Dog: Why is this guy such a jerk?

It shames me to admit this, but I think I’m beginning to understand furries.

What do you think was on the other end of that telephone connection?

This video could also be called “Life Without Hands is Hard”.

I’m not sure what’s so strange about this video – it happens to me quite often. Momma always said that my head being bigger than my pelvis just means I’m extra special.

Marc Ornstein does something I guarantee you have never thought about watching or doing before.

Just when you thought nothing could ever make you feel as motorically challenged as QWOP, they decided to make GIRP.

I used to have a problem with flabby physics until I decided to click on one of the suspicious looking links in my spam folder. Now the aforementioned problem is fixed, but I think I’m growing breasts on my back.

Crabs fill me with the same terror as spiders.

Now I understand why I had to tranquilize all those sheep.

No, not vibrators. I’m disappointed too.

Sometimes something is so wrong it’s… still wrong. I lasted about a minute.

That is one annoying dove, and one very patient cat.

Japanese dental students can now learn the fine art of instilling fear in their patients by practicing on robots.

How do you differentiate your product in the already saturated market of stain and odor removers? Yeah, this’ll do it.

Finally, a shampoo prank that won’t result in a restraining order.

Wait for it…

Seems like an awful lot of effort just to eat some candy.

I feel like if my dog was a ninja there would be a lot less of cutting fruit off trees and a lot more of eating cigarette butts and dead frogs, and voracious stuffed animal humping. So basically not much would change except he’d be more quiet and efficient at it.

The meerkats in this commercial must have the same disorder as Spudgy the Pomeranian. Come to think of it, I think my next door neighbour also has this problem. That, or alcoholism.

Spudgy is a lovable, fuzzy Pomeranian who just can’t seem to stay awake. Aww.

Remember that Dove Evolution commercial? Well… some people with far more intelligence and free time than I will ever have, went and made a clever little parody. And in appreciation of all their hard work I will now burp or possibly pass wind, whichever comes first.

This game brings back such fond holiday memories for me. Every Christams me and my dad used to play a real-life game that was very similar to Sober Santa. My dad would be Santa, only without the santa costume or white beard, and instead of picking up presents he would throw potted plants at me and call me “fairygirl”.

It looks like Banana Guard has some competition in the banana case that looks remarkably like something that gets inserted in to something else market.

If Mr. T had cybersex with Mr. Potato Head (while poor heartbroken Mrs. Potato Head sobbed in the bedroom), this would be the result. Mr. T looks really good as some kind of black Italian foreman, but I wish there were more items to play with.

Amir Massoud Tofangsazan allegedly sold his broken laptop on eBay, neglecting to inform the buyer that it was broken. Unfortunately for him, the buyer found many embarrassing pictures of, and apparently taken by, Amir on the laptop’s still functioning hard drive, and of course he posted them on the internet for everyone to see.

I recommend reading the penguin one last. Most of the others are so bizarre and grossly disturbing that you’ll need the cute little penguin story to make you feel like living again. And remind me never to get reincarnated as an Anglerfish. Mercy me…

It’s the wink at the end that kills me.

Let no one say that Jesus is ever a selfish lover!

And it’s not that golden owl from Clash of the Titans.

And this “adult” Wii game from Ubisoft killed them.

Now I want to play some Street Fighter II and eat some fried chicken.

First there was drugged up David, then the stoned brother and sister duo, and now it’s 14 minutes of an incredibly high, incredibly confused Canadian girl.

This is the guiltiest looking dog you’ll ever see.

Now we know three people who don’t have a future in broadcasting.

Thank goodness 2D games came before 3D ones.

Of course without the music all you would hear is obsessive scratching.

This awesome slide almost makes me wish it was still winter. Almost.

Recently I became a Pastafarian because their heaven has a Stripper Factory AND a Beer Volcano! Unfortunately the state of Kansas School Board is trying to discriminate against us.

Until this video I didn’t even know what a slow loris was.

That’s a very nice jig, Stalin. Now isn’t dancing much more fun than genocide?

So cute you could just club it to death.

Sure she’s cute now, but in 20 years it will all be uncontrollable back scratching, lesbian fantasies, and daydreams of murder.

