You see? You should have actually paid attention in math class instead of just passing notes and snapping girl’s bras. Now aliens are going to destroy the world and it’s pretty much all your fault.

In honor o’ this most excellent seafarin’ hearty game, all comments must be port in official seafarin’ hearty speak. Ya lily livered scurvy dog!

Today’s game is brought to you by the colors red, green, and blue. And by the letter M. And by plasma weapons.

The Japanese have no respect for Flash games. What are these little totem guys? Where is the shotgun? Shouldn’t there be zombies somewhere? I demand bad techno music!

We haven’t done a puzzle game for a while have we? I’m pretty sure we haven’t. This game was originally created ten thousand years ago circa 21 A.D. by ancient Mesopotamian goat farmers as a way to pass the time between their morning chores and Viking attacks. Aaaaaaaand… I just made that up.

This makes me wonder how many penises have been hidden in all the cartoons I’ve watched over the years.

Click groups of three or more like-colored blocks to make them disappear. Don’t let the blocks reach the top or something bad will happen. I’m not going to say exactly what, but it may involve your mom, three stray cats, 1 jar of spaghetti sauce, former UFC heavyweight champion Tim ‘The Maniac’ Sylvia, and a lightbulb.

Here is a game for when you are bored at work that simulates you being bored at work. Ingenious? Ingenious.

I’ve gotten 10 in a row so far. I must be pants!

You’re on your own for this one guys. I have a fear of spiders that is all too real, and a reaction to seeing them that is all too feminine. As soon as those fat mutants started crawling down the screen I yelped like a chihuahua and ran straight into the bathroom.

Move yer mouse left and right to help me keep me pint steady. TRY NOT TO SPILL ALL MY BLOODY BEER.

Now that’s pants!

YOU: Hey, this game is just like the last drunken beer balancing game you put up!
ME: Yes it is.
YOU: You’re an idiot! Your website sucks! You’re gay!

There, I saved you the trouble.

Help the poor little boneless man avoid the metal spikes raining down from the sky! I was able to dodge 135. Coincidentally that is the same number of pushups I do every morning. Right before I head off to male supermodel school. Just some little facts I thought you might be interested in… *cough* ladies.

Put aside your feelings about mice and help this little rodent stuff his belly with mountains of delicious cheese! I’m just going to leave my highscore in the comments. If I wrote it right up here the demoralizing wave that would blast out of your computer when you read it would probably kill you.

You might think that because this game is called ‘Red’ that it has something to do with Communism. And you would be absolutely right. I base that statement on nothing other than extreme paranoia and what some have called a ‘wild, dangerous’ imagination. Use your breast-shaped turret to blast those commie rocks back into the potato fields of Mother Russia. Freedom and Democracy are counting on you!

This is one of those games that the more I play, the worse I get. And that makes me want to play it more, which makes me suck at it even harder. It’s a vicious cycle, and it will end with me naked, crying, and possibly in the wrong apartment. 66.13 was my best, but that was many games ago…

I love these little games that only take 15 seconds to play. 15 seconds to demonstrate my complete dominance over a pair of balls. Uh… wait… Well anyways, 18.148 seconds to be exact. Beat that show-offs!!

I like this game because it has three different game modes. And that means I can dominate all of you in three different ways using only a single game. It’s like triple-domination time, baby. Prepare to be dominated. Three times.

Arcade: 47 stars/71.70 secs, Countdown: 106 stars, Sprint: 18.43 secs

Now before you try and tear out my heart through your modem, please note that I am not just reposting an old game, but have in fact supplemented an old game with our spanking new High Scores feature. Yes, now all you obsessive lovelies can log your high score screenshots on the Dig Your Own Grave Leaderboard for official ranking. Click the gold medal in the upper right and check it out!

One of the oldest and most popular games on Dig Your Own Grave is Cubefield. It’s so simple a two-fingered monkey could play it, but at the same time it’s so fun that you will spontaneously burst into tears of joy while playing it. And, we’ve just set it up with our new High Scores system, so you might want to check that all out before you officially become the lamest lame-o on the block.

My strategy with hand-to-hand fighting games has always been to smash as many buttons as I can, as quickly as I can, all while acting like I know exactly what I’m doing. It’s the same strategy I use at work when sitting in front of the computer, and it has worked as well for me there as is does in this game. And that is to say very, very,very, badly.

