No matter how cute you try and draw a cartoon hedgehog, it will never, ever, ever ever ever, look as cute as a real life hedgehog. I think it’s one of the laws of physics.

That’s not a knife, this is a… holy crap, wait that is a knife.

A new day is dawning on The Great Fish Week of 2008. We’ve nearly reached the end, and I tell you I couldn’t be more excited. In celebration, I’ll be shoving a live trout down my trousers, and I suggest you do the same. It’s delightful!

Hexiom – it’s just like Dungeons and Dragons, only minus the goblins, trolls, magic missiles, dungeon masters, dark caves, taverns, elves, dwarves, dice, nerds, more elves, chainmail armor, potions, orcs, half-elves, dragons, spells, super-nerds, giant lizard birds that you can fly, kinghts?, maidens, wizards, warlocks, witches, and… what I’m really trying to say is this game has hexagons in it.

Bounce… bounce… bounce.. bounce.bounce. SPLODE. Bounce… bounce… bounce.. bounce.bounce.bounce. SPLODE. Bounce bounce bou-SPLODE. Booooounceeee…..? No, SPLODE.

Get used to it.

In celebration of the new school year, today’s game is all about arithmetic. And don’t you dare think of complaining! If you want to be smart and successful like me, you have to learn your maths. It’s easy – just add up numbers until you reach 10. For instance: 2 + 4 + uh..7 + uh… 8… teen… Hey, look! Free XBox! *runs away*

Some things are just so ridiculous that they command respect. Like for instance, this game, or the Hungarian Komondor.

Look, I don’t want to scare any of you out there, but zombies are coming to eat your brains, and soon. Like tomorrow. Probably around 3pm. We’re planning on grabbing some Taco Bell first, so we may be a little late. Excuse me, they might be a little late. Heh.

Here is a game for when you are bored at work that simulates you being bored at work. Ingenious? Ingenious.

I’ve gotten 10 in a row so far. I must be pants!

One sure-fire way to produce a hit game is to take two classic games and merge them into one. But if you want your new game to be extra awesome, then you also need to incorporate pooping. For poop makes everything better – it’s a scientific fact.

We’ve combined pooping with Tetris, and the results were pooperrific. Now it’s time to combine the United States of America with Tetris. And the results are… pooperrific?

You still wake up sometimes, don’t you? Wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the beans?

PS: Who is your favorite bean?

In an attempt to add some excitement to an otherwise very mellow game, the rest of this post will be in German. Die Luftblase Schweine ausrotten, die deinen desktop Schirm eingedrungen haben! Dein Land hängt von dir ab!

Sure, Guitar Hero is great for all you kids who are aspiring to be greasy-haired rock stars. But what if your musical aspirations consist of playing keyboards in a fruity Euro house band? Well Up Beat is just for you my friend! Turn up your speakers, grab a glow stick, and try not to stay up too late.

In this game you have to try and save Sir Whitey McBlockster from a deadly pool of rising lava. It takes a combination of luck, strategy, and patience to do well, but with practice you can actually get some pretty high scores.

You’re not going to let me keep that gold, are you?

Simple enough. Spin around and collect the stars. Green is good, red is bad. It’s like Christmas in space! Without presents!

There’s an old saying, “When life gives you lemons, smash those *#$&%s into the ground with the largest club you can find. Fill the streets with their sour citrus blood until not a single one is left whole”. Or… something like that.

Do you love Guitar Hero? Do your parents not love you enough to buy it for you? Well stop crying cry-baby! Now thanks to the internet you can play this two-dimensional Guitar Hero clone that features a collection of songs by people who aren’t famous!

My favorite part of the game is the way he lies there shivering at the bottom of the stairs. Poor little fella… Somebody give that stickman a cuddle!

Today I am pleased to announce the launch of our very first Dig Your Own Grave exclusive game. And let me tell you, I couldn’t be more excited. The game features some of my most favorite things in the world, including guns, giant explosions, advanced force-field technology, and of course, shooting endangered manatees.

Today’s game is brought to you by the colors red, green, and blue. And by the letter M. And by plasma weapons.

Looks like someone’s farted in the pool again, and it’s up to you to collect all those stinky bubbles before they reach the surface and distribute their noxious fumes.

Just look at all those sad faces. Thankfully it’s not an Elliott Smith concert, it’s just the new hit game Blocky! Now it’s up to your to free all those frowns or who knows what they’ll do. Thank goodness they don’t have arms…

Crying candies. My gosh, have you ever heard of anything so sad? Somebody give those little guys a cuddle!

Hurray, hoorah, it’s another DDR keyboard game. But this one throws in color-matching to infuriate the color blind, and an excruciating soundtrack to lobotomize anyone unfortunate enough to own computer speakers. And why you ask? Because life’s just not hard enough.

Fly your dragon through the crazy tunnel maze and don’t hit any walls. Where do you think he’s going in such a rush? Dragon Happy Hour? A custody hearing? Maybe he just has to go to the bathroom.

Finally, a geography game that targets the entire world. Now all of you showoffs can prove how worldly you really are (with a Rankosaurus screenshot of course). I would post my own score, but honestly I can’t find my own apartment most nights. Thank goodness for bus shelters.

This little game is surprisingly addictive. It’s a shame the music makes me want to throw kittens into a wall.

Merry Christmas Fruitcakes!

PS: If you don’t celebrate Christmas, have a happy Tuesday anyways. Oh yeah, and the baby Jesus hates you.

What is it about kittens that makes a person want to let them plummet to their deaths, or to fire them out of a cannon?