Believe it or not, there are people who haven’t heard of Sushi Cat. I learned this lesson the hard way, and I’ll generously share the story with you. When you go to a sushi restaurant for an important business lunch, do not:
1) yell SUSHI FRENZY! when the order arrives and manically start stuffing your face.
2) unbutton your pants and announce FULL BELLY ACHIEVED when you’re done.

This Big Bird eats children and sustains itself with their precious dreams.

Okay, so maybe it’s trying to eat and failing, but still… cute!

It’s not so much a wheel as it is a tree. It is also the glorious creation of a modern day mad scientist.

If there were land octopuses we’d all be dead. Dead I tell you!

I have to tell you that the hero in today’s game bears a striking resemblance to a certain webmaster whom you all know and love. And not just in physical appearance – I also have a collection of fine hats, I can never find my way out of my building, and I am most certainly far too handsome to die.

I’d give anything to kill someone again… uh I mean to see this and the Conan the Barbarian Musical.

I don’t want anybody else,
And when I think about you I touch myself.
Ooh, oooh, oooooh, aaaaaah

Why can’t we have nice things?

This gigantic gummy worm comes in five flavor combinations, is 26 inches long, weighs three pounds, contains 4000 calories and is only $27.95. Just don’t eat it all at once… because you’ll probably die.

Cats: Getting confused for science.

Not only does it look awesome, but it also transforms in to one of my favorite things.

I have no idea what’s going on over in Europe.

For some reason playing this game makes me want to spin in circles naked, then collapse on the couch exhausted and inspect my private parts before I start chewing on the pillows. So basically my average day.

Before this he was headed to a disappointing life full of drug addiction and alcoholism.

Snickers!

This game reminds me of the hours days okay fine, weeks I flushed down the pooper playing Civ3 and Dice Wars. The desire for revenge I feel when territory is stolen from me immediately overrides all natural instincts to eat, bathe, blink, and feed the goldfish. Forgive me Bubbles and Lexus! FORGIVE ME!

Without any false modesty, I’m going to admit I consider myself somewhat of an internet harmony keeper: with my awesomeness I balance out all the junk content out there, and like a godly figure/superhero I watch over all of you. I’m also very lonely and cry myself to sleep every night – UH OH I THINK THE PILLS ARE WEARING OFF

Last time I did a quick switch it didn’t go that well: I ended up holding something called Nancy, she was sporting almost a full handlebar mustache, a wart the size of a penny, and had tunafish breath. Wait, we’re talking about swinging right? And by swinging of course I mean dancing to swing music.

Nope, that doesn’t look at all like a penis.

Erect your mighty tower and spread forth your seed of destruction. Just make sure you don’t fire your full payload too early – that can be embarrassing!

(hee hee)

I wanna be the very best
Like no one ever was
To catch them is my real test
To train them is my cause

Arble garble garble, I am ANGRY.

I am so getting myself one of those toaster cars.

OMG it’s an owl. *squee*

Apparently the ocean has horrifying sea spiders now.

If I could play god and reinvent the world from scratch I have to admit I wouldn’t do much differently. I would however forgo the giant armored sea spiders in favor of something a little more useful, like say a mix between a puppy and a vending machine.

It wouldn’t be so bad if it was the one with Megan Fox and the butterscotch pudding.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??? *sobbing*

Now that’s what I’d call a watermelon facial.

If a week ago someone told me I would be smashing cute little turtles with a giant sledge hammer, I would have clenched my fists in rage and shown them that (rejected) poster I made for PETA where I’m lying naked with a porcupine covering my funny parts (ouch). But that was a week ago.

Honestly, does it get cuter than this?

I have a lump of guilt burdening my stomach like a Big Texan Free 72oz. Steak. You see, I had a Tamagotchi once – I raised him from an egg, named him Boris and every night before I fell asleep I’d feed him and tell him all my secrets. Then a girl named Tiffany asked if she could borrow him and my hormones said “yes”. I’m so sorry Boris…

cynnicysm has been plagued with death threats ever since he discovered, and subsequently hoarded the nation’s supply of giant Nutella jars. Thankfully Amazon has averted his kidnapping and murder by a mysterious pantsless man, and now everyone can have enough Nutella to smother a large cat.

And in continuation of DYOG Dental Day 2010 – the sequel of sorts to the video of the little boy high out of his mind after a trip to the dentist.

If tickling camels is wrong, man, I don’t want to be right.

Look, just because I own a villa in Aspen it doesn’t mean I know how to ski. I just got it so when I bring supermodels there they have a reason to wear those cute fuzzy boots.

