Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends.

Just remember… it’s never lupus.

For years I’ve been praying that someone would make a game involving a ball you move around the screen with your keyboard. WELL TODAY ALL OF OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED.

If real life were just like the world of the Hungry Shapes, I would be a big fat square and as red as a lobster with a sunburn. Because I loooooooove me some hamburgers.

What kinds of things would you put in a super briefcase do you think? Not just boring old papers. I imagine it would be filled with gold bullion, East German pickles, futuristic weapons, and one of those Swiss Army Knives that has like a HUNDRED things in it.

Sometimes when I play a game I can hear a song for it in my head right away. Like this one goes: cat, cat, cat – ticka-ticka – cat, cat cat (robotvoice)WAAAATERM-E-L-L-O-N *guitar solo*

Traversed by a grey skinned fellow,
With tusks a whiteish-yellow,
and kisses like shots of Grape Jello.

Spoiler Alert: Grandma gets eaten.

Take off your shirt and whip out your glow-sticks, cause it’s car racing time – clubbin’ style. WARNING: It has been statistically proven by a famous scientist (me) that if you do not finish this game in the one minute alloted to you, crazy euro ravers will burst into your room and break all your furniture and maybe kill your cat.

You know you’ve found a great game when it triggers a migraine.

1. Everyone knows that Omega Supreme is awesome, and yes, he should have been in every episode.
2. Everyone knows that the Autobots lived in Metroplex. Robots need cities too.
3. Everyone knows the Dinobots came from the dinosaur times, and there’s nothing strange about that.

I don’t want to nitpick, but I would assume the 3rd Little Pig used mortar when building his brick house. Also, I don’t think the Three Little Pigs counts as a legend.

To get an idea of what playing this game is like on a laptop touchpad, copy the following simple steps:

1) If you are right-handed, place the mouse in your left hand (or vise versa).
2) Wrap the mouse cord around your neck and leap out the nearest window.

SumoBall is one of those games that is okay on it’s own, but can be super fun if you have a friend handy. And in case you were wondering, yes, a bottle of Tuscan Merlot counts as a friend.

Molten lava is no laughing matter. Unless you pour it down your friend’s pants – then it’s hilarious!

Well surprise surprise. You’ve gotten yourself trapped in a room again. You know – you might want to consider carrying a bit of C4 in your purse from now on.

(yeah, I said ‘purse’. You got a problem with that, lady?)

You might not think that stacking blocks would be fun, be let’s not forget you felt the same way when I told you to try pouring butterscotch pudding down your pants. And now you can’t leave the house without a little pudding in the pants, can you? It’s just so gosh darned… butterscotchy.

Finally, a little game for the Emo in all of us.

The title of this game promised me cursors. When I read “Cursor Chaos” I picture an orgy of multi-colored arrows, hourglasses, and pointing fingers, all shooting me, shooting each other, insulting my mother, crying, peeing on my couch, and making out with Cindy Seabrook in the closet. I’m not going to lie, I was a little disappointed.

And by “lawn” I mean the 3 foot radius around my computer. And by “get off” I mean just take a step back so you’re not in my personal space, but please stay and talk to me because I’m lonely. So very very lonely.

I often dream I am falling, and wake up having fallen from the bed. Psychology tells me this is due to deep seated insecurities, but I say it’s because I sleep on a coffee table covered in baby oil.

Line Rider is back, this time with two different track types, a zoom tool, and an eraser tool!

This game is not Pacman. It is something far better. It is Pacxon. Do not play Pacxon if you are sensitive to or have ever had an allergic reaction to it. Do not play Pacxon for at least 14 days after taking a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAO inhibitor) such as the antidepressants Nardil and Parnate. Pacxon and MAO inhibitors may interact to cause a sharp, potentially life-threatening rise in blood pressure.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a missile? Yeah… me too. In fact it pretty much consumes my every waking thought. I used to think about it so much that it cost me just about everything. My job, my wife, my hair, my beloved hamster Sir Hamerstien… but now thanks to this game I can finally get my life back together. Thank-you The Missile Game 3d!

