I don’t know what a Usagi is, but I bet it would feel great if I put a few down my pants.

In the highly anticipated sequel to Storm the House 2, more advanced storming algorithms combined with the latest in cutting-edge house rendering technology provide the player with a completely new* gaming experience.

*similar

What is it about kittens that makes a person want to let them plummet to their deaths, or to fire them out of a cannon?

Luminara is the by-product of Ellipsis and the classic arcade game Asteroids getting together and making sweet, sweet, videogame love. And it’s not gross, it’s a perfectly natural way for two videogames to show that they love each other.

It was almost a year ago today. I had just downed my last bottle of ‘88 Grand Vin de Leoville. I stripped down to my underwear, openned a family size tub of Skippy, and spent the rest of the evening getting friendly with a sassy little flash game by the name of Stickman Madness. Ahhhhh… the memories.

Well here’s your last game for 2007. And there have been so many games! So which one was your favorite? Vector Runner? How about besides Vector Runner? Oh, the Huge Manatee? Oh gosh, you guys flatter me.

There’s an old saying, “When life gives you lemons, smash those *#$&%s into the ground with the largest club you can find. Fill the streets with their sour citrus blood until not a single one is left whole”. Or… something like that.

In this game you have to try and save Sir Whitey McBlockster from a deadly pool of rising lava. It takes a combination of luck, strategy, and patience to do well, but with practice you can actually get some pretty high scores.

You’re not going to let me keep that gold, are you?

Don’t worry if you keep getting these wrong. It doesn’t mean you’re color blind, it could just be that your monitor’s color balance is screwed up. That, or you’ve got a brain tumor. It’s probably a brain tumor.

Molten lava is no laughing matter. Unless you pour it down your friend’s pants – then it’s hilarious!

Way back in 1972, a company called Atari released what many people believe was the first ever video game. And today, 36 years of human and technological advancement has finally brought us the sequel.

Do you remember that game Armor Picross? Of course you do, it’s the reason your wife left you. Well in the off chance you’ve been able to start up a new relationship, here’s another Picross game to send that one down the toilet.

I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is:

a) coated 200 mg Advil tablets.
b) more cowbell.
c) raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

In the future as I see it, cars will still be cars, except instead of steering wheels and pedals, there will just be a giant set of WASD keys on the dashboard. Also, the engine will be powered by urine.

In the future as I see it, gladiatorial combat will still be gladiatorial combat, except instead of direct physical contact, the fighters will control giant robots using a GUI interface written in Visual Basic. Also, the robots will be powered by urine.

I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got the monkey?

This game is quite the bang for the buck. As well as being a relaxing way to spend a Tuesday afternoon, you can also collect the blood that sprays out of your ears when the music starts, and keep it in your fridge if you ever need a transfusion.

Those of you that like the reflex-type games are going to have a good time with this one. And if you also like really crappy euro-house music from the ninties that loops every 2 seconds then you can take this game straight to the bank! As usual I will set the bar impossibly high with my best score of 3897. Oui, oui… how you say… eat it?

I can neither confirm nor deny that this is the world’s hardest game, simply because I cannot get past the first level.

Can there be a better way to put an engineering education to use than to develop a game simulating the fluid dynamics of mucus? Well if there is, I don’t want to know about it.

Only a true master of counting can defeat this game. Someone whose obsession with counting is almost… perverse. Someone like this guy.

Little known fact: 1 in 4 zombies would rather cuddle than eat brains.

PS: JUMP GYPSY, JUMP!

For a little extra enjoyment, turn down the lights, throw on some Slayer, and treat this game as the latest advancement in mosh pit simulation.

♫ Dance with the dead in my dreams…

Today I am pleased to announce the launch of our very first Dig Your Own Grave exclusive game. And let me tell you, I couldn’t be more excited. The game features some of my most favorite things in the world, including guns, giant explosions, advanced force-field technology, and of course, shooting endangered manatees.

That’s right folks. It’s time for another Dig Your Own Grave exclusive game. I know! It’s totally crazy. We’re pooping these things out like we just ate them for breakfast. This game features some old-skool 3D vector graphics, and a pace so fast that we can actually 100% guarantee you’ll have a stroke. Enjoy!
What happened to the old highscores?

Tired of boring, predictable games? Has the same-old-same-old got you down? Well rejoice, for the next Dig Your Own Grave exclusive has arrived! I am so here for you fruitcakes. I am your pusher. I am your fat sweaty sugar daddy. I am the cushion for your pushin. I… might have crossed the line with that last one.

What? A tower defense game? I have no idea what you guys are talking about. No, you’re crazy.

There is a great war waging among the stars above us. A war that only non-epileptics can win.

Storm the House 3… errr.. *cough* excuse me, Stickman Madness 3 is finally out!

When I play this game I like to pretend that instead of just punching through walls of ice with my fists I am actually breaking down the walls of repression that bind society into the cold, closed-minded world we live in. Actually no, I just like to pretend I’m smashing through walls of ice with my fists. SMASHY SMASHY!

Remember, these are just stickmen. It’s not considered real violence if your victims are two-dimensional and faceless. And yes, that would also apply to Lindsay Lohan if you happen to run into her.

ZOMBIES COMIN’ UP THE HELL RIGHT NOW! SHOOT ‘EM IN THE HEAD! SHOOT ‘EM!! HIS AXE IS ON FIRE! HE KILLED YOUR PARENTS! SHOOT ‘EM IN THE HEAD!! JUMP GYPSY, JUMP!!

Although this game is fantastically cool, I cannot help but think of how much cooler it would be if these talented game developers had made it about a pirate and not a ninja. Instead of lasers there would be cannonballs, and instead of all this silly jumping there would be swashbuckling. And there would also be ale, and a parrot, and eyepatches. I think I’ve made my point.

Life is unfair. The sooner you kids learn this, the better off you’ll be. When you get older you can expect everyday life to be exactly like this game. Well, you don’t die as much – unless you count dying on the inside.

I’ll be honest, this game isn’t really what I had imagined when I fantasize about being a zombie. First off, armor? Second, friends? And I had imagined a lot more brain eating. Also – less talking, more groaning.

Remember that crazy Snowball game from a couple years ago? Well it’s back, and now it’s in glorious 3D. Use your giant icy balls to defeat the forces of evil in the Olympic Kingdom.

If you’re having trouble with the keys, you need to update your Flash Player.

The Monkey is back. He laughs at your suffering.

If you’ve ever wondered how a computer virus attacks a network, this game is actually a 100% accurate simulation of how it is done. Although in real life the ice cannons are not quite as poweful, and the flamethrower has a slightly wider attack angle but with less range.

Pop open the bubbly, it’s time to celebrate! Fans of Boxhead: More Rooms are sure to enjoy ‘2Play’, the next installment in the box zombie series. And if you’re lucky enough to have a friend sitting beside you, or perhaps a conjoined twin, then you can also enjoy the new co-op and deathmatch modes!

Admittedly, this game isn’t my #1 paddle related pastime, however it is a close second.