Today in the US, it is Presidents Day. A day we celebrate in honor of George Washington, the first President of the United States of America. To pay him our respect, we sleep a lot, don’t do any work, and refuse to bathe or wear pants.

This seems like a good example of why companies should reconsider outsourcing their call centers to magical foreign lands.

I was originally going to call this post Fancy What’s In My Pants?, but I decided that would have been highly inappropriate for a post title. Yet somehow highly appropriate for the post content. I know you guys never even read what I write here anyways.

Most of you are probably familiar with the 5 stages a giraffe goes through when he gets stuck in quicksand, but if you aren’t then here they are. Tomorrow’s lesson: the five stages of nerdly-arousal I go through when I watch Battlestar Galactica.

I was going through some old files on my computer today, and I found this morbidly hilarious commercial for the British Ford Sportka. And for those of you who feel compelled to complain that it’s “like, so 2004″, don’t.

Do you like the brain puzzles? Are you obsessive compulsive? Do you need to do anything today other than sit in front of the computer until your butt goes numb? If you answered yes to all of these questions, do NOT click the link.

I’ve never been much into reading the Bible. When given a choice between a) Tivo and burning in the eternal lake of fire, or b) reading a really long book with lots of names, Tivo wins every time. But now thanks to The Brick Testament I can enjoy the most violent lessons of the Bible in easy to follow LEGO format. And as an added bonus I am no longer condemned to eternity in Hell! (right?)

Hell of Sand is yet another game with no point other than to waste time. It is also an oddly titled game. I would have called it Joy of Relaxing Sand. Make sure you experiment with all of the options at the bottom.

Miniscule people go about their business unnoticed in London. Theirs is also a dangerous life.

Do you hate one-eyed one-horned monsters? Me too! Let’s smash their heads with a hammer. This game may seem easy at first, but it starts messing with you after a while… trust me. And if the game doesn’t seem easy at first, it’s because you’re playing it with the number keys at the top of the keyboard and not the ones on the number-pad silly!

An animation about the joys of multiple homicide and apartment living.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for extra headroom on flights. There can never be enough room for my… uh… head. But maybe the 1Time marketing team should have considered addressing the legroom issue first. Am I alone on this?

This one goes out to all the martial arts junkies. For human weaponry at its finest just click the link and take a trip aboard the pain train. Wooo-wooo!!!

I have never played World of Warcraft, nor have I ever seen it outside of a video, but I still enjoyed this. The battle cry of the eager young paladin shall never leave me.

The Meat Cake, aka ‘The Delicious Cake’, aka ‘The Greatest Cake Ever’, aka ‘The Cake I Really Want to Eat’, has three layers of meatloaf, ketchup sauce filling, and mashed potato icing. Yum.

Finally a movie for the busy computer programmer that loves fluffy bunnies!

This Maury Povich guest is really afriad of penises… I mean pickles.

It’s no secret that I like to rag on the Japanese. It’s not because I’m racist, I just think they’re all totally crazy. But I wonder what the Japanese think of us? What better way to find out than by investigating the phrases they think are the most important to learn before coming to the United States of Fantastica. And our good friend Ortchel has found just the video! Uh… exercise video.

Remember when you were less than five feet tall and retarded? That was the third grade, and now you can relive that time by listening to narrated entries from Amy Forstadt’s third grade diary… out of the toilet!

A Continental Airlines customer seated directly across from the lavatory, and with an only marginally effective stink-shield, spent much of the flight writing an illustrated complaint to the airline.

There is no point to what is at the other end of this link, but I bet you $100 that you’ll spend at least 30 seconds playing with it. I’m serious. If you can honestly say you don’t play with this wiggily little guy for at least 30 seconds, send me your address and I’ll send you $100. Also send me your girlfriends address. And a pack of smokes.

This is a very unique and addictive puzzle game. It’s all about balance. Unfortunately it doesn’t have any metric for scoring or levels, so I’ll just say I got as far as the big gray head and that as usual I am the best and you all live in my shadow (which is also awesomer than you and gets more chicks).

It’s commercial-day fun time. My favorite day of the week!

Call me crazy, but I think this kid is drunk!

I’ve posted a link to this guy’s work before, but here is a gallery with lots more pictures and some extra information.

Julian Beever creates ‘anamorphic illusions’, drawn in a special distortion to create the impression of 3 dimensions when seen from one particular viewpoint.