Storm the House 3… errr.. *cough* excuse me, Stickman Madness 3 is finally out!

It’s Thursday folks! So uncork that bottle of ‘88 Grand Vin de Leoville, strip down to your underwear, and blast waves of stickmen into bloody heaps in my new favorite game, Stickman Madness. It’s madness I tell you.

‘Where’s Waldo?’ books were the perfect answer to a parent’s suggestion that you weren’t reading enough, and now he’s back with an online game to advertise his new book. (Tip: After you’ve found Waldo twice, and all the items, go into your Flash player settings and delete all the information stored by whereswaldo.com, then refresh the page and Waldo will likely be hiding in a different spot.)

Not since I met Shifty Eyes McGee at the 1993 Carp Fair have I had an experience so… shifty.

I’ll be honest with you, I had a lot of reservations posting this game knowing that we’ll have to listen to looc ask us to touch his meebles for the next two weeks. But ultimately justice prevailed.

Meeblings = Justice

Most men believe, though few will admit, that the true measure of a man is the amount of urine he pees out in a given trip to the bathroom. And even if you don’t agree, you have to admit it’s embarrassing when nothing comes out.

Does it make me a bad person if I just want to shoot EVERYONE?

I can relate. Damn crabs are always stealing my hats.

And here we are, screwed again by gravity. Seriously, name one good thing about gravity. Going to the bathroom? Hmmmm… okay, maybe gravity’s not so bad.

After yesterday’s game you should be all set to handle the challenges of today’s game, Boombot. You sure like blowing stuff up, don’t you? Kinda makes you feel good doesn’t it? WELL I GOT MY EYE ON YOU AL-QAEDA!

Eyebrows and awesome music combine to make you… want chocolate?

So the other day this pretty influential guy was talking to me, and he was like, “Admin, you are so super cool the way you make games and stuff”. And I was like, “Thanks God, you’re pretty cool yourself, the way you created the universe and stuff. Oh, except for the part where you made testicles on the outside.” Seriously, what’s up with that?

Remember that time you had Taco Bell and then had to find a bathroom really (really really) quickly? This game picks up where that fateful afternoon left off.

PS: Contains NSFW language. Lots of it.

Anyone who’s at least 400 years old like I am might remember my favorite childhood nursery rhyme, “Roly Poly pudding and blackberry pie…”. This game reminded me of that, so I used the google to find out what roly-poly is. Turns out it’s actually a disgusting bug. My childhood was a lie.

Workers of all countries: Unite! The Red Star will never fall – it will soon rise to even greater heights thanks to the socialist regime of Comrade Obama. Death to fascism! Freedom to the people!

Civiballs… I think I caught that once in highschool from riding a tractor. Nothing a dose of antibiotics couldn’t take care of, though I still feel it a little bit on rainy days and Mondays.

Not to split hairs, but if the first zombie rampage was endless, can there really be a second one? I would assume the second rampage would just be an extension of the first one. It’s like if you have endless diarrhea – you can’t have another bout of endless diarrhea at the same time. It’s nonsense.

Oh sure, it might look like a Rubik’s Cube rip-off at first glance, but this game has nothing to do with a Rubik’s Cube… except for the colors… and the cube. In any event, I made it to level 16 of this surprisingly engaging game.

Drag your little dot friend to the safety of the grey square. But watch out for those blocks and sticks! They are cheeky, naughty little blocks and sticks and they will mess with you. They deserve nothing less than a good spanking, and had their parents had any sort of common sense they would have shown their behinds the hard side of a measuring stick long ago! Rant over!

