I’ve just about given up writing letters to the London Philharmonic requesting an audition as a soprano armpit-hand-farter. I understand they can’t accept every possible type of instrument, but is it really any more ridiculous than a tuba?

The only reverting I’ll be doing today is reverting my brain back into a state of deep REM sleep as soon as I finish typing this.

I know you guys were looking forward to the latest Hannah Montana Kissing Cousins game, but you’re going to have to settle for this new DYOG exclusive instead. If you want a mental picture of this beast, imagine Vector Runner mixed with Dolphin Olympics, but with more vectors and an extra serving of dolphin sexual assault.

Abracadabra you’re a musician.

Clarence’s story reminds me of me this guy I know, who after being single for 35 years finally set up a date with a nice lady he met online. Unfortunately she started throwing cutlery at me him as soon as she saw me him walking up to her table. Maybe next time he shouldn’t send a photo that was created by mashing up a young Tom Cruise and Ryan Reynolds in some morphing software.

The moral of the story is: nothing good ever happens at geographical locations that contain the word candy.

You: Admin, you are lame and we hate you for posting two upgrade games in a row. Also, we never read your intros.

It’s only a matter of time before the Bubble Boys of the world form a union and design real life Bubble Tanks during their next conference in Las Vegas.
Then they’re going to conquer the world just like the Moops did.

I love the music in this game. I’m going to find the mp3, put it on my iPod and listen to it while stalking Mila Kunis as she does the Downward Facing Dog pose in her yoga class.

If you’re thinking about starting your own company, let me offer you some humble advice:

a) public interest in DIY liposuction kits is not as high as you would expect.
b) a 50% discount on used q-tips is apparently not tempting enough.

What comes to mind first when you hear the word flight? For me it’s all about consuming enough stiff drinks to convince myself that giant metal tubes really can fly, and to turn that embarrassing TSA pat-down into a memorable sexual experience.

Well I hate to break this streak of Christmas themed games, but when I see a game called Testicle Wars, it pretty much demands to be posted. I mean – what kind of pervert dreams up a game about dueling male reproductive organs?? What kind of pervert indeed.

I have been bamboozled many times in my day, and I’ve learned some lessons I’d like to share with you:
1) your financial adviser should never be someone called Martin McSleeze.
2) there is no such charity as “The Breast Implants for Self-Conscious Female Chimpanzees Foundation”

I couldn’t even play this game. Just looking at it made me re-live an old trauma involving a toy rocket and my mom’s miniature pinscher, Pablo. How was I supposed to know dogs are flammable, I was only nine! Or nineteen.

Everyone uses different tricks to keep things sorted out in their head. I for instance believe that everything can be related to the 1990s pop phenomenon The Spice Girls. Take today’s game – Jesusaurus Rex is to Posh Spice as Treadmillasaurus Rex is to Sporty Spice (with a top hat). See, the world makes so much more sense now, doesn’t it?

Okay guys, it’s been couple of years and the girlfriend I built for myself has worn out completely. Being a busy surgeon that moonlights as a male underwear model I don’t have time to build a new one – so that’s where you come in. Just make her wheels double D this time.

If any ladies out there understand what I did with the title, then you need to get out of my dreams and into my car. I’ve been waiting for you since 1984. As for the rest of you – get with the program.

Yup, it’s another blue elephant game. Honestly I’m not sure what you’re supposed to do in this one. I’ve just been sitting in front of the computer randomly hitting the arrow keys, and that feels pretty gratifying. Though maybe that’s because I removed my pants? Yes, it’s definitely because I removed my pants.

This game brings back some good memories of my past life when I was a king of.. some country with a weird accent. Anyways, I told this impudent toad to build me a catapult and convinced some of my peasants that launching them in the air and turning themselves into a bloody mess was for the good of the country, while in reality it was simply for my morbid amusement. Good times, good times…

Oh Bobulous, I was so much more excited when I thought you were called Boobulous.

DIGYOUROWNGRAVE – blastin’ baddies and blastin’ dookies since 2005.

Now before you write this one off as just another Shopping Cart Hero clone, let’s look at an important fact: that squirrel is being thrown to the left people. The left!