Draw a sketch, submit it, and have some random person’s sketch sent back to you. It’s pretty fun! And because the submitted sketches are moderated you don’t get sketches of penises, boobs, or ‘FaCKs YOUz LoOS3R’s like you would expect from your fellow ‘humans’ on the internet.

In an attempt to make amends with all the arachnophobes who freaked out over last weeks World’s Largest Spider post, I’m giving you a link to the invaluable Spider Catcher. Although being an arachnophobe myself, I would prefer it if the handle was about 10 feet longer, and instead of ’soft bristles’ at the end there was a shotgun that fired medical textbooks soaked in Raid�.

It’s often hard to convince people that Olivo Barbieri’s aerial photographs are real. They look uncannily like hyperdetailed models, absent the imperfections of reality. He achieves this distinctive look by photographing from a helicopter using a special tilt-shift lens.

I’m not usually into these homemade webcam music videos, but howdy-do this one is tasteful, artistic, technically impressive and catchy as all heck. I’m smitten!

Hysterical. Viral. Dropping the Hamiltons at the movies. West Side.

Queen Latifah’s Excedrin commercial from SNL. I can relate to it because I am also part of a racial minority. And that racial minority would be the race of sexy superhuman superheros.

This guy takes childrens drawings of monsters and superheros and recreates them with his mad artistic skillz. Super cool!

When I get my own place the guest bathroom toilet is going to look like this. And then I’ll put a sign in there saying “Missing: Pet Anaconda, last seen near guest bathroom. Loves water”. It is all part of my plan to create the most intimidating pooping experience ever.

Still looking for holiday gifts?? As if we haven’t provided you with enough FANTASTIC SUGGESTIONS so far! Well here’s another then. Keep it lighthearted and give a cuddly version of porphorymonas gingivalis (bad breath) or Rhinovirus (the common cold). For the hardcore, how about snuggly versions of Gonorrhea, HIV, or Ebola to cozy up to on a cold winter’s night?

I don’t care what any of you say, that rabbit is nothing but a dirty little cookie thief!

Although this site is pretty funny, I also find it fascinating. Where do you buy cats like these? If I took our old family cat and tried to ‘put stuff on her’ she would promptly ‘put her claws in my eyes’.

This dog entertains himself by fighting with his own leg over a bone. So the question is, is the dog A) very smart, or B) very stupid. My vote goes for C) very smart but still eats his own poop.

Swarm is a new way to ‘browse’ the web. It is a graphical map of hundreds of websites, all connecting to each other. It updates itself every second with where people are going and coming from. Not surprisingly, ‘coming from’ is usually Google, and ‘going to’ is porn, but some interesting things turn up from time to time.

Three years ago Matt from Connecticut quit his day job and decided to travel the world. The result is a video of him doing a cute little dance in every corner of the globe. For maximum depression, this video is best watched from your cubicle at work.

Normally I would never consider having bolts installed in my nose, or anywhere else on my body for that matter, but this made me consider it until I remembered just how lazy I am. Hooray status quo!

I don’t know what this is, but it’s mesmerizing and will steal 20 minutes of your life from you if you’re not careful.

I remember when I was a wee-kiddo I used to spin my Led Zeppelin records backwards and try to hear the hidden satanic messages. Now, thanks to the Internet and technology I can’t even begin to understand, all we have to do is press buttons! Oh! And Britney Spears has backwards messages too!

When I first watched this video I felt pretty bad for the fish, but on second thought I’m sure the fish are fine. That poor boy, however, is not. He wanted to show the world how strong he is, but instead he showed us that when he panics he honks like a goose.

I wouldn’t rhyme about Rolleys if I had no watch, wouldnt write about crack if I ain’t had no spot.
You talk six coupe shit you only pushing a trey, got bitches shutting you down in the C.L.K.
Word. Microsoft Word.

This website goes into exquisite detail on how to make weapons out of everyday office supplies. For you my-time-is-money skip-to-the-last-page personality types, just have a look at the Super Maul and tell me you couldn’t kill a medium to large animal with it.

A big ad. There’s not much more I can say. Just watch it. (By the way, this is also a very LOUD ad, you may want to lower your volume before it starts).

This is pretty nuts. I can’t stop watching it. It’s like something from a cartoon!

PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail-in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard.

An interactive website user interface that doesn’t require using mouse clicks. Works better than you might think…

Not with the difference R-with the consideration to this episode of the warning the radio, of which in small bar the James has the relative book, that he is still translates to the interior for or Japanese and then for the interior with English, the characteristics this application you, English text in felt two between diverse decree of five languages translate. Which is the result of the extremity?