Fox 5′s Jodi Applegate was watching the The Neistat Brothers demonstrate how easy it is to steal a bicycle when something went terribly “wrong”…

Well another weekend is upon us, thank goodness. I thought we could kick it off with a little lavomiting. Hmmmmm? What is lavomiting? Well it’s when you laugh and vomit at the same time silly.

It’s no secret that I like to rag on the Japanese. It’s not because I’m racist, I just think they’re all totally crazy. But I wonder what the Japanese think of us? What better way to find out than by investigating the phrases they think are the most important to learn before coming to the United States of Fantastica. And our good friend Ortchel has found just the video! Uh… exercise video.

I’m not sure whether it’s the degree to which they got lost, or their Columbus-like drive to find their hotel at all costs, which makes this story special.

Well you have to hand it to the Japanese. They may be weird, but they sure know how to come up with original game ideas. And awkward toilets. And poodle-human exercise videos. And eyelid glue. And creepy cartoon pornography. Oh I could go on and on and on…

One step up on the neo-retro evolutionary scale from Dot Action 2!, comes the pixelriffic Gamma Bros. A story of two brothers and… I’m not sure actually, seeing as there’s no story. Let’s just say they’re looking for their lost parents. Space parents. And there’s an evil villain. Probably a giant space cat.

I was shocked to hear that some people were a little offended by yesterday’s donkey-dung kicking game. To those that were offended I humbly offer you my apologies, and also an alternate game for you to play that has nothing to do with pooping or farting. It is called ‘Fart Fart’ and it is about farting.

Wake up everyone! It’s time to get your squishy lazy brains back into shape with a soothing math game. I know that ‘math’ and ‘soothing’ don’t exactly sound exciting, but if you don’t do well at this game those blue circles will literally crawl out of the screen and eat your face. I’m not kidding!

Life is hard. It is no wonder people turn to religion in the face of so many unanswered questions. Questions like, what is the deal with this cartoon? And where did it come from? And why do I love it so much?

Continuing the tribute to The Muppet Show, which was apparently the most entertaining variety show ever, I present to you those pink guys that sing that catchy song. Do do do do

A family in Argentina have been taking pictures of themselves on June 17th every year since 1976, creating a fascinating look at the aging process. They were lucky, because unlike my family they completely missed out on the giant-clown-glasses phase of the 80s.

He’s got the heart of a champion!

When I was in Harvard
I smoked weed everyday
I cheated every test
I snorted all the yay

Just what the title says folks. Pretty sweet. And while your Simpsons juices are flowing, why not revist the endlessly fun Simpsomaker?

Who’s a kitty-cat? Who likes to dance dance dance?

Fantastic? Fantastic!

NASA scientists, no doubt in a down period between shuttle explosions, give spiders various drugs and take photographs of the resulting webs. There’s a prize for guessing which drug results in the most dysfunctional web! (The prize is love.)

If you have been in a coma for the past few years, you may have missed the Badger Song when it first appeared on the internet. If that is the case, I have come to your rescue like the great hero I am!
Badge badger badger
Mushroom mushroom!

Most of us know that Japanese people are crazy (proof, more proof), but did you know that their hamsters are also crazy? A little known fact.

If anyone is thinking of taking a little junket over to Japan anytime soon, here is a brief article on how to take a crap in their toilets. It is super-cool. Oh wait, I mean super-horrifying.

This charming music video about courtship is most definitely NSFW (not safe for work), unless of course you have headphones and your coworkers enjoy nipple tassels.

A great article on how to handle yourself when the unthinkable, yet inevitable, happens.

Don’t CafePress a pin that says, “Ask me about my roommate’s penis.” You know, just use common sense.

There is a new(?) cartoon on Adult Swim called ‘Perfect Hair Forever’. I’m not going to pretend to know much about it, but it involves a balding teenager on a quest to get perfect hair. He hangs out with a tree, a tornado, and I think a floating hotdog. And people are trying to kill them. And it is C-R-A-Z-Y. Here’s a clip.

Who will win this spectacular battle of wills? Watch and find out.

Whose head will explode from watching this video one billion times in a row? Me. Already happened.

Creationists are idiots, but they do have a theme park in the Florida Panhandle. For those unfamiliar with the geography, the FL panhandle is part of what’s known as “The Redneck Riviera”.

