“The quickest way to get a woman in bed is to first get her clothes off and get her to take a bath. Whether she needs it or not. That’s romantic. Bubbles in your bathtub.”

-Darth Vader, The Vader Sessions

The city manager of Tuttle Oklahoma is convinced that the creators of CentOS (a free Linux distribution) have hacked the city’s web server, and he’s taking this all the way to the top! Read along with this hilarious email conversation (if you’re a geek and like that sort of thing- I only like beauitiful models).

Now hold up a minute here… Am I the only person who watches Battlestar Galactica? Does anyone remember a little movie called ‘The Terminator’? Human robots = bad idea. Honestly I don’t know why we’re so worried about the terrorists. We need to invade Japan.

Don’t fall for the Scientology of education.

He’ll help you draw, he’ll help you erase; waste not want not…he’s Pencil Face.

Meet Klaus. He drives a forklift… badly.

This cartoon is actually kind of brutal, but that’s probably because Chris Brown, you know, beats women.

They go from badass to retarded pretty quickly.

Now let’s celebrate mother nature in all her majest… What? What the #@*% is Labour Day?

I’m not up on my entomology, but I’m pretty sure these things eat your dreams while you’re sleeping.

Who hasn’t made a series of angry, swearing filled videos to win back an ex girlfriend?

I’m going to open an Italian restaurant one day and I’m going to call it… well, you’ll see.

“You are not a photographer” and “You are not a model” are statements that college aged males should utter more often.

For those of you who never got to experience the blissful sound of a dial-up modem connecting, this site will allow you to live the late 90s through the magic of terrible human impressions.

NONONO what is he so NONONONO afraid of?

What an adorable way to be crushed to death.

So… did she just die?

I need to refine my earlier prediction. Twenty years from now, humans will be running down rubble strewn alleys away from these things riding those other things.

It’s like a real life Pokemon.

You’re going to want to turn your speaks down for this one… unless you’re awesome!

To be honest, I’m not sure I could say anything funnier than the comments that are already under the video.

Forget dogs and cats. I’m all about owls now.

It looks like it’s for children, but this video takes a turn for the insane somewhere along the way.

The Onion News Network’s Micheal Faulk discovers that prison may not be as bad as it sounds.

Because of this NSFW commercial, I am now a Scientologist.

Don’t these kids know they’re breaking the Temporal Prime Directive?

I wonder if giant pandas ever rip off people’s heads and eat them whole.

God’s hump, his hump, his hump, his lovely lady lumps.

Someone call the fire department.

They should call these Orange Diaper Mold Pants.

It’s a shame Newt Gingrich had to be the one to bring it up, because a moon base would be pretty awesome.

Lego hasn’t been this violent since The Silence of the Lambs musical.

You can take my tall toilet when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

How does this work? Better ask some Juggalos.

That’s okay baby elephant – I’m much older than you are and I still haven’t figured out those things. Or how to set up my VCR to record Friends at 3am.

I should have gotten my wisdom teeth removed in Jaipur.

It will be the best one second of your life.

Being free from the tyranny of my pants means I don’t have this problem.

I had no idea there were this many different kinds of soda.

Just add soy sauce.

Barry! What are you doing? What is wrong with you? Do not open anything else! What is that? Barry, no!

Finally, an honest politician. I wonder if he knows how to spell potato.

You kids look like you could use a delicious fruity beverage and some Space Potatoes.

Bam! I just saved your dad’s life.

I predict that in the future everyone will live in 3D projections on buildings.

Just when you thought nothing could ever make you feel as motorically challenged as QWOP, they decided to make GIRP.

This makes me laugh every time!

People on Facebook who think The Onion is real.

TIL that Captain Jack Sparrow is the Jester of Tortuga. Hilariously NSFW.

Blacky McLaser-Eyes and B-boy Cat finally get their comeuppance.

Just give him some damn maple bacon!

I made a video like this once, but it turned out to be just slow motion footage of me eating Jell-O.

Micheal Faulk digs deep into the minutia that other reporters without neural development issues would be too professional to talk about.

