I implore you, EAT THE COOKIES FASTER.

Touch all the black and white shapes before they reach the bottom of the screen. But don’t touch any of the colored ones, or this cute little puppy gets it.*

* it = big kiss on the forehead

The story is that people enjoy playing Guitar Hero because it makes them feel like they can actually play the guitar. So does that mean that people enjoy playing this game because it makes them feel like their parents actually love them enough to buy them Guitar Hero?

I can neither confirm nor deny that this is the world’s hardest game, simply because I cannot get past the first level.

Finally, a game that scientists and creationists can both enjoy equally. The logical among you will appreciate the realistic simulation of the Laws of Physics, while the faithful can marvel at the mystical crayon powered by the magic of Jesus.

Just look at the rage in his little eyes.

Things start getting interesting once you’re a few levels in. That is assuming, of course, that you find a dull pain behind your eyes and a growing fury inside your heart to be “interesting”.

Since many of you are suffering through the worst snowfall you’ve seen in years, I thought it might be appropriate to put up a snow-themed game. To, you know, torture you even further.

AAHHHH!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! AAAHHHH? Ah? Ah! Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh…

I think I remember this game – only when I played it I was on my stomach behind the television trying to figure out what was wrong with the surround sound. And it suuuuucked.

So long as there is breath in my lungs and movement in my fingers, I will never be able to resist the siren song of the colored block game.

If you’re a fan of the Rejected Cartoons, you may also enjoy watching Purple and Brown. If you’re a fan of devilishly handsome men, you may also enjoy watching my face. Get it? My face. Zing!

A new Internet phenomenon is emerging – live action reenactments of classic Garfield cartoons followed by mind altering music videos staring the characters. I have no idea who is responsible for these videos, or why, but I suspect foul play and I have no doubt the Japanese are somehow involved.

Have you ever fantasized about being the pilot of your very own giant Mech? Well now that perverse fantasy is only a click away! Although if the Mech in your fantasies had the ability to move, you might be a little disappointed.

It seems every year brings a more advanced Elmo toy. The question is, will this be the year that the Elmos rise up and kill?

Admittedly, this game isn’t my #1 paddle related pastime, however it is a close second.

Today I am pleased to announce the launch of our very first Dig Your Own Grave exclusive game. And let me tell you, I couldn’t be more excited. The game features some of my most favorite things in the world, including guns, giant explosions, advanced force-field technology, and of course, shooting endangered manatees.

Don’t worry if you keep getting these wrong. It doesn’t mean you’re color blind, it could just be that your monitor’s color balance is screwed up. That, or you’ve got a brain tumor. It’s probably a brain tumor.

Songwriters aren’t even trying anymore are they?

Okay smarty pants, here is a grade 3 US geography game for you. I dare anyone to beat my high score of 22/48. That may not seem very good but keep in mind I’m a little drunk, and by ‘a little’ I mean ‘fantastically’. Also, my co-workers keep coming into my cubicle and distracting me so it’s hard to concentrate.

Next time you have a hard day at the office, try firing up this game when you get home and smashing some cities. Waaaaaaaaaaaaay more effective than yoga my friends.

Fly your dragon through the crazy tunnel maze and don’t hit any walls. Where do you think he’s going in such a rush? Dragon Happy Hour? A custody hearing? Maybe he just has to go to the bathroom.

Do you love Guitar Hero? Do your parents not love you enough to buy it for you? Well stop crying cry-baby! Now thanks to the internet you can play this two-dimensional Guitar Hero clone that features a collection of songs by people who aren’t famous!

The rules of the game are simple enough. Destroy everything in your path in the virtual world, all while destroying your ENTER key in the real world. Make sweet love to the wind, and poop out some tornado babies.

Ever since discovering the 3D greatness that is Vector Runner, I realize you must regard any game with the term 3D in it’s title with great skepticism. However I can assure you that this game does involve a well rendered three dimensional cube, and the last version was pretty cool so you should at least give it a chance.