My least favorite part is getting smothered by the balls.

Werewolves are nothing to be afraid of, just think of them as really grumpy furries. If you trap them in a room with internet access they’ll be quite happy using the time to update their LiveJournal page instead of eating you.

Every once and a while a game comes along that really pushes the limits of… my html layouts. I’m serious, this thing is frickin’ wide.

Any game that can incorporate Victorian era women using the phrase “What the deuce?” gets immediately posted here. It’s one of those rules that can’t be broken… what do you call them? Right, a Commandment.

Hooray, everyone’s favorite ball factory is back open for business. And I know how much you perverts love balls!

Spread the zombie virus on a global scale in the latest installment of the Infectonator series.

Angry Husky: *poooooooooops*

Cause ima cowboy, on this neon-crotch-rocket iah ride, and I’m wanted (Richie Sambora: waaaaahned-ied) dead-or-alive.

In my dreams the bloons and the monkey are reversed. I am in control of a flying Super Balloon, plowing through waves of airborne monkeys with a hailstorm of darts, showering the forest below in a rain of primate hair, blood and organs.

You guys must wonder why I torture you with these educational games sometimes. I’ll be honest, I just kind of enjoy it. Not the game, I enjoy torturing you.

Combine delicious sushi, a fat, perfectly spherical cat and Plinko and you get Sushi Cat. Then when you’re done playing you can buy me an Asahi Super Lucky Cat. Just look at him, he’s off the wagon. Aww.

This is one of those games that the more I play, the worse I get. And that makes me want to play it more, which makes me suck at it even harder. It’s a vicious cycle, and it will end with me naked, crying, and possibly in the wrong apartment. 66.13 was my best, but that was many games ago…

Finally, a game that will truly separate the nerds from the über-nerds. All those years IM’ing with that overseas girlfriend who turned out to be a 40 year-old man from Ohio can finally be put to good use. Crack your knuckles, locate your F and J keys, and get ready to save the world!

I like to think of myself as a pretty smart guy, but I cannot get past level two of this ‘kids game’. Some guy has apparently gotten to level 30, which isn’t too hard to believe if you also believe in unicorns and monsters made of cheesecake.

Here is a little St. Patrick’s Day themed 4 leaf clover game. Hurry up and find those clovers before a leprechaun crawls up your leg and bites your privates!

Move yer mouse left and right to help me keep me pint steady. TRY NOT TO SPILL ALL MY BLOODY BEER.

Now that’s pants!

YOU: Hey, this game is just like the last drunken beer balancing game you put up!
ME: Yes it is.
YOU: You’re an idiot! Your website sucks! You’re gay!

There, I saved you the trouble.

Liberate the Kingdom of Oukoku in this classic tale of diminutive knight versus animated dog toys.

A common stereotype of the Egyptian mummy is that it would like nothing more than to tear your limbs off and scream in your face. However in reality, most mummies are just looking for hugs.

He’s on a horse.

STOP DOING IT.

IT ISN’T SEXY.

YOU LOOK STUPID.

While very impressive, this probably explains the shoddy workmanship of my apartment.

Touch the Rainbow. Taste the Rainbow. Digest the Rainbow.

If this wasn’t a National Geographic video, I would assume this was some sort of internet prank. But no, the giant salamander is real, and it will kill you in your dreams.

Harness the powers of Annoying Nerd, Bathrobe Pervert and The SuperGay to discover the meaning of the Paradox in this huge puzzle platformer.

In case you ever wondered what the inside of your stomach looks like after you’ve eaten Indian food, this game is pretty close. Unless it’s really good Indian food, and then it looks more like this.

I would have done a controlled burn of the ceiling.

Well fruitcakes, it’s Christmas time, when we let in light and we banish shade. Wait, what? Nevermind. Anyways, I hope you all have a great Christmas (or whatever other holidays you baby Jesus haters might participate in), and remember – if you don’t get the gifts you want, don’t be sad, just make someone pay.

If I were a zombie I wouldn’t bother running around trying to bite people in order to spread my undead infection. Instead, I would setup beside the road on days of large marathons and hand out water to runners from a barrel infected with my zombie saliva. See? Even dead I’m still brilliant.

This is my monster Tony. He is a level 12 Trap Master, a level 6 No Pants Wearing Master, and a level 4 Debating Master. He’ll trap you in his traps, out-casual you with his pants-free lifestyle, and master debate you under the table any day of the week!

