That’s not a knife, this is a… holy crap, wait that is a knife.

UPDATE: Rankosaurus should be fixed now.

I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is:

a) coated 200 mg Advil tablets.
b) more cowbell.
c) raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

And here we are, screwed again by gravity. Seriously, name one good thing about gravity. Going to the bathroom? Hmmmm… okay, maybe gravity’s not so bad.

Although my motocross racing days are behind me (thanks to a massive groin injury), I can still enjoy this… hmmm? Oh, no, the groin injury wasn’t caused by racing. How? Well, I really can’t get into it here… but let’s just say it involved Petra Nemcova, 20 gallons of grape jello, and a full grown whippet.

No matter how cute you try and draw a cartoon hedgehog, it will never, ever, ever ever ever, look as cute as a real life hedgehog. I think it’s one of the laws of physics.

Tired of boring, predictable games? Has the same-old-same-old got you down? Well rejoice, for the next Dig Your Own Grave exclusive has arrived! I am so here for you fruitcakes. I am your pusher. I am your fat sweaty sugar daddy. I am the cushion for your pushin. I… might have crossed the line with that last one.

Now if you’re not going to promise to shout “Weeeeeeeeeee!” while you play this game, I don’t want you to even try it. I’m serious. Don’t you dare click that link.

That’s right folks. It’s time for another Dig Your Own Grave exclusive game. I know! It’s totally crazy. We’re pooping these things out like we just ate them for breakfast. This game features some old-skool 3D vector graphics, and a pace so fast that we can actually 100% guarantee you’ll have a stroke. Enjoy!

In today’s adventure you’re a lowly fly, flying your way through a big bad machine. And if you see any dog poop on the way - what the heck, take a few bites. Let’s see what all that fuss is about.

Modern Toilet is a chain of scatological-themed restaurants in Taiwan, where the patrons sit on toilets and eat off of covered sinks and bathtubs.

You know it’s going to be an awesome week when you start it off by popping massive quantities of pills.

Yeeehaw! It’s time to dust off that cowboy hat and put on your sexiest pair of assless chaps. Thanks to this game, you can now live out your embarrassing wild-west gunslinger fantasy from the safety of your own home. And who knows, if you keep practicing maybe one day you’ll be as good as this guy.

Well here’s your last game for 2007. And there have been so many games! So which one was your favorite? Vector Runner? How about besides Vector Runner? Oh, the Huge Manatee? Oh gosh, you guys flatter me.

In the game of Multiball Madness, I can guarantee you will experience two things. The first is balls. Multiple balls. The second is madness. Pure, unadulterated madness.

I’ve always said the best way to handle interpersonal issues is with some gasoline and a match.

Admittedly, this game isn’t my #1 paddle related pastime, however it is a close second.

If you can’t bring the snow to the city, use an escalator.

Songwriters aren’t even trying anymore are they?

Tim, like King Midas from Greek mythology, has an amazing power that is both a gift and a curse. I bet he’s tired of eating Skittles.

A lot of Chinese names are hard to pronounce for us round-eyes, so it’s a good thing that so many Chinese people create English names for themselves. Though the names they choose often leave something to be desired, in the spirit of togetherness I’ve decided to come up with my own English Chinese name. Just call me Waddles MacRarrar.

If you hate your children and want to hurt them, but are worried about the inevitable jail sentence, buy them a trampoline. They will love you for getting them such a fun toy, and you can rest assured that it’s only a matter of time before they get seriously injured.

The funniest thing ever to be associated with Jimmy Kimmel (excluding Sarah Silverman) is the Nervous Kid.

Merry Christmas Fruitcakes!

PS: If you don’t celebrate Christmas, have a happy Tuesday anyways. Oh yeah, and the baby Jesus hates you.

A little stock tip for you guys: don’t trade in your Google shares for ‘precious sparkle gems’. Turns out that’s not even a real form of currency.

Do you like the brain puzzles? Are you obsessive compulsive? Do you need to do anything today other than sit in front of the computer until your butt goes numb? If you answered yes to all of these questions, do NOT click the link.

Ancient Russian texts translate the word “Eskiv” to mean “The Circle - bringer of death, slayer of cats, and occasional dog rapist”. This game is a little lot like Dodge, but with a shot of taurine added, plus an ever so soothing aquamarine background.

The Scales of Justice need balancing. Unfortunately this game has nothing to do with that. But hey, funky music! Boop boop boop boop boop beep boo-dee-dooo…

In this game you have to try and save Sir Whitey McBlockster from a deadly pool of rising lava. It takes a combination of luck, strategy, and patience to do well, but with practice you can actually get some pretty high scores.

You’re not going to let me keep that gold, are you?

Today I am pleased to announce the launch of our very first Dig Your Own Grave exclusive game. And let me tell you, I couldn’t be more excited. The game features some of my most favorite things in the world, including guns, giant explosions, advanced force-field technology, and of course, shooting endangered manatees.

This game is not Pacman. It is something far better. It is Pacxon. Do not play Pacxon if you are sensitive to or have ever had an allergic reaction to it. Do not play Pacxon for at least 14 days after taking a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAO inhibitor) such as the antidepressants Nardil and Parnate. Pacxon and MAO inhibitors may interact to cause a sharp, potentially life-threatening rise in blood pressure.

If right now you have the option of trying this game or instead heading to the bathroom and smoking a giant brick of crack cocaine, I would highly recommend that sweet, sweet crack cocaine. It’s scientifically proven to be less addictive, and who needs teeth anyways?