I was going to post a quote from Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, but I remembered last time I did that everyone thought I was getting married in two days.

PS: There’s a bug with highscore submission: If you’re playing more than once, refresh the page each time you play if you want your scores to submit.

I know you guys think I spend all my time oil wrestling supermodels and saving forest animals from the California wildfires, but honestly that’s only about 95% of my day. The other 5% I spend making terrific games like this one. It’s sort of a retro post-apocalyptic shooter with – UH OH GISELE HAS ME IN AN ARMBAR BRB

Traversed by a grey skinned fellow,
With tusks a whiteish-yellow,
and kisses like shots of Grape Jello.

There’s an important lesson to be learned here – as a Roman emperor, if you base your reign upon cruelty, extravagance, and sexual perversity, you get awesome online games made in your honor. If you base your reign upon political and military conquest, you get a salad named after you.

Note to self: That is one crazy, crazy bitch.

One day they won’t be called vending machines anymore. They will be called REPLICATORS, and cruiseships will be called starships and everyone will wear tights. Everyday will be a new and exciting adventure, except for days in the holodeck. Those will be kind of boring.

Oh believe me, I will.

And by “lawn” I mean the 3 foot radius around my computer. And by “get off” I mean just take a step back so you’re not in my personal space, but please stay and talk to me because I’m lonely. So very very lonely.

What is your favorite part of point and click adventures?
a) Pointing
b) Clicking
c) Adventuring

A little over one year ago, we broke the story on a bizarre feat of German engineering – Cheeseburger in a Can. After much debate over the actual appearance and palitability as described in the catalog, our loyal European reader Nika offered to hunt down the elusive hiker’s meal and answer all of our burning questions. These are her discoveries.

Even 8-bit spiders terrify me.

Finally, a little game for the Emo in all of us.

Everyone knows that inhaling helium will cause your voice to become very high. Inhaling sulfur hexafluoride on the other hand, will turn you into a demon. No, I’m serious. You literally turn into a demon.

If my deep understanding of women has taught me one thing, it’s that women love guys with big trucks. And beer bellies. So play hard at this game, and start drinking cheap beer as soon as local law will allow.

As far as I can tell, Seth MacFarlane’s Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy is just like an episode of Family Guy, only with everything stripped out except the “it’s like the time when…” parts. So yeah, it’s awesome.

Coign of Vantage (pronounced “Heeeeyoooo”), is a very innovative little game that tests your spatial perception. Spatial perception comes in handy for things like not killing cyclists while driving, and keeping your pee in the toilet while peeing. It’s practically one of my favorite perceptions.

Ever since the beginning of THE WAR ON TERROR, one has to be very careful about using the B-word in public. You know what I’m talking about, right? The B-thing that does the e-thing? Yeah? The… you know… a… *cough* bomb *cough* So anyways, this game OH GOD THEY’VE FOUND ME PLEASE I’M A WEBMASTER NOT A TERRORI-

This game demands to be played while puffing on a toy bubble pipe and wearing a musty tweed smoking jacket.

PS: Sorry if you’ve been getting hammered with popups today. I am trying to track down the offending advertiser.

Don’t you think this game would be better if it had some color matching?

I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is:

a) coated 200 mg Advil tablets.
b) more cowbell.
c) raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

And here we are, screwed again by gravity. Seriously, name one good thing about gravity. Going to the bathroom? Hmmmm… okay, maybe gravity’s not so bad.

Does it make me a bad person if I laugh out loud every time I watch this? No? Okay, good. So what about if it turns me on? Not that it does or anything, but that’s no big deal right?

If I had known gold digging was this easy I might have considered another career path. Being a male model can be so tiresome…

Yeah, I know it’s old, buy hey – so is your mom!

Good news OCDers, today we’ve launched a new feature that lets you earn shiny achievements for your profile by playing Dig Your Own Grave games. So get to it! Anyone who doesn’t have them all by the end of the week is, as the French would say, une odeur de cochon avec de petites testicules.

Today I am pleased to announce the launch of our very first Dig Your Own Grave exclusive game. And let me tell you, I couldn’t be more excited. The game features some of my most favorite things in the world, including guns, giant explosions, advanced force-field technology, and of course, shooting endangered manatees.

That’s right folks. It’s time for another Dig Your Own Grave exclusive game. I know! It’s totally crazy. We’re pooping these things out like we just ate them for breakfast. This game features some old-skool 3D vector graphics, and a pace so fast that we can actually 100% guarantee you’ll have a stroke. Enjoy!
What happened to the old highscores?

