I was actually thinking the other day that a penguin would make the perfect pet – if it wasn’t for the constant pooping. You could bring him in the bath, he wouldn’t take much room on the bed, I bet he’d love watching tv and sharing popcorn… It really is a shame about the pooping.

Bonus points for anyone who knows what I named the achievements after – without using a search engine. And without sacrificing their heterosexuality, which might be impossible. (That was a clue).

PS: You submit your score in the stats menu.

I’d like to order a fat slice of love. Double cheese and extra-saucy please.

Can you help the boxmen save the universe from the evil Boxlor? Arm yourself with the Boxinating Phasor Cannon and fight through hordes of… boxes. Look, I’m going to be honest I have not played this game. There was a Hills marathon on last night.

In this challenging puzzle game you find yourself as a lowly chef on the famous pirate ship The Queen Anne’s Revenge. You must construct the most nourishing and efficient mid-day meals for your dangerous and hungry crew. Will it be the succulent Scurvy Soup or a steaming slice of Bilge Rat Pie? Don’t overspend your resources or – dangit, I misread the title again didn’t I?

And by “lawn” I mean the 3 foot radius around my computer. And by “get off” I mean just take a step back so you’re not in my personal space, but please stay and talk to me because I’m lonely. So very very lonely.

What kinds of things would you put in a super briefcase do you think? Not just boring old papers. I imagine it would be filled with gold bullion, East German pickles, futuristic weapons, and one of those Swiss Army Knives that has like a HUNDRED things in it.

If real life were just like the world of the Hungry Shapes, I would be a big fat square and as red as a lobster with a sunburn. Because I loooooooove me some hamburgers.

Not since Nintendo’s 1983 hit Elevator Action have I seen so much exciting elevator action in a game. And bleeding ghosts.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy fairybug runestone thing.

One of the oldest and most popular games on Dig Your Own Grave is Cubefield. It’s so simple a two-fingered monkey could play it, but at the same time it’s so fun that you will spontaneously burst into tears of joy while playing it. And, we’ve just set it up with our new High Scores system, so you might want to check that all out before you officially become the lamest lame-o on the block.

You might think that because this game is called ‘Red’ that it has something to do with Communism. And you would be absolutely right. I base that statement on nothing other than extreme paranoia and what some have called a ‘wild, dangerous’ imagination. Use your breast-shaped turret to blast those commie rocks back into the potato fields of Mother Russia. Freedom and Democracy are counting on you!

I wasn’t too good at this game until I started to imagine it as a simulation of corporate America. Just pretend those big fat fish are rich sweaty executives looking to bite into your youthful flesh and suck all the life and motivation out of you just to feed their giant money making machines for one extra day. Am I bitter? No, I’m not bitter.

We’ve all seen The Matrix, Terminator, Battlestar Galactica… so what, now we’re supposed to help the robots? Ha ha, no way! Nice try robots!

I often dream I am falling, and wake up having fallen from the bed. Psychology tells me this is due to deep seated insecurities, but I say it’s because I sleep on a coffee table covered in baby oil.

For some reason my towers always end up looking the same.

Personally I was hoping to evolve an extra eyeball or maybe a second head, but I guess a monocle is pretty cool too. Chicks love monocles.

The victory of the Mushroom Revolution will be a tangible demonstration before all the Americas that mushrooms are capable of rising up, that they can rise up by themselves right under the very fangs of the monster. It will mean the beginning of the end of colonial domination in America, that is, the definitive beginning of the end for North American imperialism.

Now the way I was raised, the term “Eskimo” is not considered very politically correct. The preferred term is actually “Inuit”. And we all know what that means – it’s time for you to rise up and fight this injustice. And it’s time for me to see what’s on the Tivo.

I had my own real life ultimate crab battle once. Actually it wasn’t that bad, you just get this special shampoo and it clears it right up.

Electricity is all sorts of useful. For instance, electricity is used to power snowmobiles, to make cars move (but not hybrids), and without electricity there would be no plants or animals. Think of how quiet and lonely the world would be without electricity! It would just be us and the robots.

Not satisfied with their growing crime syndicate of denim thievery, rogue pandas are now branching into space travel to continue their illicit activities outside the watchful eye of the law.

Remember that time you had Taco Bell and then had to find a bathroom really (really really) quickly? This game picks up where that fateful afternoon left off.