What will you find there? A couple of crappy rides, a “science center”, a gift shop and plenty of attitude. Actually, I imagine the gift shop alone is worth the visit. Where else will you find fossil evidence that man & dinosaur walked the planet together – like in The Flinstones.

Well it’s back to work week. If you’re anything like me (and unless you’re a well-endowed male supermodel with genius level IQ you’re nothing like me), then you feel pretty rotten about it. I found this video which demonstrates EXACTLY the way I dragged myself to work this morning. Except that I’m not a polar bear.

Remember the Man Dies Having Horse Sex story? This followup article discusses how it was the most read story on the Seattle Times online last year. It also sheds a little light on how Mr. Horse Humper actually died. Turns out it was a ‘perforated colon’. I’m just going to leave you with that. Have a great day.

Queen Latifah’s Excedrin commercial from SNL. I can relate to it because I am also part of a racial minority. And that racial minority would be the race of sexy superhuman superheros.

…and just about everything else for that matter. I would have expected it to cost more. And be shinier.

#10: Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

A short clip of an ILM screen test from the upcoming Transformers movie has leaked out onto daddy Internet. And I have to tell you that it is sweeter than a sweet slice of sweetness on a sweet summers day. And that is if you don’t like Transformers.

This site features a collection of absurd, but real, US patents. I think my favorite is The Toilet Snorkel. Hmmmm? Yes, The Toilet Snorkel.

Here is a funny little commercial from our French friends the French. Someone needs to stuff that kid’s mouth full of freedom fries and send him off to war. Then we’ll see if he still wants to kick a fit over a bag of bon-bons.

Several kids with steaks attached to their heads insert their heads into a “lizard arena” where a giant lizard is encouraged to “menace” them. The lizard is reluctant at first then goes berserk! Hilarity ensues.

This story is kinda old, but I’m sure there’s a few people out there who haven’t seen it. And the pictures are enough to make grown men coddle their computer monitors and coo like babies, and that sort of power should not be kept under wraps.

Thank god American babies aren’t made like that. Gross.

If I could perform this magic trick I would use it for one purpose only: scaring small children. That girl DOES deserve a gold medal.

If you’ve ever fake tied your shoes because you were worried that the woman in front of you thought you were following her, then this short film’s for you! (I know I’ve done it more than once.)

It’s a good thing he plugged his nose. I hate getting concrete up my nose. It burns! (animated gif)

Now officially available: the illusion that made baby jesus cry. Those bean-like things are moving so much I want to slap them, but they’re actually not moving at all. Seriously.

A funny little animated gif of a guy smashing himself to bits and pieces at his computer.

A funny Travelocity commercial from the those stogitty old pipe-smoking blokes the British. Pip-pip, go on and watch it now my good man!

His name is Marvin Caribou, he’s the new Antoine Dodson, and he likes to living on the street and doing drugs.

Draw a sketch, submit it, and have some random person’s sketch sent back to you. It’s pretty fun! And because the submitted sketches are moderated you don’t get sketches of penises, boobs, or ‘FaCKs YOUz LoOS3R’s like you would expect from your fellow ‘humans’ on the internet.

The Partnership for a Drug-Free America has put together a disturbing little site featuring “before and after” shots of meth-heads. If you’ve ever wanted to try meth, you should probably have a look at this link. And if you’ve ever wanted your face to be covered in strange disgusting scabs, then you should probably try meth.

I don’t know why, but this game is not nearly as easy as you’d think it would be. My brain just can’t seem to decide what it’s supposed to do. Red-to-red, blue-to-blue, blue-to-blue, red-to-blue, no! Ahhh! Madness!

When I heard the Iranians were renaming danish pastries “Roses of the Prophet Mohammed”, I thought it was pretty silly. But then I figured it’s probably a better way to express your anger than violent, deadly riots. And then I remembered the whole ‘freedom fries’ thing, so I guess pretty much all humans are idiots except me. And you guys. I love you guys.

These are fake cat paws with claws that can be controlled by a small switch hidden in the “handle”. Probably best to purchase two. And while you’re visiting the site, why not pick up some USB dog flash memory?

Even though everyone agreed TheMillionDollarHomepage was a brilliant idea that could only be done once, it hasn’t stopped hundreds of lame spinoffs from appearing anyway. But finally a worthy successor has appeared: TheMillionDollarBaby. Uh huh.