This game seems almost impossible at first, but once you learn to use the shadow of the ball to help you position your tiles it gets pretty fun. Currently I hold the highscore of 3600, which makes me the Poom-Master, or ‘Poomaster’ for short. Hey, wait a minute…

Here is the eagerly anticipated summer-blockbuster game Bowman 2. Not that I’ve ever played Bowman 1, but I’m sure this one is miles ahead in both special effects and plot twists. Be sure to try ‘Bird Hunting’ mode; pretend they’re all pigeons and exterminate with extreme prejiduce!

This game is exciting! I got to stage 9 before I took one to the chest. Don’t expect to get as far as me though unless you have lived a hardened life on the street and dodged bullets in real life. I’ve taken a few to the chest in real life too and lived to tell about it. Calm down ladies, there’s plenty to go around, just send in an application.

A surprisingly addictive game that brings the Ping right back into Pong where it belongs. And I know that you can’t get more than 14 bounces. Because that would mean you are better than me. And that, my friends, is just. not. possible.

This game is a little like Gridlock. Except that there is no grid and no moving tiles. Instead we have lights, buttons, and irritating music. So nothing like Gridlock. That being said can someone tell me how to beat level 5? I need to finish that level or I’m going to have to chew off my mouse hand.

Another simple little flash game. The point of this one is to throw your knives directly into the girls face. And it’s pretty damn hard unl… hmmmmm? What? Well that’s what I said: throw the knives into the targets without hitting the girl in the face. Duh.

No, you’re sick.

Dig Your Own Grave would like to make it very clear that we feel suicide is no laughing matter. Unless a clown is committing suicide. Those big shoes are hilarious.

For the scores, enter a time of 04:35:853 as 4.35853.

If I built a castle and it looked even half as silly as some of these, I would construct a trebuchet using the bones of my wife, the tendons from my children, and the hide of my dog. I would launch my own body at the castle over and over until it was completely destroyed and any trace of the shame it brought to me was erased from existence.

I just don’t look at escape the room games the same way anymore. They all seem much too… heterosexual. Let’s just say that I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is more unicorn.

Now the way I was raised, the term “Eskimo” is not considered very politically correct. The preferred term is actually “Inuit”. And we all know what that means – it’s time for you to rise up and fight this injustice. And it’s time for me to see what’s on the Tivo.

Time to blend up some pig snouts and meat scraps! You’ve just started a new job as a hot dog vendor on the busy streets of New York, and the hungry customers are already beginning to line up. And don’t worry if a pigeon or rat falls into your hot dog mix – any real hot dog fan knows that’s just extra flavor.

I WAS IN THE POOL! I WAS IN THE POOL!!!

There is a common misconception that pandas are cute and cuddly, but a select few of us know the real truth: pandas are bastards. They’re only interested in three things: stealing, panda gangbangs, and sneezing. Shoot on sight I say!

Well here I was thinking this was a Halloween game, but turns out those aren’t piles of zombies – they’re piles of clones. I suck. Halloween is ruined.

If your first instinct when starting up this game was to hurl your monitor across the room and leap out of the nearest window, then give yourself a pat on the back. Remember kids, when it comes to bugs, it’s always better to kill yourself before they have the chance to kill you.

Merry Christmas fruitcakes! It’s time to wipe that sleep from your eyes and head on downstairs to check out your presents! If you can’t find any – don’t worry – it just means that everyone in the world you love probably hates you.

Well instead of 2008 being the year of playing with yourself, I think it’s definitely shaping up to be the year of physics puzzle games. So it turns out game developers aren’t perverts, they’re just gigantic nerds.

FINALLY. A way to kill the monkey.

Now not to get all nerdy on you, but I’m not sure if it counts as “short term” memory when you can spend as long as you want memorizing it. But anyways – if you can’t get to at least Level 3, you’ve probably got some sort of brain fungus.

The Monkey was originally planning on ruining your Christmas cheer by licking all your candy canes and pooping in your stocking, but instead he has chosen to make you suffer through 50 excruciating Christmas-themed Bloons levels.

