Some people say that violent video games are a bad influence on our children, but I say we should just shoot those people to make them shut up. Try to break the logic in that statement my friends. It’s a little something I like to call absolute brilliance.

This is a 2D version of Valve Software’s innovative game Portal. The goal of the game is to use the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device to complete a series of increasingly difficult room puzzles, all so that you can eat some delicious cake and listen to the crazy Portal song until you throw-up.

Rankosaurus is a cool new tool for capturing, organizing, and sharing screenshots of highscores you get in online games. From now on, all highscore screenshot submissions on Dig Your Own Grave will have to be done using Rankosaurus. To celebrate, the leaderboards for Ragdoll Avalanche and Cubefield have been cleared. So check out Rankosaurus and go get some medals!

Now that you’ve had all this practice playing Double Wires, you can move on to the more challenging Pendulumeca. The principle is the same but you’ve only got one wire and it’s faster paced. And crappier. Kind of like your score compared to mine. Which was 220m.

Ancient Russian texts translate the word “Eskiv” to mean “The Circle - bringer of death, slayer of cats, and occasional dog rapist”. This game is a little lot like Dodge, but with a shot of taurine added, plus an ever so soothing aquamarine background.

Another simple little flash game. The point of this one is to throw your knives directly into the girls face. And it’s pretty damn hard unl… hmmmmm? What? Well that’s what I said: throw the knives into the targets without hitting the girl in the face. Duh.

No, you’re sick.

Move yer mouse left and right to help me keep me pint steady. TRY NOT TO SPILL ALL MY BLOODY BEER.

Now that’s pants!

YOU: Hey, this game is just like the last drunken beer balancing game you put up!
ME: Yes it is.
YOU: You’re an idiot! Your website sucks! You’re gay!

There, I saved you the trouble.

Finally a game that takes me back to my roots! Anyone who says they can beat my top average speed of 0.192 seconds will be accused of lying, sentenced to death, executed, reincarnated as a sheep, and promptly tranquilized by me in well under point 2 seconds. I am just that good.

This game is exciting! I got to stage 9 before I took one to the chest. Don’t expect to get as far as me though unless you have lived a hardened life on the street and dodged bullets in real life. I’ve taken a few to the chest in real life too and lived to tell about it. Calm down ladies, there’s plenty to go around, just send in an application.

‘Where’s Waldo?’ books were the perfect answer to a parent’s suggestion that you weren’t reading enough, and now he’s back with an online game to advertise his new book. (Tip: After you’ve found Waldo twice, and all the items, go into your Flash player settings and delete all the information stored by whereswaldo.com, then refresh the page and Waldo will likely be hiding in a different spot.)

Here’s a fluffy white snowball game to start off your week. The object of the game is to roll your balls so that they are at least as big as my balls. And mine, if I hadn’t mentioned it already, are absolutely gigantic. You have your mission.

This is a very simple endurance game involving a bunch of balls. And now that we have that out of the way we can begin the mandatory ‘I love playing with balls’ comments in three, two, one… go!

In this gritty, emotionally charged game, you follow the life of a simple ball willing to sacrifice everything in pursuit of it’s vision of happiness. Even as it descends deeper into it’s own despair, the ball refuses to let go, plummeting with it’s dreams into a nightmarish, gut-wrenching freefall.

In this game you have to try and save Sir Whitey McBlockster from a deadly pool of rising lava. It takes a combination of luck, strategy, and patience to do well, but with practice you can actually get some pretty high scores.

You’re not going to let me keep that gold, are you?

This game is not Pacman. It is something far better. It is Pacxon. Do not play Pacxon if you are sensitive to or have ever had an allergic reaction to it. Do not play Pacxon for at least 14 days after taking a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAO inhibitor) such as the antidepressants Nardil and Parnate. Pacxon and MAO inhibitors may interact to cause a sharp, potentially life-threatening rise in blood pressure.

Now before you try and tear out my heart through your modem, please note that I am not just reposting an old game, but have in fact supplemented an old game with our spanking new High Scores feature. Yes, now all you obsessive lovelies can log your high score screenshots on the Dig Your Own Grave Leaderboard for official ranking. Click the gold medal in the upper right and check it out!