Help the poor little boneless man avoid the metal spikes raining down from the sky! I was able to dodge 135. Coincidentally that is the same number of pushups I do every morning. Right before I head off to male supermodel school. Just some little facts I thought you might be interested in… *cough* ladies.

No matter how cute you try and draw a cartoon hedgehog, it will never, ever, ever ever ever, look as cute as a real life hedgehog. I think it’s one of the laws of physics.

Even after you realize what’s going on, it still manages to be entertaining.

This one is just like that movie Drop Zone, except instead of Gary Busey the lead villain is a 15-foot tall electric fan.

This sort of reminds me of when I was a kid and my dad would pick me up by the arms and swing me around in a circle. Fun stuff. Except usually my dad wouldn’t hurl me into a wall at the end. Also, I’m not a cat.

Contrary to common thinking, tiny huggable-snuggable ninjas are actually far more dangerous than their average human-sized counterparts. You have been warned.

This is one of those tower-defense-type games, only with this one you get in on the action a little bit. It’s been around for a while, but unlike me not everyone is a walking Flash game encyclopedia, so I thought I’d share. And also unlike me not everyone has the figure and features of a Greek god, but unfortunately there’s nothing I can do about that.

This is what Jabba the Hutt was going to do with R2-D2 eventually.

Take to the gritty streets of Liberty City in the most realistic Nintendo game ever.

Some people need a trained eagle and a magic sword to bring justice to evil doers. Personally I think all you need is a coat rack and one of those oily one-legged city pigeons.

This game has haunted me since I was a child. That sound it makes when you lose is the sound of all my life’s failures rolled into one gut-wrenching mechanical groan of disapointment. BWRAAAAAWRR(you’re dumb)RRRRR(you’re a failure)RRRRR(stupid)RRR……

He’s got the heart of a champion!

Who’s a kitty-cat? Who likes to dance dance dance?

One calm dog, one thermo-nuclear crazy dog, a guest appearance by a scared cat, a fence, some food, and crazy asian voiceovers. What does all that give you? It gives you great times. Really great times.

I’m not usually into these homemade webcam music videos, but howdy-do this one is tasteful, artistic, technically impressive and catchy as all heck. I’m smitten!

This dog entertains himself by fighting with his own leg over a bone. So the question is, is the dog A) very smart, or B) very stupid. My vote goes for C) very smart but still eats his own poop.

If I had any friends you can be sure that I would invite them over for a light switch rave! Afterwards I would probably be back to having no friends. Ah the circle of life.

You might think that because this game is called ‘Red’ that it has something to do with Communism. And you would be absolutely right. I base that statement on nothing other than extreme paranoia and what some have called a ‘wild, dangerous’ imagination. Use your breast-shaped turret to blast those commie rocks back into the potato fields of Mother Russia. Freedom and Democracy are counting on you!

It is a time of great magic and chivalry. You are an über D&D nerd, sitting behind a… oh wait, I mean you are a brave knight, defending your kingdom from the onslaught of the enemy hordes. Your skills with myspace pages are… oh damn, I mean your skills with the bow-and-arrow are legendary. Go forth and defend your kingdom, brave knight!

Straight outta MTV Japan comes a cartoon about two rabbits locked up in a Russian prison. Don’t look at me. I don’t know any more than you do.

Swim away fugu fish, swim away, or you might get pulled in to the vortex of Steve’s negativity and not enjoy this new Charlie the Unicorn adventure.

I don’t know what sort of shady stuff you guys have been clicking on over there, but these little guys are not very happy with you.

I’ll admit this is a pretty cool use of a whiteboard, but I generally like to keep the one in my cubicle free for important messages like SOMEBODY SAVE ME and PLEASE FIRE ME.

I can neither confirm nor deny that this is the world’s hardest game, simply because I cannot get past the first level.

This is one of those games that the more I play, the worse I get. And that makes me want to play it more, which makes me suck at it even harder. It’s a vicious cycle, and it will end with me naked, crying, and possibly in the wrong apartment. 66.13 was my best, but that was many games ago…

Nintendo deemed these games inappropriate for their target Wii Play audience, so we were stuck with Fishing, and Table Tennis. It’s a real shame, because WiiPii looks like fun.

Being a world renowned brain surgeon, I will be the first to admit that my specialty isn’t viral medicine. However, I am educated in the subject enough to tell you that this is exactly how doctors battle viral outbreaks in real life. It’s science!