Why? Because the Lego was there.

Hocus pocus you’re an even better musician.

Now you’re all going to hell too. (Music is slightly NSFW.)

Abracadabra you’re a musician.

Whether it’s a turtle or a tortoise, this is their king.

We’ve already learned how to defend ourselves from an armed attacker, so now it’s time to learn the second most important thing for a man to know. How to pee in public.

This song is like the Defensor of songs.

It’s been one year since Owen the baby hippo got swept away by the tsunami waves and washed straight into the arms(?) of Mzee the century-old tortoise. Let’s see how they’ve been doing. Sit back and get ready to be sucker-punched by the iron fist of cuteness.

This story is kinda old, but I’m sure there’s a few people out there who haven’t seen it. And the pictures are enough to make grown men coddle their computer monitors and coo like babies, and that sort of power should not be kept under wraps.

And it’s not that golden owl from Clash of the Titans.

This awesome slide almost makes me wish it was still winter. Almost.

Now we know three people who don’t have a future in broadcasting.

Believe it or not, all of these photos are of real, life-size objects and locations. They have been made to appear like miniature models through the process of tilt-shift miniature faking.

These capybaras live a better life than all of us.

Little Known Fact: my grandfather was actually a Supermarine Spitfire pilot during WW2. Unfortunately he was dishonorably discharged for reasons that are still unclear to me. Maybe getting drunk on homemade scotch and wing-surfing naked during combat was frowned upon by the RAF?

Apparently (the NSFW) Joad Cressbeckler doesn’t think that the Larry King Simulator was worth the money.

I think we all hate these types of people, along with customers-only washroom policies.

This a 10 year old girl rocking out on an electronic organ, which is an instrument I only just learned existed.

I for one welcome the inevitable Robocalypse. It can only mean faster download speeds and more Wi-Fi hotspots for me to update my Facebook status and tweet about changes to my body caused by nuclear fallout.

I once swam the length of my pool underwater… twice!

Bam! You’ve just learned what a world with inverse friction cars would be like.

Mitchell and Webb are back with their take on those polite lies we say to people we care about.

When I was young I wanted to grow up to be just like the brilliant inventor Nikola Tesla. I partially succeeded – I am a paranoid germaphobe, with obsessive compulsive disorder and a fear of being touched by women. The only thing missing is the brilliance.

And is hungry. So very, very hungry.

The Japanese would crush us underfoot with their remote control giant robot technology, but their late 90′s webcam quality video is too grainy.

Shortly after I broke my personal record for the longest time sitting on the couch without getting up (84 hours), I developed something my doctor referred to as “Nuclearoids”. Basically it’s a hemorrhoid that evolves to the point where it can reproduce asexually and forge medieval era weapons.

It’s only the beginning of 2011 and yet I think this urban exploration video is already a contender for best of the year.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be on vacation in a volcano.

It’s not so much a wheel as it is a tree. It is also the glorious creation of a modern day mad scientist.

Okay, so maybe it’s trying to eat and failing, but still… cute!

It’s becoming evident
He landed in excrement
But never fear ’cause Minty’s here
To make Christmas excellent!

No wait, he probably did. Yeah, he definitely did.

I’m going to cover myself in angora rabbits.

Some helpful tips for those of you that don’t have your own personal PetSpas.

The future is going to hang on whether or not businesses will be able to convince you to pay money for things you can otherwise get for free.

This very NSFW version of Losing My Religion, performed by a Michael Stipe lookalike with Tourettes, is quite possibly better than the original.

This guy can play the carrot better than you can play the clarinet.

If there were land octopuses we’d all be dead. Dead I tell you!

The Russians have been domesticating Silver Foxes for over 50 years, and now I want one.

Cooler than cats and cuter than puppies, it’s everyone’s favorite pet the octopus. Witness here it’s awesome camouflaging abilities; guaranteed to be the coolest thing you’ll see all day. Believe it, or he’ll squirt you with ink!

I for one appreciate Ed’s honesty. I’m voting for him and Clint Webb this November.