I’m not sure what is more challenging, keeping my bug going for as long as possible, or stopping myself from clicking so fast that I skip right over my score and start the game again. I’ve never yelled so much at my finger in my life; it’s like it has a mind of its own. A cheeky mind.

What do you get when you cross today’s brightest minds in software engineering with the latest advancements in graphical acceleration technology? You get a game with two geometric shapes and two colors. But it is kinda fun.

Folks, it’s time to take your Xtreme sports pastime to the next level. Leave your parachute at home, but don’t forget a bag of Doritos and a six-pack of Monster Energy Drink. We’re going Cliff Diving. Xtreme Cliff Diving™.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the Zen-ness of this game as it is, but throw in some swimming zombies and strap an assault weapon to the dolphin’s head and I think we would have Game of the Year.

This is a very simple endurance game involving a bunch of balls. And now that we have that out of the way we can begin the mandatory ‘I love playing with balls’ comments in three, two, one… go!

Aggressive Alpine Skiing mixes guns, skiing, radical jumps and an original soundtrack reminiscent of bad European techno. Awesome!

Although this game is fantastically cool, I cannot help but think of how much cooler it would be if these talented game developers had made it about a pirate and not a ninja. Instead of lasers there would be cannonballs, and instead of all this silly jumping there would be swashbuckling. And there would also be ale, and a parrot, and eyepatches. I think I’ve made my point.

If there’s one thing that bees love, its coins. And stinging other bees. And thus is the paradox of your life as a bee. Collecting coins but not getting stung by your fellow bees while you do it. And rocking hard, don’t forget you always got to rock it hard.

Sure you guys may be great at shooting zombies and performing lethal back kicks with stickmen, but how are your bubble popping skills? Not bad you say? WRONG. THEY ARE WEAK. And you are weak. Now get in there and burst some bubbles. I demand no less than excellence from my Flash warriors.

Don’t turn your back on this one. It may look straight forward, but it will mess with your head. It wants to break your mojo. It will insult your mother. It’s got the hots for your sister. It will steal your dog and rename him ‘Douche’. It has no respect for you or your silly three dimensions. You’ve been warned!

Drunken souls… gosh, such a nuisance. I swear I get the apartment sprayed at least once and month and they still keep coming back.

Yes, it’s the Fourth of July, and hey look, a fireworks game! I’m not going to try and tell you that this is an awesome game, but I want to point out that if you play this for half an hour it’s as good as going out in public and watching the real ones. And staying inside on holidays is always a good idea. Especially when you don’t have pants on. Learn from my mistakes people.

You still wake up sometimes, don’t you? Wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the beans?

PS: Who is your favorite bean?

The time has come again my friends. It’s time to whoop some stickman ass. These dudes went and shot down the Chickencopter! Nobody shoots down the Chickencopter and gets away with it.

Physics + Balls = Edutainment.

The rules of the game are simple enough. Destroy everything in your path in the virtual world, all while destroying your ENTER key in the real world. Make sweet love to the wind, and poop out some tornado babies.

Looks like someone’s farted in the pool again, and it’s up to you to collect all those stinky bubbles before they reach the surface and distribute their noxious fumes.

Finally a point-and-click adventure that doesn’t involve a supercomputer to calculate the solution by clicking every permutation of every pixel on the screen in every conceivable order just to pass the first level. Plus, it’s getting close to Halloween and this game is frightfully delicious (and magically nutritious).

You are infamous Indestructotank pilot Dirk Danger. Included among your many missions for the day is no less than rescuing the President of the United States from kidnappers. But more important things first, let’s stop by City Hall and get that name changed!

That’s right folks. It’s time for another Dig Your Own Grave exclusive game. I know! It’s totally crazy. We’re pooping these things out like we just ate them for breakfast. This game features some old-skool 3D vector graphics, and a pace so fast that we can actually 100% guarantee you’ll have a stroke. Enjoy!

Lately we’ve been doing a lot of bubble-popping, candy-coddling, and sushi-rolling, so today we’re going to have you kill unsuspecting innocent people by shooting them in the head. It’s all part of a balanced lifestyle.

I, for one, welcome the imminent zombie invasion. First off - immortality? Sign me up. And then throw in a diet of nothing but human brains? Nutritious and delicious.

You may have wanted to kill yourself while playing Paint Wars, but it was necessary in order to get your wrist in tip-top shape for today’s game. You see? I wasn’t doing it to punish you, I’m just trying to make you into a better gamer. And give you carpal tunnel syndrome. Play on medium or hard for highscores.