PS: Contains NSFW language. Lots of it.

Bowja’s back. Bow Chicka Bow Wow.

The term “Nevermore” was made famous by Edgar Allan Poe’s 1845 poem, The Raven. For those of you that haven’t read it, I will summarize: talking raven, nevermore, lots of quothing, a little quathing, nevermore, a chick named Lenore, and nevermore.

Civiballs… I think I caught that once in highschool from riding a tractor. Nothing a dose of antibiotics couldn’t take care of, though I still feel it a little bit on rainy days and Mondays.

I’ll be honest with you, I had a lot of reservations posting this game knowing that we’ll have to listen to looc ask us to touch his meebles for the next two weeks. But ultimately justice prevailed.

Meeblings = Justice

I have no idea how to submit scores in this game and that giant hand looks way too much like a spider for me to want to stick around and figure it out. You’re on your own kids! I’m off to get a burrito and a Thai massage. Okay, maybe just a burrito.

Can you solve the mysterious puzzle of Heady Steinberg? There’s a prize if you can! (The prize is hugs and cuddles.)

Ever since discovering the 3D greatness that is Vector Runner, I realize you must regard any game with the term 3D in it’s title with great skepticism. However I can assure you that this game does involve a well rendered three dimensional cube, and the last version was pretty cool so you should at least give it a chance.

You may remember this game from such games as “The Game I Posted Yesterday That Didn’t Work”, or perhaps the classic series “Broken Games I Posted Yesterday”. I would also like to take this opportunity to point out that everyone makes mistakes, and that a glass of vodka looks an awful lot like a glass of water, especially when you’re already drunk.

Some people need a trained eagle and a magic sword to bring justice to evil doers. Personally I think all you need is a coat rack and one of those oily one-legged city pigeons.

The not-so-Ambiguously Gay Duo from the land of Fredricus are back! Reemus and his furry friend (or friend the Furry?) need to find a king, or a princess, or something like that (although I think his priority should be a shirt). Anyways, don’t worry about it, just click stuff. Clickity click, Barba trick.

After their journey to the Royal Palace to meet the King, Reemus and Liam rewarded themselves with a weekend spa and deep chemical peeling. Their pores never felt cleaner and tighter, but the bliss would soon come to and end – trouble was lurking not far away…

I’m not going to go into details, but the last time I experienced a giant diamond being tossed into the ocean under a beautiful sunset was my famous botched wedding proposal of 1997. Note to self: next time try waiting for the restraining order to expire before proposing.

Little known fact: I invented bridges in 1635.

Dig Your Own Grave would like to make it very clear that we feel suicide is no laughing matter. Unless a clown is committing suicide. Those big shoes are hilarious.

For the scores, enter a time of 04:35:853 as 4.35853.

I recently had a conversation with my brother about food poisoning, and like many brothers before us we came to a deadlock on the age old question – which is worse, explosive diarrhea or vomiting? Thankfully we can now solve this problem scientifically using a poll.

I wasn’t in the Chess Club at school, so I don’t really know too much about the game. Back then I based all my extra curricular activities around where the chicks were at – namely the Math Club. Hello, woman of my dreams.

I wasn’t very good at this game at first, but then I just made believe the city was Oakland. Submit your score in millions (ie: if you score 23,567 million, enter your score as 23567).

There is a valuable lesson to be learned from this game – the next time you lose your keys, find the nearest penguin and drop kick it.

With a title like that, this game needs no description.

After all the color blinders complaining about games they can’t play because they’re color blind (wa wa wa), I’ve decided to post a game perfectly suited to their vile disease. (And the game isn’t broken – you just have to choose your country from the list in the bottom before playing.)

I feel a little bad posting this game, since it’s such a screaming clone of Winterbells, but I love the gameplay and this version has leaderboards we can use. But at least the guy came up with an original theme – bloons and a monkey. Oh, wait…

I would like to dedicate today’s game to my nose, and to anyone else who is suffering from seasonal allergies. See you on Monday, if I haven’t drowned in my own mucus by then.

Tired of boring, predictable games? Has the same-old-same-old got you down? Well rejoice, for the next Dig Your Own Grave exclusive has arrived! I am so here for you fruitcakes. I am your pusher. I am your fat sweaty sugar daddy. I am the cushion for your pushin. I… might have crossed the line with that last one.

The full title wouldn’t fit so I had to abbreviate it.