This milling machine has been programmed to play the MacGyver theme, making it the greatest milling machine ever.

I just saved you all from having to go on an expensive trip to Japan, where they don’t have any respect for normal sized eyeballs. Of course they do have those beer vending machines… I need to call a travel agent.

I guess that explains The Wicker Man.

To think that all it took was Asians and computer animation.

The greatest song of all time mashed up with some sort of weird Australian shouty music.

Wait, is this still going on? I guess that explains the move in to politics.

BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA meow

Now that’s what I’d call a watermelon facial.

Carl’s bloodlust grows stronger every year, but I do have to agree with him on the subject of orphan meat. It’s the Cadillac of meats.

See you guys this Saturday!

What do a hunter and a vicious black bear have to do with white-out? I still don’t know the answer.

cynnicysm has been plagued with death threats ever since he discovered, and subsequently hoarded the nation’s supply of giant Nutella jars. Thankfully Amazon has averted his kidnapping and murder by a mysterious pantsless man, and now everyone can have enough Nutella to smother a large cat.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??? *sobbing*

Between Two Ferns is the greatest NSFW talk show of our times.

Is that you Japanese God? It’s me, Admin.

I think Mr. Wong does the song’s lyrics more justice than the original.

This awesome video of an Airbus A380 was taken from the cockpit of a 747 flying above it.

Marmots: The only mammal that looks cuter the fatter it gets.

Oh, so that was the story of Batman Begins. I must have blacked out in the theater.

He’s climbin in your windows
He’s snatchin your people up
Hide your kids, hide your wife
Hide your kids, hide your wife

Michael Jackson would have loved this kid’s talent… and then he would have gotten him drunk on wine.

Saturday Night Live parodies Insane Clown Posse’s horrible abortion of a song.

I’m impressed that mall security guards in England don’t need Rascal scooters.

Hundreds of cargo ships wait empty off the coast of Malaysia for an improvement to the global economy, or for the arrival of their ghost pirate crews, whichever happens first.

Remember – the baby Jesus may love you, but not everyone does.

I’ll give you a hint. It means you’re about to need a new plane.

Alexa Meade paints people so that they appear as if they have just walked out of an acrylic painting. She then further confuses the senses by lacing the town’s water supply with acid.

Loofah, loofah, loofah!

Speed Riding is the combination of paragliding and skiing. They should have called it Urine Pants Skiing.

An impassioned plea to put a twang of salt on your sweet melon. Just a twang!

Wilbur Sargunaraj reminds us not to treat people with suspicion just because they’re brown.

Lazy Horse Mattress is the best in town.

Clearly, Ke$ha’s Tik Tok is the song of the century!

A mulatto
An albino
A triple axel
My zamboni

As this commercial clearly demonstrates.

Can you imagine if you tried to get a permit to do this in North America? They’d make you use red and orange paper streamers and some fans.

He’s on a horse.

For when you’ve almost stopped trying.

Why oh why did they give the monkey a loaded gun?

If this wasn’t a National Geographic video, I would assume this was some sort of internet prank. But no, the giant salamander is real, and it will kill you in your dreams.

Finally, R&B is tolerable. Thank you barnyard animal.

He’s still got his hat… and his taste for murder.

Prepare for Jedis, excitement and competent storytelling. Oh… wait.. no.

Fact: Qui-Gon was always drinking gin. This made him a terrible Jedi.

I said be quiet, I’m making my Youtube Star Wars review!

For the next seven days I will be posting a segment from this hilarious, ultimate review of The Phantom Menace. It’s a Christmas miracle!

Oh, and don’t go peeking ahead. You’ll just spoil your supper.

Finally, once and for all, Stephen Colbert has proven that nuclear bombs are awesome.

And who can blame him? They’re delicious.

If you view this video, someone, somewhere in the world who you don’t know, will die.

Maybe the sketch artist had a half day.

Okay okay, but can he balance on his… forget it, he probably can.

So that’s how he does it.

Otters are the new purse poodle.

Finally, a game perfectly suited for the youth of today. Although Oakland kids might have an unfair advantage.