A pretty image collection featuring things being smashed, taken using high-speed photography. Me like to smash things good. Me like pretty pictures.

Friends, the Internet was not giving this weekend. So rather than post some new half-assed movie I’m just going to post some old half-assed movie that I’ve already posted before. But its something from Japan so we all know it will be great. And by ‘great’ I mean ‘completely f@cked up’.

I really need someone to explain to me what this is. I’ve had to watch it a few times now and I’m starting to feel light-headed from all the crazy. And I need someone who is not Japanese to explain it. Because someone from Japan is just going to say “Well, it’s a poodle-human giving an aerobics class to human-poodles, why do you ask, are you blind?”. And that’s really not going to help.

I noticed a couple of these flyers posted around where I live. The combination of the message, handwriting, and duct tape makes Mike come across as a delightful combination of sweet and scary, with a dash of crazy sprinkled on top.

It’s been a dogs age since we posted a game so I thought it would be nice to find a great one and put it up for you. But this isn’t it. This is just some strange game about flowers with really soothing background noises that I just can’t stop playing. Which is odd because I haven’t even figured out the rules yet.

Furthering evidence that Canada Rocks the Casbah, we have the Canadian commercial for the Nintendo Gameboy Micro. It features a few guys, a mouse, some cheese, a Game Boy Micro, and some serious humping. Watch the video to see what goes where.

When I first watched this video I felt pretty bad for the fish, but on second thought I’m sure the fish are fine. That poor boy, however, is not. He wanted to show the world how strong he is, but instead he showed us that when he panics he honks like a goose.

This game brings back some good memories of my past life when I was a king of.. some country with a weird accent. Anyways, I told this impudent toad to build me a catapult and convinced some of my peasants that launching them in the air and turning themselves into a bloody mess was for the good of the country, while in reality it was simply for my morbid amusement. Good times, good times…

The Swedish Chef attempts to make some delicious popcorn shrimp.

Sounds like someone’s got a case of the Catdays.

I’m confused about the movie … so the cops knew Internal Affairs was setting them up?

Watermelons: Beautiful and Delicious.

It’s Mario Bros. superimposed over a wall. It doesn’t sound like much, but it’s mesmerizing.

Marmots: The only mammal that looks cuter the fatter it gets.

And he looks exactly like you imagined.

Everything that comes out of Winnebago Man’s mouth is NSFW.

I am jealous of this little guy in the game. During his walk he encounters some cute birds, giraffes and windmills, while I am stuck with K-mart, crazy chain smoking lady yelling profanities at people passing by, and a genderless creature in a raincoat that smells like pee and asks me for a dollar. Life ain’t fair.

Michael Jackson would have loved this kid’s talent… and then he would have gotten him drunk on wine.

Well speaking of dreams, some of us in the forums are speaking of our own dreams, and some of them are pretty wacky.

Not since Fat Marmot Eating a Graham Cracker has a wild animal been so cute.

It’s like a Habitrail for goats.

I think Mr. Wong does the song’s lyrics more justice than the original.

Is that you Japanese God? It’s me, Admin.

You’re closer to hamburger time if you don’t see a doctor.

Use your mouse to guide the black man with the big lips… woah I did not just say that. It may look like I just said that, but it was not actually me. I don’t know who said it, but he was clearly a racist.

I’ll admit I was expecting something a little different when I read the title – something involving UAC marines, cyber demons, and a BFG – but this is cool too.

Proving once again it’s more fun to wreck stuff than it is to build it. Oh, and guess what else? Pandas like to eat denim jackets. That’s right jerks.

Some games need to be posted based on their title alone, just as some videos need to be voted for based on their title alone.

Loofah, loofah, loofah!

Video Games: they stimulate the mind and titillate the senses. Or do they titillate the mind and stimulate the senses? I can’t really tell.

Alexa Meade paints people so that they appear as if they have just walked out of an acrylic painting. She then further confuses the senses by lacing the town’s water supply with acid.

My least favorite part is getting smothered by the balls.

Werewolves are nothing to be afraid of, just think of them as really grumpy furries. If you trap them in a room with internet access they’ll be quite happy using the time to update their LiveJournal page instead of eating you.

Every once and a while a game comes along that really pushes the limits of… my html layouts. I’m serious, this thing is frickin’ wide.

