Russian game meets rushin’ game.

You see what I just did there? Rushin game. Genius!

Create clones of yourself to help you reach the door at the end of each level. Complete all the levels to win the ultimate prize – the love of Andie MacDowell in her prime. Or maybe I’m getting confused with that Michael Keaton movie.

I am not liable for the tears.

Admit it, you’ve always wanted to punch a robot duck in a top hat. And as always, I provide. Yet for some reason I’ve never received a single gift basket in return…

*hint hint*

This game reminds me of a dream I had when I was 14. It involved me developing the ability to fly, Eddie Van Halen giving me his guitar, winning the lottery, and my Samantha Fox poster coming to life.

Do you struggle with the simplest of physical tasks? Then _____ is for you!

Wreckin’ stuff – almost as satisfying as scaring cats.

I’m not going to go into details, but the last time I experienced a giant diamond being tossed into the ocean under a beautiful sunset was my famous botched wedding proposal of 1997. Note to self: next time try waiting for the restraining order to expire before proposing.

In this game you play as Samurai Tom Cruise, and must prevent your wife and daughter from escaping to freedom by slicing and dicing through the cyber-demons that protect them. Your only weapons: your trusted katana and the ability to control animals with your mind.

I wasn’t in the Chess Club at school, so I don’t really know too much about the game. Back then I based all my extra curricular activities around where the chicks were at – namely the Math Club. Hello, woman of my dreams.

Always wished you could juggle? Me neither, but give it a try it anyways. And as an added bonus you get to see what happens to your eyes when you don’t blink for 5 minutes straight. Fun! Fun! Fun!

meow meow meow meow meow, TIME TRAVEL.

In this game you have to try and save Sir Whitey McBlockster from a deadly pool of rising lava. It takes a combination of luck, strategy, and patience to do well, but with practice you can actually get some pretty high scores.

You’re not going to let me keep that gold, are you?

I’ll be honest, this game isn’t really what I had imagined when I fantasize about being a zombie. First off, armor? Second, friends? And I had imagined a lot more brain eating. Also – less talking, more groaning.

Way back in 1972, a company called Atari released what many people believe was the first ever video game. And today, 36 years of human and technological advancement has finally brought us the sequel.

I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is:

a) coated 200 mg Advil tablets.
b) more cowbell.
c) raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

Yeah, I know it’s old, buy hey – so is your mom!

What do you get when you cross today’s brightest minds in software engineering with the latest advancements in graphical acceleration technology? You get a game with two geometric shapes and two colors. But it is kinda fun.

Well I don’t know about you kids, but I had a great weekend. From Friday evening to Monday morning a pair of pants never touched my legs, the only air I breathed was recycled from the vent of an XBox 360, and oh! I found a hot dog under the couch cushions. Don’t worry, I got my dog to lick the lint off before I ate it.

Help the poor little boneless man avoid the metal spikes raining down from the sky! I was able to dodge 135. Coincidentally that is the same number of pushups I do every morning. Right before I head off to male supermodel school. Just some little facts I thought you might be interested in… *cough* ladies.

You might think that because this game is called ‘Red’ that it has something to do with Communism. And you would be absolutely right. I base that statement on nothing other than extreme paranoia and what some have called a ‘wild, dangerous’ imagination. Use your breast-shaped turret to blast those commie rocks back into the potato fields of Mother Russia. Freedom and Democracy are counting on you!