I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got the monkey?

If my deep understanding of women has taught me one thing, it’s that women love guys with big trucks. And beer bellies. So play hard at this game, and start drinking cheap beer as soon as local law will allow.

Relieve your childhood dreams in this surrealistic art game. Now… not to split hairs, but my childhood dreams usually involved Transformers and GI Joe. Maybe they show up in the later levels?

Coign of Vantage (pronounced “Heeeeyoooo”), is a very innovative little game that tests your spatial perception. Spatial perception comes in handy for things like not killing cyclists while driving, and keeping your pee in the toilet while peeing. It’s practically one of my favorite perceptions.

This is another one of those situations where you have to wonder what all those involved thought would happen. (NSFW due to potty mouths.)

There’s been so much shooting and violence here lately that I thought it might be nice to play a game that’s just all about a little red ball, and drawing with a fat marker, and relaxing clunking sounds, and really really really awful music. Throw in a pork burrito and I’m pretty much in heaven.

Okay, everyone all together now:

NNNNNNNNNNnnn… BRAINNNNNNNnnns…

Bounce… bounce… bounce.. bounce.bounce. SPLODE. Bounce… bounce… bounce.. bounce.bounce.bounce. SPLODE. Bounce bounce bou-SPLODE. Booooounceeee…..? No, SPLODE.

Get used to it.

I’m glad I didn’t go to a school with school lunches, because these pictures of the lunch options from the Harrisonburg, Virginia school system, are truly disgusting.

Pro Hot Tip: Of all the things to possibly save money on for your wedding, make sure the cake isn’t one of them.

You are infamous Indestructotank pilot Dirk Danger. Included among your many missions for the day is no less than rescuing the President of the United States from kidnappers. But more important things first, let’s stop by City Hall and get that name changed!

So you thought you did well at Statetris? Well let’s see how you do a little farther from home, with Statetris: Europe Edition. For those of you that don’t know, Europe is a magical land, filled with nations smaller than Delaware and people that speak with silly accents.

From across the ocean and directly into your home, it’s Nodes, by Nodey McNodester. Sit back, relax, and enjoy. But don’t poop your pants!

I really wish this game was called Balls Revamped. I have an unlimited supply of jokes for games about balls (especially revamped balls), but with just one ball I’m totally lost.

It really sucks having only one ball…

You still wake up sometimes, don’t you? Wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the beans?

PS: Who is your favorite bean?

We’ve combined pooping with Tetris, and the results were pooperrific. Now it’s time to combine the United States of America with Tetris. And the results are… pooperrific?

It may not be Spy Hunter, but it does the job. And a giant man hug to whoever can figure out what the guy is saying in the game over music.

This guy was damned if he did, and damned if he didn’t, but in retrospect, reversing and destroying the crossing guard barrier would have been the better choice.

Oh noes! Some bad fuzzy bears have robbed a bank and taken hostages! You control a crack team of 4 special agent Warbears sent in to save the day. When you’re done you can just tell me what to do, because so far I’ve only been able to make the one bear blow up his bear buddy. And that, unfortunately, is not part of the mission.

Coincidentally, I have my very own set of real life “Indestructotanks”. I call them “my fists”. Get it? My fists. HULK ANGRY! ME SMASH!

Little-known-fact: among the less common (but still highly effective) ways to commit suicide is to play the online game ‘Red Team’ for more than 20 minutes consecutively. Death is caused when the subject’s brain, through a misguided act of self preservation, attempts to eject itself from the head by way of the nose, eyes, and mouth.

Boomshine is another great suggestion from our Forums. Turn up the soothing music, click the circles, and watch them s-plode. And remember, you can never actually lose in this game, you can only quit. You’re not a quitter are you?

I don’t think we do enough educational stuff on this site. Sure we have some fun, but in what way do you exercise your mental muscle by visiting Dig Your Own Grave? WELL THAT ALL CHANGES TODAY. It’s time to figure out some wordz and your gonna need to do sum spellinz and if you don’t you’re going to die a horrible, horrible, horrible death.

I think this game should have a second game mode where you get to play as the geek. In that version as soon as the cheater gets too close you get to shoot him in the face. Either that or start crying, which is what I used to do *cough* I mean, that’s what the geeks used to do when I cheated off them. Which I did all the time. I’m such a badass!

Put aside your feelings about mice and help this little rodent stuff his belly with mountains of delicious cheese! I’m just going to leave my highscore in the comments. If I wrote it right up here the demoralizing wave that would blast out of your computer when you read it would probably kill you.