Any game that can incorporate Victorian era women using the phrase “What the deuce?” gets immediately posted here. It’s one of those rules that can’t be broken… what do you call them? Right, a Commandment.

Hooray, everyone’s favorite ball factory is back open for business. And I know how much you perverts love balls!

Spread the zombie virus on a global scale in the latest installment of the Infectonator series.

Angry Husky: *poooooooooops*

Cause ima cowboy, on this neon-crotch-rocket iah ride, and I’m wanted (Richie Sambora: waaaaahned-ied) dead-or-alive.

In my dreams the bloons and the monkey are reversed. I am in control of a flying Super Balloon, plowing through waves of airborne monkeys with a hailstorm of darts, showering the forest below in a rain of primate hair, blood and organs.

You guys must wonder why I torture you with these educational games sometimes. I’ll be honest, I just kind of enjoy it. Not the game, I enjoy torturing you.

Combine delicious sushi, a fat, perfectly spherical cat and Plinko and you get Sushi Cat. Then when you’re done playing you can buy me an Asahi Super Lucky Cat. Just look at him, he’s off the wagon. Aww.

This is one of those games that the more I play, the worse I get. And that makes me want to play it more, which makes me suck at it even harder. It’s a vicious cycle, and it will end with me naked, crying, and possibly in the wrong apartment. 66.13 was my best, but that was many games ago…

Finally, a game that will truly separate the nerds from the über-nerds. All those years IM’ing with that overseas girlfriend who turned out to be a 40 year-old man from Ohio can finally be put to good use. Crack your knuckles, locate your F and J keys, and get ready to save the world!

I like to think of myself as a pretty smart guy, but I cannot get past level two of this ‘kids game’. Some guy has apparently gotten to level 30, which isn’t too hard to believe if you also believe in unicorns and monsters made of cheesecake.

Here is a little St. Patrick’s Day themed 4 leaf clover game. Hurry up and find those clovers before a leprechaun crawls up your leg and bites your privates!

Move yer mouse left and right to help me keep me pint steady. TRY NOT TO SPILL ALL MY BLOODY BEER.

Now that’s pants!

YOU: Hey, this game is just like the last drunken beer balancing game you put up!
ME: Yes it is.
YOU: You’re an idiot! Your website sucks! You’re gay!

There, I saved you the trouble.

Liberate the Kingdom of Oukoku in this classic tale of diminutive knight versus animated dog toys.

A common stereotype of the Egyptian mummy is that it would like nothing more than to tear your limbs off and scream in your face. However in reality, most mummies are just looking for hugs.

He’s on a horse.

STOP DOING IT.

IT ISN’T SEXY.

YOU LOOK STUPID.

While very impressive, this probably explains the shoddy workmanship of my apartment.

Touch the Rainbow. Taste the Rainbow. Digest the Rainbow.

If this wasn’t a National Geographic video, I would assume this was some sort of internet prank. But no, the giant salamander is real, and it will kill you in your dreams.

Harness the powers of Annoying Nerd, Bathrobe Pervert and The SuperGay to discover the meaning of the Paradox in this huge puzzle platformer.

In case you ever wondered what the inside of your stomach looks like after you’ve eaten Indian food, this game is pretty close. Unless it’s really good Indian food, and then it looks more like this.

I would have done a controlled burn of the ceiling.

Well fruitcakes, it’s Christmas time, when we let in light and we banish shade. Wait, what? Nevermind. Anyways, I hope you all have a great Christmas (or whatever other holidays you baby Jesus haters might participate in), and remember – if you don’t get the gifts you want, don’t be sad, just make someone pay.

If I were a zombie I wouldn’t bother running around trying to bite people in order to spread my undead infection. Instead, I would setup beside the road on days of large marathons and hand out water to runners from a barrel infected with my zombie saliva. See? Even dead I’m still brilliant.

This is my monster Tony. He is a level 12 Trap Master, a level 6 No Pants Wearing Master, and a level 4 Debating Master. He’ll trap you in his traps, out-casual you with his pants-free lifestyle, and master debate you under the table any day of the week!

Traversed by a grey skinned fellow,
With tusks a whiteish-yellow,
and kisses like shots of Grape Jello.

He is Dr. Mario and he is saving lives.

