Well, Fruitcakes – have the lambs stopped screaming?

I used to think that sweatshop referred to some sort of perverted store located in Tokyo. For all we know, it probably does- I’m sure that the Japanese have no respect for sweat.

He’s a coinbox hero, with lederhosen on his thighs
Gotta keep on hittin’, someday gonna make it to the top.

This is exactly what my stomach looks like on an ultrasound after one of my Friday night gummy bear binges.

I must be a descendant of a Viking – nothing else explains the fact that I like to wear a tunic, binge drink, and shout out proverbs that somehow incorporate both praises of tasty horse meat and threats of throwing weaklings off a cliff.

Admin: I hope Husky won’t react to this one, at least it’s a good zombie game.

Angry Husky: It’s a valid argument, so I promise you my poop will also be good. I know that for a fact because I ate a snake carcass with a rat carcass inside its belly. It was like a kinder surprise egg.

I don’t know if this game is any good, but as a demigod myself I am obligated to post any game that promotes Greek mythology.

Happy Halloween fruitcakes! And I don’t want to hear any complaints – it was either this or Zombie Attack!, Zombie Undead RPG or Zombie Dress Up. Incidentally, I’ve had to make a similar choice every day for the past couple of years now.

Welcome to the Town of Fears, home of the sinister Cottonball Man and rolling fields of horrifying pickles.

Angry Husky: The only rebuilding I’ll be doing today is to the backside of my jeggings. I blew them out when I dealt with Admin’s shoe for posting yet another zombie game. What? The image of a husky in jeggings disturbs you greatly? Tough noogies.

I like my supermodel girlfriends like I like my coat hangers: so thin they buckle under a heavy sweater, and light enough that my Pygmy servant Mbuti can throw them out if they get too belligerent.

Admin: Starting in 2011, game developers are (as it seems) contractually obligated to include zombies in Halloween games , so I’m just gonna take all my shoes and hide them in a mobile neutering clinic for the time being.

Angry Husky: That is harsh dude.

Seeing this kid walk around with an octopus on his head reminds me of Sunday evenings at my parent’s house when I was little. I could go ahead and elaborate on that, but I’m afraid it would ruin my reputation of a manly man who never cries and eats only what he wrestles away from grizzly bears.

It’s Friday fruitcakes! And we know what that means – time to put on your lederhosen, grab your trumpet, and chase the neighborhood cats up into trees. It’s your duty as a member of this community, and as a human being.

Speaking of hats and limb removal, if you ever heard an internet rumor about me wearing a hat made of Pygmy arms to an Oscar party I want you to know that is total nonsense. I believe the arms were from members of a Zulu tribe… or perhaps Bantu, but definitely not Pygmy.

Based on the amount of primal joy humans feel when smashing stacks of blocks, I fully expect my offspring to be playing Blosics 59 on some sort of holographic RFID controlled computablet in the foreseeable future.

Due to popular demand game posts will no longer contain attempts at humor, and will only describe the gameplay and occasionally incorporate reports on current water levels in Armenia.

So Obama wants to tax our souls now??? When will this stop!? Born Free, Taxed to Death! It’s time to bring family values back from Liberal perversions my people – take to the streets! Hmmmm? Just a game? Right, nevermind.

The first thing my dad taught me was to defend my nuts – right before he signed me up for illegal preschool cage fighting tournaments. I don’t blame the man, he had to support his Pokémon TCG addiction.

In Soviet Russia marathon runs *YOU*, then it makes you clean all the hair out of its shower drain and arrange its shoes by shades.

Some people consider randomly blowing up pregnant ladies and small children to be mass mayhem, but I don’t think that even comes close to when I smeared honey all over my body and crashed a bear party. I’ll let you interpret bear any way you like.

Coincidentally, “the infinite ocean” is also the term I use for my bladder after drinking a 7-Eleven Super Big Gulp.

I once ran my own “Marathon of Doom”. I was in west Oakland being chased by some kids who kept yelling something about crackers, my bowels were at DEFCON level 2 thanks to five fish tacos I just ate at El Pollo Loco, and my feet were covered in blisters from a Salsa dancing competition the day before. Worst day ever!

Thanks to this game I now owe my mom four grandkids within the next year, and I have to spend a romantic weekend in Poconos with my ladyboy neighbor.

We all know nobody wants to talk about the elephant in the room, though I can’t help but wonder if it would be different if he was carrying ten balloons, a teddy bear, and a couple of golden keys. I bet everyone would wanna talk about that guy.