Find all the differences in each scene or Bookend Kitty gets the taser. Bzzzzz Bzzzzz Bzzzzz. Look folks, I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.

This is one of those classic spot-the-difference games. I find it pretty hard. In fact, I’ve played it I don’t know how many times now and I haven’t won once. So if you can win at least one game then I guess you’re better than me. Although that would also make you nerdier and unsexier than me, so there. Pick your poison smarty pants.

I don’t know why, but this game is not nearly as easy as you’d think it would be. My brain just can’t seem to decide what it’s supposed to do. Red-to-red, blue-to-blue, blue-to-blue, red-to-blue, no! Ahhh! Madness!

YOU: Hey, this game is just like the last drunken beer balancing game you put up!
ME: Yes it is.
YOU: You’re an idiot! Your website sucks! You’re gay!

There, I saved you the trouble.

Move yer mouse left and right to help me keep me pint steady. TRY NOT TO SPILL ALL MY BLOODY BEER.

Now that’s pants!

Okay smarty pants, here is a grade 3 US geography game for you. I dare anyone to beat my high score of 22/48. That may not seem very good but keep in mind I’m a little drunk, and by ‘a little’ I mean ‘fantastically’. Also, my co-workers keep coming into my cubicle and distracting me so it’s hard to concentrate.

You people want another game? Well I want Lamborghini Gallardo, are you going to give me that? I didn’t think so. Well here’s your game anyways, jerks.

After seeing today’s game, you may find yourself asking, “How many Bloons games is too many Bloons games?”. However, the sophisticated among us will stick to more important questions like “should I not have eaten that?”, or “say, do you mind if I put that down my pants?”, and my personal favorite, “can I speak to my lawyer now?”

It’s tough for me to decide what I like better, Bejeweled clones, or Poppit clones. It’s kind of like trying to decide between death by fuzzy puppy kisses, or death by Brazilian supermodel kisses. It just depends on my mood.

hhheeeeeeeeeee’ssssss baaaaaaack…

As if Mondays weren’t bad enough already…

The Monkey is back. He laughs at your suffering.

Shift 3 is out! Now featuring Adventure Mode. Plus some groovy player packs! And a pack of Lime Jello! Plus a 3-way sprocket wrench! And a hooker!

Admin’s Corollary: Penguins are black and white. This game is black and white. Therefore, this game is a penguin.

Not since R.S.V.P - The Racial Segregation Party have I been so disgusted with a game. How many years has it taken us to overcome our prejudices? And then a little game like this comes along and tries to teach us that it does matter whether you’re black or white. Well shame on you game developers. SHAME ON YOU!

Some things are just so ridiculous that they command respect. Like for instance, this game, or the Hungarian Komondor.

You guys just go ahead and let me know if this game is any good or not. Call me old fashioned, but I don’t engage in any leisure activities inspired by the idea of balls being crushed.

I’ve got nothing folks. Here we have yet another game featuring a screen full of balls, but after all these years there is not a single joke left in the great Encyclopedia Balltanica. I am in desperate need of some new material! Maybe someone could create a game where you have to strangle chickens? Or punish a naughty monkey…

Physics + Balls = Edutainment.

Science has proven that even a Proboscis Monkey can spot the differences between these sets of pictures. You’re smarter than a crazy penis-nosed monkey, aren’t you?

Here is yet another games about balls. It’s creator goes by the name of Robin K. I just want to make sure you’re clear on this, since holding the #1 spot on the leaderboard will obviously make you the undisputed master of Robin K’s Balls.

In this gritty, emotionally charged game, you follow the life of a simple ball willing to sacrifice everything in pursuit of it’s vision of happiness. Even as it descends deeper into it’s own despair, the ball refuses to let go, plummeting with it’s dreams into a nightmarish, gut-wrenching freefall.

Take my advice, don’t even try this game. It hates you. It doesn’t care that you think it’s ugly and stupid. It thinks you’re uglier and stupider. It just told your grandmother that you don’t love her. It called your mom and told her you’re dead. It just ate the last Kit Kat. It didn’t flush the toilet. It is an evil older than time itself.

Rumor has it the creators of this game are on the run from the law. They’re being brought up against federal charges for having released a sproingy game without the inclusion of springy-sproingy sounds effects. It’s only a short jail term in the US, but they’re actually facing the death penalty in Singapore.

Simple enough. Spin around and collect the stars. Green is good, red is bad. It’s like Christmas in space! Without presents!

There’s an old saying, “When life gives you lemons, smash those *#$&%s into the ground with the largest club you can find. Fill the streets with their sour citrus blood until not a single one is left whole”. Or… something like that.