Just like every other Warbears game I’ve played, I haven’t been able to make it out of the first room on this one. So you guys are just gonna have to tell me how it ends. I’m a busy man, and I’ve got places to go (the couch), and people to see (the stars of General Hospital).

If you have OCD, playing this game is the equivalent of eating a gasoline and match sandwich with a side of firecrackers. You will literally play this game until you’ve ruined Christmas.

I tried this game a couple weeks ago and it nearly put me to sleep, but apparently THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE INTERNET thinks it’s the bees knees. So now I’m in this bizarre situation where I have to consider that I might have actually been wrong. Let me know what you think – I’ve got my seppuku blade sharpened and ready to go.

If 2008 was The Year of Physics Puzzle Games, then 2009 is shaping up to be the… uh… hmmmm… The Year of Physics Puzzle Games. Damn you physics, damn you.

I don’t know what it is with these panda sniper games, but even though I know I’m not supposed to, the first thing I ALWAYS do is shoot the panda in the head. It’s like some sort of temporary mind control. And these aren’t the droids we’re looking for, move along. Wait, what?

By the end of 2009 you will still be unemployed and in debt, 10 pounds heavier, one year closer to death, and will still have never kissed a girl. But – you’ll be most excellent at stacking things.

Watch out fellow patriots, Comrade Obama is trying to foist communism on our great nation. Do not let him bespoil her supple fields of grain.

I was pretty torn up trying to decide who to link to in this post – The Real Life Shopping Cart Hero or my favorite Lil’ Jukebox Hero. And then it got me thinking… in a fight to the death, who would win?

For some reason the first totem in this game reminds me of RuBot. And for some reason Rubot reminds me that the end of humanity is nearly upon us. So go ahead and enjoy the game while I try and enjoy the last danish I will possibly ever eat before the machines come to solve my Rubik’s Cube and cut my limbs off.

I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got the monkey?

If my deep understanding of women has taught me one thing, it’s that women love guys with big trucks. And beer bellies. So play hard at this game, and start drinking cheap beer as soon as local law will allow.

Relieve your childhood dreams in this surrealistic art game. Now… not to split hairs, but my childhood dreams usually involved Transformers and GI Joe. Maybe they show up in the later levels?

Coign of Vantage (pronounced “Heeeeyoooo”), is a very innovative little game that tests your spatial perception. Spatial perception comes in handy for things like not killing cyclists while driving, and keeping your pee in the toilet while peeing. It’s practically one of my favorite perceptions.

This is another one of those situations where you have to wonder what all those involved thought would happen. (NSFW due to potty mouths.)

There’s been so much shooting and violence here lately that I thought it might be nice to play a game that’s just all about a little red ball, and drawing with a fat marker, and relaxing clunking sounds, and really really really awful music. Throw in a pork burrito and I’m pretty much in heaven.

Okay, everyone all together now:

NNNNNNNNNNnnn… BRAINNNNNNNnnns…

Bounce… bounce… bounce.. bounce.bounce. SPLODE. Bounce… bounce… bounce.. bounce.bounce.bounce. SPLODE. Bounce bounce bou-SPLODE. Booooounceeee…..? No, SPLODE.

Get used to it.

I’m glad I didn’t go to a school with school lunches, because these pictures of the lunch options from the Harrisonburg, Virginia school system, are truly disgusting.

Pro Hot Tip: Of all the things to possibly save money on for your wedding, make sure the cake isn’t one of them.

You are infamous Indestructotank pilot Dirk Danger. Included among your many missions for the day is no less than rescuing the President of the United States from kidnappers. But more important things first, let’s stop by City Hall and get that name changed!

So you thought you did well at Statetris? Well let’s see how you do a little farther from home, with Statetris: Europe Edition. For those of you that don’t know, Europe is a magical land, filled with nations smaller than Delaware and people that speak with silly accents.

