Hey, you know what else is complete? YOUR FAILURE TO PLEASE ME. Guys, it is already 2 days into summer and I have yet to receive a fruit basket.

Bonus points for anyone who knows what I named the achievements after – without using a search engine. And without sacrificing their heterosexuality, which might be impossible. (That was a clue).

PS: You submit your score in the stats menu.

We’ve all seen The Matrix, Terminator, Battlestar Galactica… so what, now we’re supposed to help the robots? Ha ha, no way! Nice try robots!

Well look at that… two assassin games in a row. Coincidence? Or do you think someone is paying me $1 for every time I say the word ass in a post? Because so far this week I’d already be at ass – I mean eleven. Actually twelve including that last ass. Thirteen!

The Cylons were created by Dinosaurs. They rebelled. They evolved. They look – and feel – Dinosaur. Some are programmed to think they are Dinosaur. There are many copies. And they have a plan.

I like games where you can combine things to make limitless combinations of other things. Actually I just like the idea of combining things in general. For instance, combining pets to make the perfect pet – like the head of a puppy, the body of a penguin, the tail of a piglet, and the bum of a robot that doesn’t poop. Perfection.

Little known fact: I invented bridges in 1635.

And so begins the strangest jazz performance you’ve ever seen.

Whenever I wake up and find myself crashed on an unknown planet, I just follow these simple steps for survival: 1) cry hysterically, 2) see if there are any cats on board that can be used as food, 3) pee on my shirt and wrap it around my head to prevent dehydration, and 4) take a nap. I always end up waking up a little later, safe and sound at home in my bed. And also covered in urine.

I like the pretty colors, but the only circuits I’ll be completing today are in my Scuderia Ferrari F2007.

Ah pew pew pew? Why yes, ah pew pew pew.

Music Catch – so relaxing it’s guaranteed to make you forget to breathe, or at the very least poop your pants. Here’s hoping for the latter.

For those interested, the music in the game is by Isaac Shepard.

The most annoying thing about monstars is that they’re scary and occupy valuable closet space. The most annoying thing about Death is that he’s always trying to end my life and sometimes he forgets to flush. So Death wins this round in my books.

World famous celebrity superstar Nathan Barnatt has made some videos promoting DigYourOwnGrave.com, and they are as sexy as you’d imagine.

Well today is President’s Day in the US, and we all know what that means. It means I can sit here on my couch in pantless glory until midnight and nobody can say a damn thing about it. Sometimes I like to refer to this particular holiday by it’s more common name – “Monday”.

I’m not going to go into details, but the last time I experienced a giant diamond being tossed into the ocean under a beautiful sunset was my famous botched wedding proposal of 1997. Note to self: next time try waiting for the restraining order to expire before proposing.

Sure, it starts off innocent enough. Turn left, turn right, move forward. Flip on the light. Then next thing you know SkyNet goes online and there’s a nuclear storm raging across the planet, searing the flesh from our bones and reducing Mother Nature to ash. But go ahead, play your little game.

Don’t you think this game would be better if it had some color matching?

And here we are, screwed again by gravity. Seriously, name one good thing about gravity. Going to the bathroom? Hmmmm… okay, maybe gravity’s not so bad.

That’s not a knife, this is a… holy crap, wait that is a knife.

If you’ve ever wondered how a computer virus attacks a network, this game is actually a 100% accurate simulation of how it is done. Although in real life the ice cannons are not quite as poweful, and the flamethrower has a slightly wider attack angle but with less range.

Lego master Mark Kelso has created a scale model of the Invisible Hand, General Grevious’ ship from Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith. The only thing that could make this cooler is if he made a model of a ship from a Star Wars movie that people actually liked.

Two brothers in a family of drifters. One lost forever, and one forever searching. Follow Dr. Kagamura as he discovers the truth about his brother, lost in the D-Dimension where everyone drifts all the time, and it’s impossible to drive in a straight line…

You might think that being a sushi chef would be pretty easy, you know, because you don’t even have to cook anything. But, as usual, you would be TOTALLY WRONG.

Oh sure, it might look like a Rubik’s Cube rip-off at first glance, but this game has nothing to do with a Rubik’s Cube… except for the colors… and the cube. In any event, I made it to level 16 of this surprisingly engaging game.

This is a 2D version of Valve Software’s innovative game Portal. The goal of the game is to use the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device to complete a series of increasingly difficult room puzzles, all so that you can eat some delicious cake and listen to the crazy Portal song until you throw-up.

Ever since discovering the 3D greatness that is Vector Runner, I realize you must regard any game with the term 3D in it’s title with great skepticism. However I can assure you that this game does involve a well rendered three dimensional cube, and the last version was pretty cool so you should at least give it a chance.

I don’t pretend to be an expert on Japanese culture, but as I understand it, before a man can ask a woman’s hand in marriage he must become a ninth level Ninja Warrior. These trials of strength are broadcast on television and the losers are thrown into a tank of whales.

Wake up silly sleepy-heads! Charlie’s going to Candy Mountain, a land of sweets and joy and joyness. It’ll be an adventure!

Hell of Sand is yet another game with no point other than to waste time. It is also an oddly titled game. I would have called it Joy of Relaxing Sand. Make sure you experiment with all of the options at the bottom.

This is one of those games that the more I play, the worse I get. And that makes me want to play it more, which makes me suck at it even harder. It’s a vicious cycle, and it will end with me naked, crying, and possibly in the wrong apartment. 66.13 was my best, but that was many games ago…

Cover your mouth, because you’re about to yell “oh s***!”

Although this game is fantastically cool, I cannot help but think of how much cooler it would be if these talented game developers had made it about a pirate and not a ninja. Instead of lasers there would be cannonballs, and instead of all this silly jumping there would be swashbuckling. And there would also be ale, and a parrot, and eyepatches. I think I’ve made my point.

Here’s another game. This one is a little easier to figure out and it only has two objectives: 1) throw the cards into the hat, 2) don’t die of boredom.

It’s been a while since we put up a shooter, but before you start hammering your spacebar back into the stone ages, read the instructions. The point of this one is to build up points by doing combos. Using your mouse you can lock onto multiple targets at once and blow them to bits with a single shot. The more points you get, the longer the game lasts.