Traversed by a grey skinned fellow,
With tusks a whiteish-yellow,
and kisses like shots of Grape Jello.

He is Dr. Mario and he is saving lives.

I will always have a soft spot in my heart for llamas, mainly due to that chilly night in Denmark back in 2008. I had a little too much to drink, got separated from my friends and was lost. We talked for a bit and took a little walk down by the river, and that’s when she showed me all about that special “Danish hospitality” I had been hearing about.

It always starts with a small favor. Maybe you do some dog sitting for an afternoon, or just proof read someone’s resume. But next thing you know you’re helping carry a washing machine up two flights of stairs, and not long after that you’re dressed in assless chaps dancing to Rihanna in front of a live webcam. Trust me, just say no.

An amazing new innovation that eliminates the need to be an actual self-respecting human being.

It may take you a few tries, but finishing this one is almost as satisfying as getting the cake song at the end of Portal.

This is one cat that shouldn’t be thrown onto the New Jersey Turnpike.

After their last epic breast – sorry, quest – our heroes struggle to rebuild their devastated world. But behind the scenes an ambitious man gathers an army of breasts and machines, rampaging across… wait, beasts and machines. Not wanting to allow these jugs – thugs – to… you know, just nevermind.

Those crazy cat women are always outdoing themselves.

I have always dreamed of a match three game that would let me do matches while the board is still rearranging. And now that such a game is finally here, it is every bit the orgy of color, particles, and extravagance that I imagined it would be.

And it’s the second grossest way of blowing bubbles.

aka A place I will never willingly go.

The Kakapo is a fat, flightless parrot found only in New Zealand that is nearly extinct, and after watching this video you might have a good idea as to why.
(If you like this video, I recommend you read Last Chance to See by Douglas Adams, which is really terribly funny.)

I’m assuming those annoying things with the horns eventually evolved into unicorns? Or maybe rhinos? Oh wait… no… OMG GROSS THOSE AREN’T HORNS

I was going to post a quote from Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, but I remembered last time I did that everyone thought I was getting married in two days.

PS: There’s a bug with highscore submission: If you’re playing more than once, refresh the page each time you play if you want your scores to submit.

The store’s for regular walking, not for fancy walking.

Russian game meets rushin’ game.

You see what I just did there? Rushin game. Genius!

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy fairybug runestone thing.

It actually takes very little to raise a dragon. Just leave it in a room with some canned ravioli, toilet paper, and a television. It will turn out fine – just like me. Now if you’ll excuse me, my Hannah Montana torrent is almost done and I need to get into my polar bear suit before I can watch.

I’ve been trying to figure out why this game is called Hexcelle. My best guess so far is that it was created by Sir Hextor Cellesis and that he named the game after his only son, who is also named Hextor. This is all speculation of course.

You know you’ve found a great game when it triggers a migraine.

Since actually airing the abortion episode of Family Guy would get Fox firebombed, the cast instead had a live reading of the episode.

I don’t know what that giant pink thing with the boogers is, but I may have pooped it out yesterday morning. If it was me, I apologize.

PPL DONT YOU JUS LV PIXELS SO MUCH DIZ MY FAV THINGS EVA!!!!

This message has been brought to you by the gems in my inbox.

And by “lawn” I mean the 3 foot radius around my computer. And by “get off” I mean just take a step back so you’re not in my personal space, but please stay and talk to me because I’m lonely. So very very lonely.

By just reading the title you might assume this game is about poops – but don’t worry, that would be gross. It’s actually about a water logged corpse.

I’d like to order a fat slice of love. Double cheese and extra-saucy please.

You’ve got to be a pretty awful person to humiliate your friend on national TV over the cost of a new toilet, but at least it makes for good television.

Can you help the boxmen save the universe from the evil Boxlor? Arm yourself with the Boxinating Phasor Cannon and fight through hordes of… boxes. Look, I’m going to be honest I have not played this game. There was a Hills marathon on last night.

A little tip for the guys out there, there is nothing – nothing – better for picking up chicks than a monocle. A monocle says a) I’m rich, b) I’m smart, and c) I’m so off my ass crazy that I will stalk you and boil your pets alive if you don’t love me forever so don’t even humor the idea of rejection.

Maybe it’s apple juice.

Genesis 19: Total insanity.

(NSFW because of swearing)

Are you seeing this Germany? THIS is how you bastardize a cheeseburger.

Ah, it’s time for another good paddling! I’ll bend ov… I mean, I’ll go get my optical mouse.