From across the ocean and directly into your home, it’s Nodes, by Nodey McNodester. Sit back, relax, and enjoy. But don’t poop your pants!

I really wish this game was called Balls Revamped. I have an unlimited supply of jokes for games about balls (especially revamped balls), but with just one ball I’m totally lost.

It really sucks having only one ball…

You still wake up sometimes, don’t you? Wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the beans?

PS: Who is your favorite bean?

We’ve combined pooping with Tetris, and the results were pooperrific. Now it’s time to combine the United States of America with Tetris. And the results are… pooperrific?

It may not be Spy Hunter, but it does the job. And a giant man hug to whoever can figure out what the guy is saying in the game over music.

This guy was damned if he did, and damned if he didn’t, but in retrospect, reversing and destroying the crossing guard barrier would have been the better choice.

Oh noes! Some bad fuzzy bears have robbed a bank and taken hostages! You control a crack team of 4 special agent Warbears sent in to save the day. When you’re done you can just tell me what to do, because so far I’ve only been able to make the one bear blow up his bear buddy. And that, unfortunately, is not part of the mission.

Coincidentally, I have my very own set of real life “Indestructotanks”. I call them “my fists”. Get it? My fists. HULK ANGRY! ME SMASH!

Little-known-fact: among the less common (but still highly effective) ways to commit suicide is to play the online game ‘Red Team’ for more than 20 minutes consecutively. Death is caused when the subject’s brain, through a misguided act of self preservation, attempts to eject itself from the head by way of the nose, eyes, and mouth.

Boomshine is another great suggestion from our Forums. Turn up the soothing music, click the circles, and watch them s-plode. And remember, you can never actually lose in this game, you can only quit. You’re not a quitter are you?

I don’t think we do enough educational stuff on this site. Sure we have some fun, but in what way do you exercise your mental muscle by visiting Dig Your Own Grave? WELL THAT ALL CHANGES TODAY. It’s time to figure out some wordz and your gonna need to do sum spellinz and if you don’t you’re going to die a horrible, horrible, horrible death.

I think this game should have a second game mode where you get to play as the geek. In that version as soon as the cheater gets too close you get to shoot him in the face. Either that or start crying, which is what I used to do *cough* I mean, that’s what the geeks used to do when I cheated off them. Which I did all the time. I’m such a badass!

Put aside your feelings about mice and help this little rodent stuff his belly with mountains of delicious cheese! I’m just going to leave my highscore in the comments. If I wrote it right up here the demoralizing wave that would blast out of your computer when you read it would probably kill you.

Find all the differences in each scene or Bookend Kitty gets the taser. Bzzzzz Bzzzzz Bzzzzz. Look folks, I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.

This is one of those classic spot-the-difference games. I find it pretty hard. In fact, I’ve played it I don’t know how many times now and I haven’t won once. So if you can win at least one game then I guess you’re better than me. Although that would also make you nerdier and unsexier than me, so there. Pick your poison smarty pants.

I don’t know why, but this game is not nearly as easy as you’d think it would be. My brain just can’t seem to decide what it’s supposed to do. Red-to-red, blue-to-blue, blue-to-blue, red-to-blue, no! Ahhh! Madness!

YOU: Hey, this game is just like the last drunken beer balancing game you put up!
ME: Yes it is.
YOU: You’re an idiot! Your website sucks! You’re gay!

There, I saved you the trouble.

Move yer mouse left and right to help me keep me pint steady. TRY NOT TO SPILL ALL MY BLOODY BEER.

Now that’s pants!

Okay smarty pants, here is a grade 3 US geography game for you. I dare anyone to beat my high score of 22/48. That may not seem very good but keep in mind I’m a little drunk, and by ‘a little’ I mean ‘fantastically’. Also, my co-workers keep coming into my cubicle and distracting me so it’s hard to concentrate.

You people want another game? Well I want Lamborghini Gallardo, are you going to give me that? I didn’t think so. Well here’s your game anyways, jerks.