Everything’s cooler in sloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow motioooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon.

Yeah, I’d say this is pretty accurate.

Not so fun when the shoe’s on the other foot, is it jerks?

Genesis 19: Total insanity.

(NSFW because of swearing)

This game requires Flash Player 10. A lot of them do now. Maybe it’s time to update.

Oh believe me, I will.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, climbs a wall upside down like a spider, man.

Honestly Mexico, you’re coming up with a lot of reasons for me to never visit you.

Brought to you by Ambien.

Denny’s has created a commercial marketed toward one of its two major demographics. Now all we need is a commercial starring a loud redneck family.

Damn nature, you scary!

Can Charlie save the future, all the while declining the advances of a particularly possessive starfish?

There are two things wrong with Karl. Try and guess what they are. (Hint: It’s not his hat.)

Warning: DYOG may cause increased gambling, sexual, or other overpowering urges. The way DYOG works is not entirely understood.

British comedy duo Mitchell & Webb ask the question at least some SS soldiers must have been wondering.

Kanye West realizes what he really is, and goes home to the sea.

French ‘Tom Green’, Rémi Gaillard and friends play Pac-Man in a supermarket, with predictably disastrous results.

Toby Jones is back with Jones’ Good Ass BBQ & Foot Massage. As long as it’s fryable or edible, he’ll make it deliciousitible. And then if you pay him enough, Toby or one of his foot specialists will massage your feet in sensual sauces.

I’m a commie pinko bastard.

James Marshall has been freed after spending 12 years in prison for the fatal bear attack of Janet Kelly.

Is it just me, or has TV become really foul all of a sudden?

Kitty Meow Meows loves his garbage can.

In Rand McNally, they wear hats on their feet and watermelons eat people.

We’ve got sheep pong, sheep fireworks, sheep sheep and so much more.

Adam Waddell of Wyoming steals the ball, goes for a dunk, and almost breaks his entire body.

This game reminds me of the hours days okay fine, weeks I flushed down the pooper playing Civ3 and Dice Wars. The desire for revenge I feel when territory is stolen from me immediately overrides all natural instincts to eat, bathe, blink, and feed the goldfish. Forgive me Bubbles and Lexus! FORGIVE ME!

NASA scientists, no doubt in a down period between shuttle explosions, give spiders various drugs and take photographs of the resulting webs. There’s a prize for guessing which drug results in the most dysfunctional web! (The prize is love.)

When a thin layer of water covers the Salar de Uyuni salt flats in southwestern Bolivia, they reflect the sky, creating what looks like the best place on earth… unless you’re thirsty.

Oh Family Guy, is there anything you can’t make wonderful?

And an old man won’t shut up about it.

I’m Batman.

Performance art group Improv Everywhere cheers up the commuters of New York with free high fives.

God bless America.

Although this game is fantastically cool, I cannot help but think of how much cooler it would be if these talented game developers had made it about a pirate and not a ninja. Instead of lasers there would be cannonballs, and instead of all this silly jumping there would be swashbuckling. And there would also be ale, and a parrot, and eyepatches. I think I’ve made my point.

In honor o’ this most excellent seafarin’ hearty game, all comments must be port in official seafarin’ hearty speak. Ya lily livered scurvy dog!

How could someone so annoying create something so wonderful?

Oh sure, it’s cool now, but just wait until it forms a giant solid metal spear and stabs you in the throat.

Don’t step in to the ring with this feisty feline. He’s got the eye of the tiger.

If I won the lottery, I’d definitely buy a penguin. But I probably wouldn’t take him flying.

This guy was damned if he did, and damned if he didn’t, but in retrospect, reversing and destroying the crossing guard barrier would have been the better choice.

Kitesurfing during a hurricane may not have been this guy’s brightest idea.

Now this is an Olympic event I can get into. The suspense!

David Blaine Meets His Match, in the form of a puppet that isn’t afraid to call him a dangling douche.

Technology is really starting to freak me out. I even hear they have Internet on computers now.

It’s like having a deja vu that you’re having a deja vu!

