This is exactly what my stomach looks like on an ultrasound after one of my Friday night gummy bear binges.

A little warning for you travelers out there… during a recent visit to England I saw a flyer for discount scuba lessons and thought I would try it out. Now I’m not going to get into all the details of this scam, but for 20£ I spent an hour sitting in a kiddie pool with this guy. And if it needs to be said, no, I still do not know how to scuba dive.

He’s a maniac, maniac on the bike,
And he’s biking like he’s never biked before.

It’s virtually impossible to think of something funny to say about a game called ‘Neopods’. It’s like trying to find something that rhymes with ‘orange’.

Wonderputt reminds me of Wünderputz – something you can ask for in any respectable German “massage parlor”. Just don’t be surprised when a “masseuse” walks in holding a 3 foot homemade knackwurst sausage, accompanied by a baby cow in a gimp suit.

There is no doubt in my mind that penguins will take over the world in the next 50 years or so. They are not happy-go-lucky singing/dancing/surfing creatures -in fact, they are more like Feathers McGraw. Just look at the video evidence – those evil eyes and a complete lack of respect for the sacred right of every living creature: to take an awesome midday nap.

I like to think of myself as a pretty smart guy, but I cannot get past level two of this ‘kids game’. Some guy has apparently gotten to level 30, which isn’t too hard to believe if you also believe in unicorns and monsters made of cheesecake.

It’s been a dogs age since we posted a game so I thought it would be nice to find a great one and put it up for you. But this isn’t it. This is just some strange game about flowers with really soothing background noises that I just can’t stop playing. Which is odd because I haven’t even figured out the rules yet.

Shortly after I broke my personal record for the longest time sitting on the couch without getting up (84 hours), I developed something my doctor referred to as “Nuclearoids”. Basically it’s a hemorrhoid that evolves to the point where it can reproduce asexually and forge medieval era weapons.

I couldn’t even play this game. Just looking at it made me re-live an old trauma involving a toy rocket and my mom’s miniature pinscher, Pablo. How was I supposed to know dogs are flammable, I was only nine! Or nineteen.

I have been bamboozled many times in my day, and I’ve learned some lessons I’d like to share with you:
1) your financial adviser should never be someone called Martin McSleeze.
2) there is no such charity as “The Breast Implants for Self-Conscious Female Chimpanzees Foundation”

You know, I like this game, but the only problem is that its logic really doesn’t conform with what my brain tells me. How does woman + lust not equal Kelly Brook? And how does gluttony + chaos not make the Bellagio Buffet in Vegas?

Oh Bobulous, I was so much more excited when I thought you were called Boobulous.

Dos Taberinos! Undelay! Undelay! Arrrrrriba!

I believe we should all take steps to better ourselves from time to time. That’s why I’m going to challenge myself to not post a single game that involves thinking this week. It’s going to be hard. It’s going to be damn hard, but I’m going to do it. And a sub-goal: every game will contain hobos.

In today’s game, Col- wait a second… is that a “u”? Son of a… looks like a Canadian got in here. Guys, if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times, you can’t just use spray – you also have to leave poison food traps so the worker Canadians carry the food back to the Canadian Queen. Otherwise she just keeps laying eggs and they never stop coming.

I know you feisty Canadians are probably getting all aroused seeing that orgy of U’s on the instructions page – but know this! I am coming for you. I’m wearing a cowboy hat, driving my H2 hummer with a Coors Light in one hand and a Walmart brand rifle in the other, and all your precious free health care won’t be enough to save you from my wrath!

Listen up Canadians. Thanks to Canuck Ambassador Vaxas, it’s now out in the open that all Americans have HIV. Based on this revelation I want to formally offer you our surrender on behalf of the United States of America. (But I’m still keeping my favorite shirt).

We’ve all seen The Matrix, Terminator, Battlestar Galactica… so what, now we’re supposed to help the robots? Ha ha, no way! Nice try robots!

I’d like to order a fat slice of love. Double cheese and extra-saucy please.

The full title wouldn’t fit so I had to abbreviate it.

Your wildest Plinko fantasies have just come true.

How does it feel to be entangled… in my love?

After their journey to the Royal Palace to meet the King, Reemus and Liam rewarded themselves with a weekend spa and deep chemical peeling. Their pores never felt cleaner and tighter, but the bliss would soon come to and end – trouble was lurking not far away…

If you’re anything like me, the first thing that comes to mind when you hear ‘pool’, is ‘swimming pool’. And thinking of a swimming pool makes me want to pee in it, because it’s such a warm, friendly feeling. And by this point I’ve usually wet my pants.

Way back in 1972, a company called Atari released what many people believe was the first ever video game. And today, 36 years of human and… woah, deja vu.

Well instead of 2008 being the year of playing with yourself, I think it’s definitely shaping up to be the year of physics puzzle games. So it turns out game developers aren’t perverts, they’re just gigantic nerds.

I think this game is broken. I can’t find the Yahtzee button anywhere.

That’s not a knife, this is a… holy crap, wait that is a knife.

I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is:

a) coated 200 mg Advil tablets.
b) more cowbell.
c) raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

And here we are, screwed again by gravity. Seriously, name one good thing about gravity. Going to the bathroom? Hmmmm… okay, maybe gravity’s not so bad.

