Whenever I find myself in a room with a dead hooker *cough* I mean girl, I follow these three simple steps my dad taught me: “Stop, Drop, and Roll”. That stands for: stop what you were doing, drop everything, and roll on outta there.

A little tip for the guys out there, there is nothing – nothing – better for picking up chicks than a monocle. A monocle says a) I’m rich, b) I’m smart, and c) I’m so off my ass crazy that I will stalk you and boil your pets alive if you don’t love me forever so don’t even humor the idea of rejection.

You take a block from the bottom, and you put it on top, you… take a.. somethin and a somethin.. and.. uh… Jenga, Jenga, J-J-J-Jenga.

The term “Nevermore” was made famous by Edgar Allan Poe’s 1845 poem, The Raven. For those of you that haven’t read it, I will summarize: talking raven, nevermore, lots of quothing, a little quathing, nevermore, a chick named Lenore, and nevermore.

I just don’t look at escape the room games the same way anymore. They all seem much too… heterosexual. Let’s just say that I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is more unicorn.

Going back to yesterday’s discussion about RPGs, I will say they do have one common upside – no techno soundtracks.

That purple globular mass may look like grape jelly, but this webmaster can assure you that it most definitely is not. It neither tastes like grape jelly, nor possesses the soothing qualities of grape jelly when placed in the trousers. It is nothing more than a cruel electronic facade.

If I built a castle and it looked even half as silly as some of these, I would construct a trebuchet using the bones of my wife, the tendons from my children, and the hide of my dog. I would launch my own body at the castle over and over until it was completely destroyed and any trace of the shame it brought to me was erased from existence.

Well here I was thinking this was a Halloween game, but turns out those aren’t piles of zombies – they’re piles of clones. I suck. Halloween is ruined.