This is awesome! Wait… we’re talking about the heroics of vertically dropping your pants in the symbolic act of rejecting conformity, correct?

Alright biology nerds, keep your pants on. Actually, you know what? Hold off on that. I think I’m going to need to evaluate each of you on a case-by-case basis. Please send over a recent picture, full body, good lighting, and I’ll get back to you by eod wednesday.

I thought this game was about chess. I brushed up on my Ruy Lopez and Réti openings, I made an eleven year old kid from Shenyang teach me Sicilian defense online, and I studied Byrne vs Fischer until my eyes were burning balls of pain begging for some Visine drops. Well tough noogies for me.

Escape the freezer, or make yourself a smoothie. Whatever floats your boat.

If you’ve ever been told that your talent for sitting in front of the computer and stuffing your face with Goldfish Crackers would get you nowhere in life, today is your day to prove the world wrong. It’s your time to shine chubby!

He’s climbin in your windows
He’s snatchin your people up
Hide your kids, hide your wife
Hide your kids, hide your wife

Combine delicious sushi, a fat, perfectly spherical cat and Plinko and you get Sushi Cat. Then when you’re done playing you can buy me an Asahi Super Lucky Cat. Just look at him, he’s off the wagon. Aww.

This game reminds me of a dream I had when I was 14. It involved me developing the ability to fly, Eddie Van Halen giving me his guitar, winning the lottery, and my Samantha Fox poster coming to life.

I am jealous of this little guy in the game. During his walk he encounters some cute birds, giraffes and windmills, while I am stuck with K-mart, crazy chain smoking lady yelling profanities at people passing by, and a genderless creature in a raincoat that smells like pee and asks me for a dollar. Life ain’t fair.

Really? Another zombie game? Well normally I would take this opportunity to leave a mighty poop in your shoe, but since this one also includes an awesome pixel dog with a chaingun I will simply wait until you are fast asleep and unleash a silent fart mere inches from your face. For I am Angry Husky, and I am not without mercy.

Normally the only roller coasters I ride are emotional ones, but I do see some parallels between this game and my weight fluctuations caused by the frequent Ben & Jerry’s binges.

Well it’s been over 4 months now, and STILL no one has bought me an Asahi Super Lucky Cat. I could start posting dressup games you know?

What do you get when you combine the philosophical stylings of Loved, the strategic elements of Hex Empire, and the graphical shine of Little Wheel? You get… not this.

If I could play god and reinvent the world from scratch I have to admit I wouldn’t do much differently. I would however forgo the giant armored sea spiders in favor of something a little more useful, like say a mix between a puppy and a vending machine.

Looks like the Hamburger Helper guy may have had an accident with the lawnmower again…

Having been in a coma myself a few times (I mentioned I was a Hollywood stunt man before becoming a surgeon, right?) I can verify 100% that this is exactly what a coma is like. Except there are usually less things to talk to and more giant earwigs. Comas suck.