Razer Barracuda AC-1 3D sound card and can’t wait to test it out on some worthy games. So is Fart Fart worthy?
Rectal ignition is achieved.
Dizrali: You sir, have just entered the Fart Fart elite. Upon purchase of any sound card capable of higher definition than the Wave-Slave-Blaster-Master-50000 – which your delightfully titled sound creating chip certainly is – one of Fart Fart’s plethora of ‘Easter Eggs’ becomes immediately apparent. Those stuck with their laughably pathetic ‘Fostex’ tower speaker stacks or obsolete ‘Asus Xonars’ will not lose out per se, they will still experience the infinitely hilarious quacks and parps of General Trumpington as he slyly squeezes out trump after trump. However, those in the upper echelons of sound appreciation through smart HD sound card purchase (available today for only $895, I’ve got a van full round the back. Keep it shtum though, if the police catch me again I’m for it) may notice a slight difference. That being that every time the spacebar is pressed, rather than merely hearing a single bottom burp the player is treated to the full eight minute score by Bernard Herrmann, the theme to the 1976 classic ‘Taxi Driver’ with the brass section replaced by the Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestra after a night out on ‘Curry Mile’. Cleverly, those magical Korean technowhiz’s have found a way of condensing the entire score into a one second sound clip without losing any of the original pace or timing. How does it work? I don’t know, but it does! Did you notice any other Easter eggs Admin?
Admin: I’m a little upset you brought this up buddy. Talking about easter eggs can be a real prickly pickle. The paradox is that once you reveal an easter egg it is no longer an easter egg. Speaking of them sucks the joy right out of their sassy little existence. I could tell you about the special key combination that will make our protagonist drop a deuce in his underpants like the foul old piggie he is, but I will not. Nor will I tell you about the special mouse-swipe pattern that will produce the smell of a smoldering baby diaper from your laptop’s speakers. These pleasures need to be discovered on your own!
Johnny Fartpants, farting in his pants. Johnny.
Dizrali: Terribly sorry there old chap, I don’t know what came over me. Listen folks we’re running out of time quite drastically here so let’s have a quick recap before we send this review to bed without any supper like the naughty little scamp it has been. So; graphically Fart Fart excels in almost every possible way. I for one have never seen a more realistic depiction of a man desperately trying to chuff without being noticed, not since I visited the Vatican at any rate. The in-game sounds and music really add to the immersive atmosphere already created by the HD graphics, and the controls feel so natural you may believe yourself to be Jonny Fartpants himself standing there in that queue, endlessly waiting for a bus that will never come. Admin, just before we go, did the existential nature of the game’s open-ended storyline bring as much contemplation to you as it did for myself?
Admin: No Dizrali, it did not.
Article by Duncan Stevens and Mr. Admin