After seeing today’s game, you may find yourself asking, “How many Bloons games is too many Bloons games?”. However, the sophisticated among us will stick to more important questions like “should I not have eaten that?”, or “say, do you mind if I put that down my pants?”, and my personal favorite, “can I speak to my lawyer now?”

It’s tough for me to decide what I like better, Bejeweled clones, or Poppit clones. It’s kind of like trying to decide between death by fuzzy puppy kisses, or death by Brazilian supermodel kisses. It just depends on my mood.

hhheeeeeeeeeee’ssssss baaaaaaack…

As if Mondays weren’t bad enough already…

The Monkey is back. He laughs at your suffering.

Shift 3 is out! Now featuring Adventure Mode. Plus some groovy player packs! And a pack of Lime Jello! Plus a 3-way sprocket wrench! And a hooker!

Admin’s Corollary: Penguins are black and white. This game is black and white. Therefore, this game is a penguin.

Not since R.S.V.P – The Racial Segregation Party have I been so disgusted with a game. How many years has it taken us to overcome our prejudices? And then a little game like this comes along and tries to teach us that it does matter whether you’re black or white. Well shame on you game developers. SHAME ON YOU!

Some things are just so ridiculous that they command respect. Like for instance, this game, or the Hungarian Komondor.

You guys just go ahead and let me know if this game is any good or not. Call me old fashioned, but I don’t engage in any leisure activities inspired by the idea of balls being crushed.

I’ve got nothing folks. Here we have yet another game featuring a screen full of balls, but after all these years there is not a single joke left in the great Encyclopedia Balltanica. I am in desperate need of some new material! Maybe someone could create a game where you have to strangle chickens? Or punish a naughty monkey…

Physics + Balls = Edutainment.

Science has proven that even a Proboscis Monkey can spot the differences between these sets of pictures. You’re smarter than a crazy penis-nosed monkey, aren’t you?

Here is yet another games about balls. It’s creator goes by the name of Robin K. I just want to make sure you’re clear on this, since holding the #1 spot on the leaderboard will obviously make you the undisputed master of Robin K’s Balls.

In this gritty, emotionally charged game, you follow the life of a simple ball willing to sacrifice everything in pursuit of it’s vision of happiness. Even as it descends deeper into it’s own despair, the ball refuses to let go, plummeting with it’s dreams into a nightmarish, gut-wrenching freefall.

Take my advice, don’t even try this game. It hates you. It doesn’t care that you think it’s ugly and stupid. It thinks you’re uglier and stupider. It just told your grandmother that you don’t love her. It called your mom and told her you’re dead. It just ate the last Kit Kat. It didn’t flush the toilet. It is an evil older than time itself.

Rumor has it the creators of this game are on the run from the law. They’re being brought up against federal charges for having released a sproingy game without the inclusion of springy-sproingy sounds effects. It’s only a short jail term in the US, but they’re actually facing the death penalty in Singapore.

Simple enough. Spin around and collect the stars. Green is good, red is bad. It’s like Christmas in space! Without presents!

There’s an old saying, “When life gives you lemons, smash those *#$&%s into the ground with the largest club you can find. Fill the streets with their sour citrus blood until not a single one is left whole”. Or… something like that.

Can you solve the mysterious puzzle of Heady Steinberg? There’s a prize if you can! (The prize is hugs and cuddles.)

My favorite part of the game is the way he lies there shivering at the bottom of the stairs. Poor little fella… Somebody give that stickman a cuddle!

Following this link is a demonstration of what goes on in a person’s head while they’re playing a videogame (especially one with jumping puzzles). As such, it is essentially one endless string of profanities and the audio should not be considered safe-for-work. Please, play, and let the hilarity ensue.