If you think bringing a puppy or a baby to the park is a great way to meet ladies, let me tell you – nothing beats the chick magnetizing powers of a freshly bathed penguin. Except perhaps a Ferrari.

Protect the delicious mushrooms from the squeaky dog toys and the animatronic bears. Because if you don’t… there’s gonna… uh.. *crickets chirping*

I have always dreamed of a match three game that would let me do matches while the board is still rearranging. And now that such a game is finally here, it is every bit the orgy of color, particles, and extravagance that I imagined it would be.

aNY commNT leFT withoUT tHE proPR uSE OF MagnetiZR capitalizatiON wiLL BE promptLY deleTD. yOU haVE beEN warND!

(BonUS poinTS fOR leaviNG oUT soME E’s).

See now? The Civiballs is back. I told you if you don’t wipe them out the first time they’ll just come back even worse than before. You gotta keep using that special shampoo even if it looks like they’re all gone.

My least favorite part is getting smothered by the balls.

Hooray! It’s the weekend. Who’s got exciting plans? I’m not doing much, just gonna catch up on True Blood episodes and pick the porcupine quills out of my lips. Hey, don’t judge – those things look just like groundhogs from far away.

Not since Nintendo’s 1983 hit Elevator Action have I seen so much exciting elevator action in a game. And bleeding ghosts.

I’ve been trying to figure out why this game is called Hexcelle. My best guess so far is that it was created by Sir Hextor Cellesis and that he named the game after his only son, who is also named Hextor. This is all speculation of course.

I was actually thinking the other day that a penguin would make the perfect pet – if it wasn’t for the constant pooping. You could bring him in the bath, he wouldn’t take much room on the bed, I bet he’d love watching tv and sharing popcorn… It really is a shame about the pooping.

Fans of the original Megaman, Megaman X, and being total nerds, will love the way this game seamlessly ties all those elements together. Wait, does that say Chapter 0? We call that a “Prologue” where I come from*.

*I come from Smart People Town.

It seems like it’s been forever since we’ve seen a physics based ball puzzle game. What’s it been? A week? The game designers union must be on strike or something.

I like the pretty colors, but the only circuits I’ll be completing today are in my Scuderia Ferrari F2007.

So you call yourself a gamer?

In the future as I see it, gladiatorial combat will still be gladiatorial combat, except instead of direct physical contact, the fighters will control giant robots using a GUI interface written in Visual Basic. Also, the robots will be powered by urine.

If there’s one thing that the internet has taught us over these past few years, it’s that it’s fun and perfectly safe to play with fire.

The victory of the Mushroom Revolution will be a tangible demonstration before all the Americas that mushrooms are capable of rising up, that they can rise up by themselves right under the very fangs of the monster. It will mean the beginning of the end of colonial domination in America, that is, the definitive beginning of the end for North American imperialism.

Electricity is all sorts of useful. For instance, electricity is used to power snowmobiles, to make cars move (but not hybrids), and without electricity there would be no plants or animals. Think of how quiet and lonely the world would be without electricity! It would just be us and the robots.

Well today is President’s Day in the US, and we all know what that means. It means I can sit here on my couch in pantless glory until midnight and nobody can say a damn thing about it. Sometimes I like to refer to this particular holiday by it’s more common name – “Monday”.

You know who would be good at this game? This guy.

Press L to submit your score. Use any game mode you want.

I really wanted to make up for yesterday’s blunder by ruining your weekend extra badly today. However, today’s game has turned out to be quite fun, relatively easy, and somewhat short. As punishment, I shall spend the entire weekend in not just pants, but snowpants, listen to 50 Cent’s new album in it’s entirety, and eat only gluten-free foods.

Ah, sweet sweet crude, aka petroleum, aka “The Black Gold”. Not to be confused with “The Brown Gold”, known to many by it’s consumer name, Nutella. I would smear that stuff into my eyes if it made the taste last longer (it doesn’t, I tried).

If right now you have the option of trying this game or instead heading to the bathroom and smoking a giant brick of crack cocaine, I would highly recommend that sweet, sweet crack cocaine. It’s scientifically proven to be less addictive, and who needs teeth anyways?

I’m on your side when times get rough, and friends just can’t be found. Like a wooden path over a somewhat turbulent stream.