Look, just because I own a villa in Aspen it doesn’t mean I know how to ski. I just got it so when I bring supermodels there they have a reason to wear those cute fuzzy boots.

If a week ago someone told me I would be smashing cute little turtles with a giant sledge hammer, I would have clenched my fists in rage and shown them that (rejected) poster I made for PETA where I’m lying naked with a porcupine covering my funny parts (ouch). But that was a week ago.

What comes to mind first when you hear the word flight? For me it’s all about consuming enough stiff drinks to convince myself that giant metal tubes really can fly, and to turn that embarrassing TSA pat-down into a memorable sexual experience.

When I was young I wanted to grow up to be just like the brilliant inventor Nikola Tesla. I partially succeeded – I am a paranoid germaphobe, with obsessive compulsive disorder and a fear of being touched by women. The only thing missing is the brilliance.

If you’re thinking about starting your own company, let me offer you some humble advice:

a) public interest in DIY liposuction kits is not as high as you would expect.
b) a 50% discount on used q-tips is apparently not tempting enough.

Sorry guys, Angry Husky couldn’t make it into the post today. He said he had to go to the Mexican Cantina down the street that was just closed by the health inspectors. He wants to eat all the old burritos out of their trash… I’m not sure why, he was mumbling something about shipping my booze into oblivion?

You say toe-may-toe, I say toe-mah-toe,
you fire catapults and I fire trebuchets.
Toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe, catapults, trebuchets,
let’s call the whole thing off!

Escape the freezer, or make yourself a smoothie. Whatever floats your boat.

If I could play god and reinvent the world from scratch I have to admit I wouldn’t do much differently. I would however forgo the giant armored sea spiders in favor of something a little more useful, like say a mix between a puppy and a vending machine.

Erect your mighty tower and spread forth your seed of destruction. Just make sure you don’t fire your full payload too early – that can be embarrassing!

(hee hee)

Ah, to be loved. I know the feeling well. Too well to be truthful. Sometimes it can feel a little suffocating being surrounded by so many people that love me so much. People like my mom, and… my cat, and uh… OH GOD I AM SO ALONE

Be sure and tell ‘em Large Marge sent ya! Ah ha ha ha ha

This reminds me of that time I couldn’t find an exit in the airport and I had to live there for a year. Luckily I made great friends with the airport staff and fell in love with a leggy Catherine Zeta-Jones. Or was that a Tom Hanks movie? Well either way, I still have my best friend Bubba and some exciting plans for a career in shrimping.

I bet you can’t wait to get your first upgrade can you? Because you love upgrades? No no no, because you like slapping men with your giant sausage. You perverts.

Silly game, everyone knows in Australia they’re not called sharks, they’re called wallamawimwams. Anyways, have a great weekend folks – and watch out for bees!

Once more you are being asked to protect a bunch of jittery citrus fruits from the the horrors of acid rain. Is it an innocent online game, or more global warming scare tactics from a liberal government whose only agenda is to convert America into a communist state populated by godless hippies? YOU DECIDE.

Steam Birds. Steamed birds? Perhaps a delicious steamed quail. Yes, I could go for that right now. Steamed quail and a Burgundian Pinot Noir to start the weekend off right! Jeeves!

(Jeeves is my butler)

You guys must wonder why I torture you with these educational games sometimes. I’ll be honest, I just kind of enjoy it. Not the game, I enjoy torturing you.

I feel bad for Shirley, like maybe I should invite her to a party or something. But she also seems like the type that accidentally farts when she laughs, and that’s just uncomfortable for everyone.

Repair your balloon and escape the Island before The Others find you, kill you, bury your body in a shallow grave, steal your identity and eventually kill Jacob.

Cause ima cowboy, on this neon-crotch-rocket iah ride, and I’m wanted (Richie Sambora: waaaaahned-ied) dead-or-alive.

Wreckin’ stuff – almost as satisfying as scaring cats.

Touch the Rainbow. Taste the Rainbow. Digest the Rainbow.

It’s like South Park, but without poop jokes, killing Kenny, transsexual teachers, hatred towards gingers and Canadians (especially Canadian gingers), anal probes, and limbs. So basically a physics puzzle with South Park faces.

All these squeals are just the same to me.

Remember that time you had Taco Bell and then had to find a bathroom really (really really) quickly? This game picks up where that fateful afternoon left off.

PS: Contains NSFW language. Lots of it.