I will always have a soft spot in my heart for llamas, mainly due to that chilly night in Denmark back in 2008. I had a little too much to drink, got separated from my friends and was lost. We talked for a bit and took a little walk down by the river, and that’s when she showed me all about that special “Danish hospitality” I had been hearing about.

It always starts with a small favor. Maybe you do some dog sitting for an afternoon, or just proof read someone’s resume. But next thing you know you’re helping carry a washing machine up two flights of stairs, and not long after that you’re dressed in assless chaps dancing to Rihanna in front of a live webcam. Trust me, just say no.

An amazing new innovation that eliminates the need to be an actual self-respecting human being.

It may take you a few tries, but finishing this one is almost as satisfying as getting the cake song at the end of Portal.

This is one cat that shouldn’t be thrown onto the New Jersey Turnpike.

After their last epic breast – sorry, quest – our heroes struggle to rebuild their devastated world. But behind the scenes an ambitious man gathers an army of breasts and machines, rampaging across… wait, beasts and machines. Not wanting to allow these jugs – thugs – to… you know, just nevermind.

Those crazy cat women are always outdoing themselves.

I have always dreamed of a match three game that would let me do matches while the board is still rearranging. And now that such a game is finally here, it is every bit the orgy of color, particles, and extravagance that I imagined it would be.

And it’s the second grossest way of blowing bubbles.

aka A place I will never willingly go.

The Kakapo is a fat, flightless parrot found only in New Zealand that is nearly extinct, and after watching this video you might have a good idea as to why.
(If you like this video, I recommend you read Last Chance to See by Douglas Adams, which is really terribly funny.)

I’m assuming those annoying things with the horns eventually evolved into unicorns? Or maybe rhinos? Oh wait… no… OMG GROSS THOSE AREN’T HORNS

I was going to post a quote from Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, but I remembered last time I did that everyone thought I was getting married in two days.

PS: There’s a bug with highscore submission: If you’re playing more than once, refresh the page each time you play if you want your scores to submit.

The store’s for regular walking, not for fancy walking.

Russian game meets rushin’ game.

You see what I just did there? Rushin game. Genius!

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy fairybug runestone thing.

It actually takes very little to raise a dragon. Just leave it in a room with some canned ravioli, toilet paper, and a television. It will turn out fine – just like me. Now if you’ll excuse me, my Hannah Montana torrent is almost done and I need to get into my polar bear suit before I can watch.

I’ve been trying to figure out why this game is called Hexcelle. My best guess so far is that it was created by Sir Hextor Cellesis and that he named the game after his only son, who is also named Hextor. This is all speculation of course.

You know you’ve found a great game when it triggers a migraine.

Since actually airing the abortion episode of Family Guy would get Fox firebombed, the cast instead had a live reading of the episode.

I don’t know what that giant pink thing with the boogers is, but I may have pooped it out yesterday morning. If it was me, I apologize.

PPL DONT YOU JUS LV PIXELS SO MUCH DIZ MY FAV THINGS EVA!!!!

This message has been brought to you by the gems in my inbox.

And by “lawn” I mean the 3 foot radius around my computer. And by “get off” I mean just take a step back so you’re not in my personal space, but please stay and talk to me because I’m lonely. So very very lonely.

By just reading the title you might assume this game is about poops – but don’t worry, that would be gross. It’s actually about a water logged corpse.

I’d like to order a fat slice of love. Double cheese and extra-saucy please.

You’ve got to be a pretty awful person to humiliate your friend on national TV over the cost of a new toilet, but at least it makes for good television.

Can you help the boxmen save the universe from the evil Boxlor? Arm yourself with the Boxinating Phasor Cannon and fight through hordes of… boxes. Look, I’m going to be honest I have not played this game. There was a Hills marathon on last night.

A little tip for the guys out there, there is nothing – nothing – better for picking up chicks than a monocle. A monocle says a) I’m rich, b) I’m smart, and c) I’m so off my ass crazy that I will stalk you and boil your pets alive if you don’t love me forever so don’t even humor the idea of rejection.

Maybe it’s apple juice.

Genesis 19: Total insanity.

(NSFW because of swearing)

Are you seeing this Germany? THIS is how you bastardize a cheeseburger.

Ah, it’s time for another good paddling! I’ll bend ov… I mean, I’ll go get my optical mouse.

Some things are just so ridiculous that they command respect. Like for instance, this game, or the Hungarian Komondor.