Help the poor little boneless man avoid the metal spikes raining down from the sky! I was able to dodge 135. Coincidentally that is the same number of pushups I do every morning. Right before I head off to male supermodel school. Just some little facts I thought you might be interested in… *cough* ladies.

In the spring of 1999, the Family Learning Channel commissioned animator Don Hertzfeldt to produce promotional segments for their network. The cartoons were completed in five weeks. The Family Learning Channel rejected all of them upon review, and they were never aired…

I’ll tell you when the suffering will end. It ends when that monkey is lying face-down in a pool of his own blood.

In this game you have to try and save Sir Whitey McBlockster from a deadly pool of rising lava. It takes a combination of luck, strategy, and patience to do well, but with practice you can actually get some pretty high scores.

You’re not going to let me keep that gold, are you?

I told myself I was done with tower defense games, but along came that damn monkey and his balloons again. I swear he must have been a crack dealer in another life.

Good news, it’s time to finally put your civil engineering degree to use. Somebody needs you to build the tallest tower in the world, and they don’t care if you use the earthquake building codes as toilet paper. So what are you waiting for? Get off your duff and get into that crane!

Atom Juggler is like that old Juggler game, but in this one you get to juggle atoms. Just like those clown scientists you always see downtown. Anyways… don’t forget you can press pause during the game and buy powerups for your paddle!

God bless America.

Here are another 50 levels of Bloons, but this time they are created by the fans. I haven’t gotten that far, but some of these levels seem pretty ridonculous. I don’t know about you, but if I were making a Bloons level it would have 5 balloons, 20 darts, and you’d be able to kill that damn monkey.

Cover your mouth, because you’re about to yell “oh s***!”

Luminara is the by-product of Ellipsis and the classic arcade game Asteroids getting together and making sweet, sweet, videogame love. And it’s not gross, it’s a perfectly natural way for two videogames to show that they love each other.

I almost feel like I need to apologize for this post.

You young whipper snappers! You’re so spoiled by your fancy videogames these days. A real game doesn’t need more than 20 pixels on screen at any one time. And 4 colors is plenty! Any more than that and the developer is just compensating for an incredibly small penis.

Although this game is fantastically cool, I cannot help but think of how much cooler it would be if these talented game developers had made it about a pirate and not a ninja. Instead of lasers there would be cannonballs, and instead of all this silly jumping there would be swashbuckling. And there would also be ale, and a parrot, and eyepatches. I think I’ve made my point.

This is a very simple endurance game involving a bunch of balls. And now that we have that out of the way we can begin the mandatory ‘I love playing with balls’ comments in three, two, one… go!

Although the medicinal effects of popping balloons have never been scientifically proven, the South African Supahfa-izzle tribe have been using the technique for over a century. Critically ill tribe members are give a large pin and placed in an enclosure filled with giant, colorful balloons. And although the patients still die, at least they die smelling of balloons.

I’m not sure that this game is any good or not, but damned if it isn’t the most relaxing thing I’ve ever played. The sounds are really gentle, and even the enemies are all slow and laid back. They’re like, “Chill dude, we’re coming to get you, we’re just gonna grab some lunch first; haven’t eaten all day mon amigo!”

I like this game because it has three different game modes. And that means I can dominate all of you in three different ways using only a single game. It’s like triple-domination time, baby. Prepare to be dominated. Three times.

Arcade: 47 stars/71.70 secs, Countdown: 106 stars, Sprint: 18.43 secs

This is one of those games that the more I play, the worse I get. And that makes me want to play it more, which makes me suck at it even harder. It’s a vicious cycle, and it will end with me naked, crying, and possibly in the wrong apartment. 66.13 was my best, but that was many games ago…

Hell of Sand is yet another game with no point other than to waste time. It is also an oddly titled game. I would have called it Joy of Relaxing Sand. Make sure you experiment with all of the options at the bottom.

Wake up silly sleepy-heads! Charlie’s going to Candy Mountain, a land of sweets and joy and joyness. It’ll be an adventure!