This game reminds me of the hours days okay fine, weeks I flushed down the pooper playing Civ3 and Dice Wars. The desire for revenge I feel when territory is stolen from me immediately overrides all natural instincts to eat, bathe, blink, and feed the goldfish. Forgive me Bubbles and Lexus! FORGIVE ME!

Do you know what else I love? Papercuts. I love them.

Little known fact: I invented bridges in 1635.

Just remember… it’s never lupus.

We’ve all seen The Matrix, Terminator, Battlestar Galactica… so what, now we’re supposed to help the robots? Ha ha, no way! Nice try robots!

Today’s magical assemblage of interactive colored pixels complements 1066, a historical drama created by the UK’s Channel 4. Now start clickin’ on it ye rump-fed chicken!

Boom goes the dynamite.

aNY commNT leFT withoUT tHE proPR uSE OF MagnetiZR capitalizatiON wiLL BE promptLY deleTD. yOU haVE beEN warND!

(BonUS poinTS fOR leaviNG oUT soME E’s).

You know what else kills? Lots of stuff. Though apparently being bitten or crushed by reptiles does not.

Here’s another Ragdoll Cannon squeal for you. *squeals*

I didn’t get the name at first, but that little fella does look an awful lot like something that came out of my bellybutton a couple weeks ago. It could also wall-climb, but the similarities ended there. It had no eyes, no little legs, and definitely no soul. Nothing with a soul could do what that thing did to my pet hamster Steven.

If we’re going to have to endure any more physics puzzle games this year, they should at least involve some dead bodies.

Yesterday I got a special request from someone: “plese post something vilonte tomarrow admid so i can take out my anger and confusion”. Well let it be known thet wen admid is called to acshun, admid alweys delivrs.

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends.

In today’s game, Col- wait a second… is that a “u”? Son of a… looks like a Canadian got in here. Guys, if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times, you can’t just use spray – you also have to leave poison food traps so the worker Canadians carry the food back to the Canadian Queen. Otherwise she just keeps laying eggs and they never stop coming.

Better red than dead.

Orange you glad it’s a physics puzzle day?

NOTE: This has been a test of the Admin Emergency Broadcast System. If I ever write a post like this again, please assume that I have been kidnapped by Icelandic terrorists. Call 911 and use the code words “PANTLESS PANIC”.

Finally, a game perfectly suited for the youth of today. Although Oakland kids might have an unfair advantage.

Light-hearted online game, or insidious training tool for Icelandic terrorists? You decide.

This is not unlike a little game I play every morning called ‘Wake Up the Admin’. My particular version involves multiple alarm clocks hidden around the bedroom and typically ends in complete failure. Maybe I need to try something using planks of wood and physics puzzles?

I also hate drama, pants, cold fingers, and smelly towels.

Well I may not have achieved my primary goal for the week, or my secondary goal, but I did complete my lessor known 3rd goal of being a complete failure in everything I do. Mission accomplished! Ho-yeah.

Being a role model to young men around the world, I often get asked – Admin, how can I break the ice with girls? Well the answer is simple my young friends: always carry your favorite hand painted Dungeons & Dragons diecast character with you wherever you go. It’s a great conversation starter, and girls love a guy who’s got hobbies.

Destroy the other tribes so you can rule the jungle (until the Spanish come and take everything).

If this game was about falling puppies I would master it. I would play it until I could play it forever without letting a single adorable little puppy die. It is all I would do until the end of time. Kittens… meh.

Workers of all countries: Unite! The Red Star will never fall – it will soon rise to even greater heights thanks to the socialist regime of Comrade Obama. Death to fascism! Freedom to the people!

In the U.S. military, fragging refers to the act of attacking a superior officer with a fragmentation grenade. The term originated in the Vietnam War and was most commonly used to mean assassination of an unpopular officer of one’s own fighting unit. [from Wikipedia]

It’s time to dust off your copy of Hagakure and put that warrior spirit to good use. There’s a plague of evil wannabe samurais loose in the fields, and they need their bodies separated from their heads – post haste!

I was going to post a quote from Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, but I remembered last time I did that everyone thought I was getting married in two days.

PS: There’s a bug with highscore submission: If you’re playing more than once, refresh the page each time you play if you want your scores to submit.

If I built a castle and it looked even half as silly as some of these, I would construct a trebuchet using the bones of my wife, the tendons from my children, and the hide of my dog. I would launch my own body at the castle over and over until it was completely destroyed and any trace of the shame it brought to me was erased from existence.