Some things are just so ridiculous that they command respect. Like for instance, this game, or the Hungarian Komondor.

It may not be Spy Hunter, but it does the job. And a giant man hug to whoever can figure out what the guy is saying in the game over music.

Hexiom – it’s just like Dungeons and Dragons, only minus the goblins, trolls, magic missiles, dungeon masters, dark caves, taverns, elves, dwarves, dice, nerds, more elves, chainmail armor, potions, orcs, half-elves, dragons, spells, super-nerds, giant lizard birds that you can fly, kinghts?, maidens, wizards, warlocks, witches, and… what I’m really trying to say is this game has hexagons in it.

To get an idea of what playing this game is like on a laptop touchpad, copy the following simple steps:

1) If you are right-handed, place the mouse in your left hand (or vise versa).
2) Wrap the mouse cord around your neck and leap out the nearest window.

In celebration of the new school year, today’s game is all about arithmetic. And don’t you dare think of complaining! If you want to be smart and successful like me, you have to learn your maths. It’s easy – just add up numbers until you reach 10. For instance: 2 + 4 + uh..7 + uh… 8… teen… Hey, look! Free XBox! *runs away*

I always face a bit of a moral quandary when I post a game involving drugs. In the end I usually dedide that it’s not my place to try and tell you whether or not I think drugs are bad. That’s something you have to decide on your own. By taking mountains of drugs. And seeing if they make you feel awesome or not.

From the creator of PEL, comes Alphabre…eh… Alphabeh… Alphabrekika… comes a brand new game.

I was actually thinking the other day that a penguin would make the perfect pet – if it wasn’t for the constant pooping. You could bring him in the bath, he wouldn’t take much room on the bed, I bet he’d love watching tv and sharing popcorn… It really is a shame about the pooping.

This is Loops of Zen, sequel to the lesser known but equally enjoyable game, Poops of Zen. Played by me. This morning. On the toilet.

There’s nothing I like more on a Friday night than kicking back with a good flash game, a buttery Chardonnay, and a brick of aged Swiss. What about you?

Going back to yesterday’s discussion about RPGs, I will say they do have one common upside – no techno soundtracks.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m not a big fan of fantasy RPGs, but I heard this one is pretty fun. Honestly I couldn’t get very far into it, as soon as I saw the anime-eyed pirate fighting the puffy cat cloud my gaydar exploded.

The most annoying thing about monstars is that they’re scary and occupy valuable closet space. The most annoying thing about Death is that he’s always trying to end my life and sometimes he forgets to flush. So Death wins this round in my books.

I realize that after playing a game like Arachnophilia, no other spider simulation could possibly satiate your arachnid appetites as efficiently, but that’s what you get for hanging out in a place as awesome as this. Oh, and pinkeye too.

So, the game is good and all but… what exactly am I looking at here? Are those little guys the storks? I fully understand the process of human procreation – it starts with kissing and ends with a room full of babies, but I’m a little hazy on the in between details.

I’ve always felt there’s no better way to start off the weekend than by getting beaten in a game involving a paddle. And in other news, I think I just got fired. No, wait – I’m the only one that works here. We’re all good.

Trees. For centuries, man’s most hated enemy. A day has never passed in my entire life where I haven’t fallen to my knees and prayed for the end of their retched race.

The city of Osaka Japan is inhabited entirely by community theater actors.

The title of this game promised me cursors. When I read “Cursor Chaos” I picture an orgy of multi-colored arrows, hourglasses, and pointing fingers, all shooting me, shooting each other, insulting my mother, crying, peeing on my couch, and making out with Cindy Seabrook in the closet. I’m not going to lie, I was a little disappointed.

That purple globular mass may look like grape jelly, but this webmaster can assure you that it most definitely is not. It neither tastes like grape jelly, nor possesses the soothing qualities of grape jelly when placed in the trousers. It is nothing more than a cruel electronic facade.

Hans and the Jedi save the planets from the evil Counsellor.

In Peekaboo – SaveAnAlien, it’s your job to save little alien clones by… uh… electrocuting them with probes? Oh, and Peekaboo!

You know who would be good at this game? This guy.

Press L to submit your score. Use any game mode you want.

What do you get when you combine a nuclear holocaust, zombies, Bomberman for the Nintendo, 3 under-ripened tomatoes, and bottle of Valentin Bianchi Cabernet Sauvignon?

Honestly, I have no idea. Possibly a decent spaghetti sauce.