Some of you were unhappy that yesterday’s water balloon didn’t explode, so here’s another slow motion video. Interestingly enough, this footage is nearly identical to the high-speed film of me punching a bowling ball. I’m serious, it liquefied.

If, like me, you were having trouble deciding whether your next videogame purchase should be Kingdom Hearts II or Resident Evil 4, this little video narrated by mc chris should clear up the decision for you.

Phun is a free, downloadable 2D physics sandbox. You can do pretty much anything in it. I was actually able to model Einstein’s Theory of Relativity and send a crudely drawn square back in time to kill it’s own parents, thereby erasing itself from existence. Either that or I pressed the undo button, I’m not sure. Video of Phun-in-action after the jump.

Quick! Escape the kitchen before it’s too late! Lord knows you wouldn’t want to accidentally make yourself a delicious sandwich.

Snowball the dancing cockatoo is back, and he’s clearly been practicing. If I owned this bird, he and I would dance all night… and I would be naked.

I don’t know what this is, but it’s mesmerizing and will steal 20 minutes of your life from you if you’re not careful.

In the future, all battles will be fought with small dogs, ponies and arachnid-like robots, just like in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

I’ll be honest, this game isn’t really what I had imagined when I fantasize about being a zombie. First off, armor? Second, friends? And I had imagined a lot more brain eating. Also – less talking, more groaning.

This dog and I have a lot in common. We both hate balloons because of their terrible, terrible smell. We also both have fleas.

It’s dinner time, and the cat just wants to eat while Mr. Puppers just wants to play. Can feline wiles defeat puppy power?

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what the local news in America has regressed to.

What is that nutty dog trying to do? He’s going to hurt someone! Either that or burn down the farm! Sheeeeeeesh!

My favorite part of the game is the way he lies there shivering at the bottom of the stairs. Poor little fella… Somebody give that stickman a cuddle!

I’ve been staring at the screen for 10 minutes now, and I can’t think of a single innuendo about balls. What’s happening to me? Maybe I need a vacation.

I don’t know what my problem is, but I have way more fun blowing up the trees in this game than I do the enemy tanks. Maybe it’s because my parents were killed by a rogue tree.

I’ve always said the best way to handle interpersonal issues is with some gasoline and a match.

This is a 2D version of Valve Software’s innovative game Portal. The goal of the game is to use the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device to complete a series of increasingly difficult room puzzles, all so that you can eat some delicious cake and listen to the crazy Portal song until you throw-up.

Finally a point-and-click adventure that doesn’t involve a supercomputer to calculate the solution by clicking every permutation of every pixel on the screen in every conceivable order just to pass the first level. Plus, it’s getting close to Halloween and this game is frightfully delicious (and magically nutritious).

The directions for this game are a bit complicated, so read carefully: CLUB SMASH, CLUB SMASH HEAD. SMASH GOOD. Spacebar will pause the game, and SMASH GOOD, OG LOVE SMASH.

Lately we’ve been doing a lot of bubble-popping, candy-coddling, and sushi-rolling, so today we’re going to have you kill unsuspecting innocent people by shooting them in the head. It’s all part of a balanced lifestyle.

Tim, like King Midas from Greek mythology, has an amazing power that is both a gift and a curse. I bet he’s tired of eating Skittles.

Well here’s your last game for 2007. And there have been so many games! So which one was your favorite? Vector Runner? How about besides Vector Runner? Oh, the Huge Manatee? Oh gosh, you guys flatter me.

Admittedly, this game isn’t my #1 paddle related pastime, however it is a close second.

In Crayon Physics Deluxe, the things you draw come true. It’s a lot like this academic program, except it’s actually a game and you should hopefully be able to buy it without requiring several rounds of academic funding.

It’s said that cats always land on their feet, but I’d say this cat landed on its head.

Fear not, citizens of Earth! When goofy galactic robots invade, you will be there to fight off the invasion. The government has surgically removed your skeleton to provide you with greater agility, and attached powerful automatic weapons to your hands for combat (they are also auditing you for the 2006 tax year to increase your aggression).

This Garfield-esque cat hates exercise about as much as I do. I keep at it however, to keep the ladies happy.

You still wake up sometimes, don’t you? Wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the beans?

PS: Who is your favorite bean?

This one’s a bit like Unreal Tournament, only without that overrated third dimension. And without limbs either. Those are overrated too.

In this game you have to try and save Sir Whitey McBlockster from a deadly pool of rising lava. It takes a combination of luck, strategy, and patience to do well, but with practice you can actually get some pretty high scores.

You’re not going to let me keep that gold, are you?