It may not be Spy Hunter, but it does the job. And a giant man hug to whoever can figure out what the guy is saying in the game over music.

Hexiom – it’s just like Dungeons and Dragons, only minus the goblins, trolls, magic missiles, dungeon masters, dark caves, taverns, elves, dwarves, dice, nerds, more elves, chainmail armor, potions, orcs, half-elves, dragons, spells, super-nerds, giant lizard birds that you can fly, kinghts?, maidens, wizards, warlocks, witches, and… what I’m really trying to say is this game has hexagons in it.

To get an idea of what playing this game is like on a laptop touchpad, copy the following simple steps:

1) If you are right-handed, place the mouse in your left hand (or vise versa).
2) Wrap the mouse cord around your neck and leap out the nearest window.

In celebration of the new school year, today’s game is all about arithmetic. And don’t you dare think of complaining! If you want to be smart and successful like me, you have to learn your maths. It’s easy – just add up numbers until you reach 10. For instance: 2 + 4 + uh..7 + uh… 8… teen… Hey, look! Free XBox! *runs away*

I always face a bit of a moral quandary when I post a game involving drugs. In the end I usually dedide that it’s not my place to try and tell you whether or not I think drugs are bad. That’s something you have to decide on your own. By taking mountains of drugs. And seeing if they make you feel awesome or not.

From the creator of PEL, comes Alphabre…eh… Alphabeh… Alphabrekika… comes a brand new game.

I was actually thinking the other day that a penguin would make the perfect pet – if it wasn’t for the constant pooping. You could bring him in the bath, he wouldn’t take much room on the bed, I bet he’d love watching tv and sharing popcorn… It really is a shame about the pooping.

This is Loops of Zen, sequel to the lesser known but equally enjoyable game, Poops of Zen. Played by me. This morning. On the toilet.

There’s nothing I like more on a Friday night than kicking back with a good flash game, a buttery Chardonnay, and a brick of aged Swiss. What about you?

Going back to yesterday’s discussion about RPGs, I will say they do have one common upside – no techno soundtracks.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m not a big fan of fantasy RPGs, but I heard this one is pretty fun. Honestly I couldn’t get very far into it, as soon as I saw the anime-eyed pirate fighting the puffy cat cloud my gaydar exploded.

The most annoying thing about monstars is that they’re scary and occupy valuable closet space. The most annoying thing about Death is that he’s always trying to end my life and sometimes he forgets to flush. So Death wins this round in my books.

I realize that after playing a game like Arachnophilia, no other spider simulation could possibly satiate your arachnid appetites as efficiently, but that’s what you get for hanging out in a place as awesome as this. Oh, and pinkeye too.

So, the game is good and all but… what exactly am I looking at here? Are those little guys the storks? I fully understand the process of human procreation – it starts with kissing and ends with a room full of babies, but I’m a little hazy on the in between details.

I’ve always felt there’s no better way to start off the weekend than by getting beaten in a game involving a paddle. And in other news, I think I just got fired. No, wait – I’m the only one that works here. We’re all good.

Trees. For centuries, man’s most hated enemy. A day has never passed in my entire life where I haven’t fallen to my knees and prayed for the end of their retched race.

The city of Osaka Japan is inhabited entirely by community theater actors.

The title of this game promised me cursors. When I read “Cursor Chaos” I picture an orgy of multi-colored arrows, hourglasses, and pointing fingers, all shooting me, shooting each other, insulting my mother, crying, peeing on my couch, and making out with Cindy Seabrook in the closet. I’m not going to lie, I was a little disappointed.

That purple globular mass may look like grape jelly, but this webmaster can assure you that it most definitely is not. It neither tastes like grape jelly, nor possesses the soothing qualities of grape jelly when placed in the trousers. It is nothing more than a cruel electronic facade.

Hans and the Jedi save the planets from the evil Counsellor.

In Peekaboo – SaveAnAlien, it’s your job to save little alien clones by… uh… electrocuting them with probes? Oh, and Peekaboo!

You know who would be good at this game? This guy.

Press L to submit your score. Use any game mode you want.

What do you get when you combine a nuclear holocaust, zombies, Bomberman for the Nintendo, 3 under-ripened tomatoes, and bottle of Valentin Bianchi Cabernet Sauvignon?

Honestly, I have no idea. Possibly a decent spaghetti sauce.