Sure, Guitar Hero is great for all you kids who are aspiring to be greasy-haired rock stars. But what if your musical aspirations consist of playing keyboards in a fruity Euro house band? Well Up Beat is just for you my friend! Turn up your speakers, grab a glow stick, and try not to stay up too late.

Hexiom – it’s just like Dungeons and Dragons, only minus the goblins, trolls, magic missiles, dungeon masters, dark caves, taverns, elves, dwarves, dice, nerds, more elves, chainmail armor, potions, orcs, half-elves, dragons, spells, super-nerds, giant lizard birds that you can fly, kinghts?, maidens, wizards, warlocks, witches, and… what I’m really trying to say is this game has hexagons in it.

Darkness has fallen upon the Kingdom of the Taint (a.k.a. Tainted Kingdom). Demonstrate your unconditional love for the holy land of the Taint and lead it’s great armies down the dark sweaty path to victory.

Boom Chicka Boom. Chicka Chicka Boom Boom.

Touch all the black and white shapes before they reach the bottom of the screen. But don’t touch any of the colored ones, or this cute little puppy gets it.*

* it = big kiss on the forehead

Finally, a game that scientists and creationists can both enjoy equally. The logical among you will appreciate the realistic simulation of the Laws of Physics, while the faithful can marvel at the mystical crayon powered by the magic of Jesus.

My favorite part of tower defense games is that 30 seconds between waves. Some people like to use the time to upgrade their units, but I like to use it to take a breather from the game and do something in the real world. Like make out with a supermodel, or maybe go online and buy a new yacht.

Little known fact: 1 in 4 zombies would rather cuddle than eat brains.

PS: JUMP GYPSY, JUMP!

Ha! Balloon armies! Have you ever heard of anything so silly? What next, clown armies? Wait, clown armies would be terrifying.

Click groups of three or more like-colored blocks to make them disappear. Don’t let the blocks reach the top or something bad will happen. I’m not going to say exactly what, but it may involve your mom, three stray cats, 1 jar of spaghetti sauce, former UFC heavyweight champion Tim ‘The Maniac’ Sylvia, and a lightbulb.

You’re on your own for this one guys. I have a fear of spiders that is all too real, and a reaction to seeing them that is all too feminine. As soon as those fat mutants started crawling down the screen I yelped like a chihuahua and ran straight into the bathroom.

In the future, all battles will be fought with small dogs, ponies and arachnid-like robots, just like in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

I’ll be honest, this game isn’t really what I had imagined when I fantasize about being a zombie. First off, armor? Second, friends? And I had imagined a lot more brain eating. Also – less talking, more groaning.

Remember that crazy Snowball game from a couple years ago? Well it’s back, and now it’s in glorious 3D. Use your giant icy balls to defeat the forces of evil in the Olympic Kingdom.

If you’re having trouble with the keys, you need to update your Flash Player.

I don’t know what my problem is, but I have way more fun blowing up the trees in this game than I do the enemy tanks. Maybe it’s because my parents were killed by a rogue tree.

Now before you start getting all up in the comments with your NOT ANOTHER TOWER DEFENSE GAME!!!!!!1s, I want you to turn off the capslock and ask yourself, do I see any towers? Am I doing any “defending”? Actually, forget that last question. Just answer the one about the towers.

Merry Christmas Fruitcakes!

PS: If you don’t celebrate Christmas, have a happy Tuesday anyways. Oh yeah, and the baby Jesus hates you.

A little stock tip for you guys: don’t trade in your Google shares for ‘precious sparkle gems’. Turns out that’s not even a real form of currency.

If I were a brilliant electrical engineer, I… wait a minute, let me start over… Being one of the world’s most brilliant electrical engineers, I find it silly that people like building robots for fighting. Robots should be created for much more noble purposes, like medical procedures or washing my car.

This is a 2D version of Valve Software’s innovative game Portal. The goal of the game is to use the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device to complete a series of increasingly difficult room puzzles, all so that you can eat some delicious cake and listen to the crazy Portal song until you throw-up.

I like things with simple self-explanatory titles. Strategy Defense. It just says it all. Strategy, and defense. It’s like my name. Handsome Webmaster. Handsome Wicked-Smart Webmaster, if you count my middle name.