Can you solve the mysterious puzzle of Heady Steinberg? There’s a prize if you can! (The prize is hugs and cuddles.)

My favorite part of the game is the way he lies there shivering at the bottom of the stairs. Poor little fella… Somebody give that stickman a cuddle!

Following this link is a demonstration of what goes on in a person’s head while they’re playing a videogame (especially one with jumping puzzles). As such, it is essentially one endless string of profanities and the audio should not be considered safe-for-work. Please, play, and let the hilarity ensue.

Help the poor little boneless man avoid the metal spikes raining down from the sky! I was able to dodge 135. Coincidentally that is the same number of pushups I do every morning. Right before I head off to male supermodel school. Just some little facts I thought you might be interested in… *cough* ladies.

In the spring of 1999, the Family Learning Channel commissioned animator Don Hertzfeldt to produce promotional segments for their network. The cartoons were completed in five weeks. The Family Learning Channel rejected all of them upon review, and they were never aired…

I’ll tell you when the suffering will end. It ends when that monkey is lying face-down in a pool of his own blood.

In this game you have to try and save Sir Whitey McBlockster from a deadly pool of rising lava. It takes a combination of luck, strategy, and patience to do well, but with practice you can actually get some pretty high scores.

You’re not going to let me keep that gold, are you?

I told myself I was done with tower defense games, but along came that damn monkey and his balloons again. I swear he must have been a crack dealer in another life.

Good news, it’s time to finally put your civil engineering degree to use. Somebody needs you to build the tallest tower in the world, and they don’t care if you use the earthquake building codes as toilet paper. So what are you waiting for? Get off your duff and get into that crane!

Atom Juggler is like that old Juggler game, but in this one you get to juggle atoms. Just like those clown scientists you always see downtown. Anyways… don’t forget you can press pause during the game and buy powerups for your paddle!

God bless America.

Here are another 50 levels of Bloons, but this time they are created by the fans. I haven’t gotten that far, but some of these levels seem pretty ridonculous. I don’t know about you, but if I were making a Bloons level it would have 5 balloons, 20 darts, and you’d be able to kill that damn monkey.

Cover your mouth, because you’re about to yell “oh s***!”

Luminara is the by-product of Ellipsis and the classic arcade game Asteroids getting together and making sweet, sweet, videogame love. And it’s not gross, it’s a perfectly natural way for two videogames to show that they love each other.

I almost feel like I need to apologize for this post.

You young whipper snappers! You’re so spoiled by your fancy videogames these days. A real game doesn’t need more than 20 pixels on screen at any one time. And 4 colors is plenty! Any more than that and the developer is just compensating for an incredibly small penis.

Although this game is fantastically cool, I cannot help but think of how much cooler it would be if these talented game developers had made it about a pirate and not a ninja. Instead of lasers there would be cannonballs, and instead of all this silly jumping there would be swashbuckling. And there would also be ale, and a parrot, and eyepatches. I think I’ve made my point.

This is a very simple endurance game involving a bunch of balls. And now that we have that out of the way we can begin the mandatory ‘I love playing with balls’ comments in three, two, one… go!

Although the medicinal effects of popping balloons have never been scientifically proven, the South African Supahfa-izzle tribe have been using the technique for over a century. Critically ill tribe members are give a large pin and placed in an enclosure filled with giant, colorful balloons. And although the patients still die, at least they die smelling of balloons.

I’m not sure that this game is any good or not, but damned if it isn’t the most relaxing thing I’ve ever played. The sounds are really gentle, and even the enemies are all slow and laid back. They’re like, “Chill dude, we’re coming to get you, we’re just gonna grab some lunch first; haven’t eaten all day mon amigo!”

I like this game because it has three different game modes. And that means I can dominate all of you in three different ways using only a single game. It’s like triple-domination time, baby. Prepare to be dominated. Three times.

Arcade: 47 stars/71.70 secs, Countdown: 106 stars, Sprint: 18.43 secs

This is one of those games that the more I play, the worse I get. And that makes me want to play it more, which makes me suck at it even harder. It’s a vicious cycle, and it will end with me naked, crying, and possibly in the wrong apartment. 66.13 was my best, but that was many games ago…

Hell of Sand is yet another game with no point other than to waste time. It is also an oddly titled game. I would have called it Joy of Relaxing Sand. Make sure you experiment with all of the options at the bottom.

Wake up silly sleepy-heads! Charlie’s going to Candy Mountain, a land of sweets and joy and joyness. It’ll be an adventure!