Although my motocross racing days are behind me (thanks to a massive groin injury), I can still enjoy this… hmmm? Oh, no, the groin injury wasn’t caused by racing. How? Well, I really can’t get into it here… but let’s just say it involved Petra Nemcova, 20 gallons of grape jello, and a full grown whippet.

No matter how cute you try and draw a cartoon hedgehog, it will never, ever, ever ever ever, look as cute as a real life hedgehog. I think it’s one of the laws of physics.

Tired of boring, predictable games? Has the same-old-same-old got you down? Well rejoice, for the next Dig Your Own Grave exclusive has arrived! I am so here for you fruitcakes. I am your pusher. I am your fat sweaty sugar daddy. I am the cushion for your pushin. I… might have crossed the line with that last one.

Now if you’re not going to promise to shout “Weeeeeeeeeee!” while you play this game, I don’t want you to even try it. I’m serious. Don’t you dare click that link.

That’s right folks. It’s time for another Dig Your Own Grave exclusive game. I know! It’s totally crazy. We’re pooping these things out like we just ate them for breakfast. This game features some old-skool 3D vector graphics, and a pace so fast that we can actually 100% guarantee you’ll have a stroke. Enjoy!
UPDATE: Now available – Vector Runner iPhone!

In today’s adventure you’re a lowly fly, flying your way through a big bad machine. And if you see any dog poop on the way – what the heck, take a few bites. Let’s see what all that fuss is about.

Modern Toilet is a chain of scatological-themed restaurants in Taiwan, where the patrons sit on toilets and eat off of covered sinks and bathtubs.

You know it’s going to be an awesome week when you start it off by popping massive quantities of pills.

Yeeehaw! It’s time to dust off that cowboy hat and put on your sexiest pair of assless chaps. Thanks to this game, you can now live out your embarrassing wild-west gunslinger fantasy from the safety of your own home. And who knows, if you keep practicing maybe one day you’ll be as good as this guy.

Well here’s your last game for 2007. And there have been so many games! So which one was your favorite? Vector Runner? How about besides Vector Runner? Oh, the Huge Manatee? Oh gosh, you guys flatter me.

In the game of Multiball Madness, I can guarantee you will experience two things. The first is balls. Multiple balls. The second is madness. Pure, unadulterated madness.

I’ve always said the best way to handle interpersonal issues is with some gasoline and a match.

Admittedly, this game isn’t my #1 paddle related pastime, however it is a close second.

If you can’t bring the snow to the city, use an escalator.

Songwriters aren’t even trying anymore are they?

Tim, like King Midas from Greek mythology, has an amazing power that is both a gift and a curse. I bet he’s tired of eating Skittles.

A lot of Chinese names are hard to pronounce for us round-eyes, so it’s a good thing that so many Chinese people create English names for themselves. Though the names they choose often leave something to be desired, in the spirit of togetherness I’ve decided to come up with my own English Chinese name. Just call me Waddles MacRarrar.

If you hate your children and want to hurt them, but are worried about the inevitable jail sentence, buy them a trampoline. They will love you for getting them such a fun toy, and you can rest assured that it’s only a matter of time before they get seriously injured.

The funniest thing ever to be associated with Jimmy Kimmel (excluding Sarah Silverman) is the Nervous Kid.

Merry Christmas Fruitcakes!

PS: If you don’t celebrate Christmas, have a happy Tuesday anyways. Oh yeah, and the baby Jesus hates you.

A little stock tip for you guys: don’t trade in your Google shares for ‘precious sparkle gems’. Turns out that’s not even a real form of currency.

Do you like the brain puzzles? Are you obsessive compulsive? Do you need to do anything today other than sit in front of the computer until your butt goes numb? If you answered yes to all of these questions, do NOT click the link.

Ancient Russian texts translate the word “Eskiv” to mean “The Circle – bringer of death, slayer of cats, and occasional dog rapist”. This game is a little lot like Dodge, but with a shot of taurine added, plus an ever so soothing aquamarine background.

The Scales of Justice need balancing. Unfortunately this game has nothing to do with that. But hey, funky music! Boop boop boop boop boop beep boo-dee-dooo…

In this game you have to try and save Sir Whitey McBlockster from a deadly pool of rising lava. It takes a combination of luck, strategy, and patience to do well, but with practice you can actually get some pretty high scores.

You’re not going to let me keep that gold, are you?

Today I am pleased to announce the launch of our very first Dig Your Own Grave exclusive game. And let me tell you, I couldn’t be more excited. The game features some of my most favorite things in the world, including guns, giant explosions, advanced force-field technology, and of course, shooting endangered manatees.

This game is not Pacman. It is something far better. It is Pacxon. Do not play Pacxon if you are sensitive to or have ever had an allergic reaction to it. Do not play Pacxon for at least 14 days after taking a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAO inhibitor) such as the antidepressants Nardil and Parnate. Pacxon and MAO inhibitors may interact to cause a sharp, potentially life-threatening rise in blood pressure.

If right now you have the option of trying this game or instead heading to the bathroom and smoking a giant brick of crack cocaine, I would highly recommend that sweet, sweet crack cocaine. It’s scientifically proven to be less addictive, and who needs teeth anyways?