Take off your shirt and whip out your glow-sticks, cause it’s car racing time – clubbin’ style. WARNING: It has been statistically proven by a famous scientist (me) that if you do not finish this game in the one minute alloted to you, crazy euro ravers will burst into your room and break all your furniture and maybe kill your cat.

This ******* commercial has inspired me to start up our very own DYOG ******-******* swear jar. Everytime one of you ****-**** fruitcakes swears, you send me a nickel. When it gets to be enough, I’ll use it to pay for prostitutes. ******* genius my friends.

The next time you walk into a Jamba Juice, I want you to stride right up to that counter, stare the puny juice maker in the eye, slam your hand down on the table and demand a Fruity Pebbles smoothie! Then as an encore, go to In-N-Out Burger and get some fries, animal style!

The future of human-computer interaction is here with the speech recognition built in to Windows Vista! Indeed, it is so seamless that you may even start pretending that you are Captain Jean-Luc Pricard talking to the computer of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

Dig Your Own Grave and unicorns have had a rather storied past, and this certainly isn’t going to help matters. So without further ado, let’s give it up for Feathers, ooo ooo Cadillac, and Tom Cruise!

Some of you were unhappy that yesterday’s water balloon didn’t explode, so here’s another slow motion video. Interestingly enough, this footage is nearly identical to the high-speed film of me punching a bowling ball. I’m serious, it liquefied.

This makes me wish I had bought an iPhone. I could really use some sideburns.

You still wake up sometimes, don’t you? Wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the beans?

PS: Who is your favorite bean?

Nintendo deemed these games inappropriate for their target Wii Play audience, so we were stuck with Fishing, and Table Tennis. It’s a real shame, because WiiPii looks like fun.

You need a dinette set? A new bedroom? Why go to a furniture superstore when you can go to the Montgomery flea market? It’s just like, it’s just like, a mini mall. A mini mall.

I am so there.

For years I’ve been praying that someone would make a game involving a ball you move around the screen with your keyboard. WELL TODAY ALL OF OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED.

Barry! What are you doing? What is wrong with you? Do not open anything else! What is that? Barry, no!

If David Bowie writes a song about you, you gotta take what you get. His musical genius speaks only one language, and that is the language of truth.

Jack Black is Computerman, and he’s just trying to compute the outside world with his best friend Eugene, whom is not a computerman.

Although not well known, Jesusasaurus Rex was by far the most feared of the dinosaurs, possessing the ability to rise from the grave and bore other dinosaurs to death with speeches about kindness.

Breakfast bars have always been pretty tasteless and boring, but not Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain bars. They’re like a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart!

We all know what happens when you heat up popcorn kernels, right? As the kernel is heated, it turns the internal moisture into a superheated, pressurized steam. The hull ruptures rapidly, causing a rapid expansion of the steam, which expands the starch and proteins inside into an airy foam. And then a baby comes out.

She’s got a blanket, clothes, and four pacifiers!

Science has proven that even a Proboscis Monkey can spot the differences between these sets of pictures. You’re smarter than a crazy penis-nosed monkey, aren’t you?

He ran, for the president of Iran
We ran to a tropical island

The Scales of Justice need balancing. Unfortunately this game has nothing to do with that. But hey, funky music! Boop boop boop boop boop beep boo-dee-dooo…

This game is pretty gross, but hey, what’s Halloween without a little blood and body parts? Why, it would be like having Christmas without snow! (and blood and body parts.)

This rap ballad comes from Hungary, and it brings with it a message of peace and love. It also features the whitest backup singer on the planet. He’s like an anthropomorphic stack of copy paper.

This is the touching story of a morose young man who eventually comes to appreciate just how much the rain enriches his life.

Hurray, hoorah, it’s another DDR keyboard game. But this one throws in color-matching to infuriate the color blind, and an excruciating soundtrack to lobotomize anyone unfortunate enough to own computer speakers. And why you ask? Because life’s just not hard enough.

It can be hard to win the heart of that beautiful young Mexican woman during your day trip to Tijuana, when you’ve only had one semester of Spanish class.

Lately we’ve been doing a lot of bubble-popping, candy-coddling, and sushi-rolling, so today we’re going to have you kill unsuspecting innocent people by shooting them in the head. It’s all part of a balanced lifestyle.