Crank
Stay down
Shoulder! Chin! Shoulder shoulder shoulder!
Double dream hands

Creative kill chamber? Oh really. Where is a juicy liver I can eat with fava beans and a nice Chianti? Where is the chubby girl who puts the lotion in the basket or else she gets the hose again? Where is the rusty saw I can use to cut off my own foot and escape to freedom? It’s time to put the creative back in our kill chambers people!

My ultimate life goal is to fall asleep on a comfy couch and never wake up. Don’t worry, I would still administer the site activity with a modified sip ‘n’ puff control system. Just don’t be alarmed if every now and then you see something weird in the post intros. Wait, someone’s at the door… oh hi Queen Elisabeth – wow, you look awesome in that gimp suit!

Sweet mother of mercy all I want to do is ride a damn pig.

It wouldn’t be so bad if it was the one with Megan Fox and the butterscotch pudding.

Having been in a coma myself a few times (I mentioned I was a Hollywood stunt man before becoming a surgeon, right?) I can verify 100% that this is exactly what a coma is like. Except there are usually less things to talk to and more giant earwigs. Comas suck.

I am jealous of this little guy in the game. During his walk he encounters some cute birds, giraffes and windmills, while I am stuck with K-mart, crazy chain smoking lady yelling profanities at people passing by, and a genderless creature in a raincoat that smells like pee and asks me for a dollar. Life ain’t fair.

And today we have the classic tale of Goldilocks and the Seven Wolves, retold as a beautiful spot-the-difference game. Will Goldilocks escape the rabbit hole, or will the temptations of the giant gingerbread house be too much to resist?

Admit it, you’ve always wanted to punch a robot duck in a top hat. And as always, I provide. Yet for some reason I’ve never received a single gift basket in return…

*hint hint*

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to be a blind man with bat powers, you have 3 choices: 1) watch this video, 2) play today’s game, or 3) stare at the sun until you go blind and hope you have bat powers.

Out of respect for our English users, I decided to find a game today that didn’t use any of the color Green. And then I remembered that I’m kind of mean, so I switched to trying to find a game with as much Green in it as possible. And then I named the post Green even though the game is called Heir.

Listen up Canadians. Thanks to Canuck Ambassador Vaxas, it’s now out in the open that all Americans have HIV. Based on this revelation I want to formally offer you our surrender on behalf of the United States of America. (But I’m still keeping my favorite shirt).

Do you know what else I love? Papercuts. I love them.

Here’s another game. This one is a little easier to figure out and it only has two objectives: 1) throw the cards into the hat, 2) don’t die of boredom.

I like to think of myself as a pretty smart guy, but I cannot get past level two of this ‘kids game’. Some guy has apparently gotten to level 30, which isn’t too hard to believe if you also believe in unicorns and monsters made of cheesecake.

Hell of Sand is yet another game with no point other than to waste time. It is also an oddly titled game. I would have called it Joy of Relaxing Sand. Make sure you experiment with all of the options at the bottom.

‘Where’s Waldo?’ books were the perfect answer to a parent’s suggestion that you weren’t reading enough, and now he’s back with an online game to advertise his new book. (Tip: After you’ve found Waldo twice, and all the items, go into your Flash player settings and delete all the information stored by whereswaldo.com, then refresh the page and Waldo will likely be hiding in a different spot.)

Who would have thought a puzzle without the picture could be so… time consuming. But if you finish past level 10 alien technology from the future will transport you to a land of sweets and joy and joyness. It’s awesome. Trust me.

Quite possibly the greatest game in the history of mankind. And probably the only game in the history of eternity to feature a ‘Critical Slap’.

There’s an old saying, “When life gives you lemons, smash those *#$&%s into the ground with the largest club you can find. Fill the streets with their sour citrus blood until not a single one is left whole”. Or… something like that.

The story is that people enjoy playing Guitar Hero because it makes them feel like they can actually play the guitar. So does that mean that people enjoy playing this game because it makes them feel like their parents actually love them enough to buy them Guitar Hero?

YESSSSSssssss…

It’s like a tower defense game, but it’s not a tower defense game. But it’s tower defense. I can’t explain! It’s madness!

Whenever I find myself in a room with a dead hooker *cough* I mean girl, I follow these three simple steps my dad taught me: “Stop, Drop, and Roll”. That stands for: stop what you were doing, drop everything, and roll on outta there.

Dear Notebook, today at school we learned how 2 make a lvl 10 lighting bolt spell. Boooooooooring. But Notebook, Stephen Watson actually came up and talked to me!!!!!!!! To me Notebook!! But then that stupid B-I-T-C-you-know-what Melony came up and started flirting with him right in front of me! I HATE HER SO MUCH NOTEBOOK!!!!!!

I didn’t get the name at first, but that little fella does look an awful lot like something that came out of my bellybutton a couple weeks ago. It could also wall-climb, but the similarities ended there. It had no eyes, no little legs, and definitely no soul. Nothing with a soul could do what that thing did to my pet hamster Steven.

In today’s game, Col- wait a second… is that a “u”? Son of a… looks like a Canadian got in here. Guys, if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times, you can’t just use spray – you also have to leave poison food traps so the worker Canadians carry the food back to the Canadian Queen. Otherwise she just keeps laying eggs and they never stop coming.