Press L to submit your score at anytime.

Denis Leary reminisces about the fabulous movies he’s been in. Okay, they’re pretty much all terrible. And because it’s Denis Leary, this video features swearing, so cover your ears children.

Although just as talented and hard-working as Darth, a few tough breaks in Chad’s life forced him to follow a less ambitious career path than his brother. Hopefully one day he’ll catch that lucky break.

Finally, I understand Catholicism.

If, like me, you were having trouble deciding whether your next videogame purchase should be Kingdom Hearts II or Resident Evil 4, this little video narrated by mc chris should clear up the decision for you.

Most of you are probably familiar with the 5 stages a giraffe goes through when he gets stuck in quicksand, but if you aren’t then here they are. Tomorrow’s lesson: the five stages of nerdly-arousal I go through when I watch Battlestar Galactica.

Wake up silly sleepy-heads! Charlie’s going to Candy Mountain, a land of sweets and joy and joyness. It’ll be an adventure!

Swim away fugu fish, swim away, or you might get pulled in to the vortex of Steve’s negativity and not enjoy this new Charlie the Unicorn adventure.

This classic Saturday Night Live spoof commercial implores the elderly to get robot insurance, in order to protect against the ever present danger of robot attack.

You see, Christianity is a lot like a pickle shoved into an electrical socket.

Not a lot of people know this, but Sesame Street isn’t for children anymore. In their efforts to reach the coveted young adult demographic, I think they’ve crossed the line.

As far as I can tell, Seth MacFarlane’s Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy is just like an episode of Family Guy, only with everything stripped out except the “it’s like the time when…” parts. So yeah, it’s awesome.

God bless the Internet, it teaches me something new everyday. By the way, if the P-word makes you blush, you probably shouldn’t watch this. You know, the P-WORD. The peeee-nis. *blushes*

This makes me wonder how many penises have been hidden in all the cartoons I’ve watched over the years.

Although not well known, Jesusasaurus Rex was by far the most feared of the dinosaurs, possessing the ability to rise from the grave and bore other dinosaurs to death with speeches about kindness.

This Belgian man really loves penguins. Mere words can not do his love justice, but take how much you love a buttery Chardonnay and multiply it by a million. You’re still not even close. He’s crazy.

Oh dear. Sorry guys. Now not only do you have to stress over the fact that I, webmaster extraordinaire, p0wn you in all of our online games, but now there’s all these animals that are better than you too!

And here I was thinking that the shells were the wings. Thank you Internet.

So as it turns out, god is a DJ. Or DJs are necromancers. Or this one is made of magic. I’m not really sure to be honest, but this short film has apparently won a lot of awards.

It can be hard to win the heart of that beautiful young Mexican woman during your day trip to Tijuana, when you’ve only had one semester of Spanish class.

This hilarious book of bad news postcards is the perfect gift for that special someone in your life that is afraid of confrontations. Now they can use cute and cuddly animals to deliver bad news like, I’m sleeping with your wife, and It’s not you, it’s me.

If this game was about falling puppies I would master it. I would play it until I could play it forever without letting a single adorable little puppy die. It is all I would do until the end of time. Kittens… meh.

Hell of Sand is yet another game with no point other than to waste time. It is also an oddly titled game. I would have called it Joy of Relaxing Sand. Make sure you experiment with all of the options at the bottom.

Question 1: When you guys ask me to put up a game, what do I do? Answer: I put it up. Question 2: Why do I do that? Answer: Because I love you like a fat kid loves cake. Question 3: Why am I so awesome? Answer: Not entirely sure, maybe genetics.

My strategy with hand-to-hand fighting games has always been to smash as many buttons as I can, as quickly as I can, all while acting like I know exactly what I’m doing. It’s the same strategy I use at work when sitting in front of the computer, and it has worked as well for me there as is does in this game. And that is to say very, very,very, badly.

This game is, as the French say, ‘wickedly awesome’. The performance can be pretty bad, so before starting I recommend you go into the game’s configuration menu and turn motion blur and FPS Stability to OFF. Then tape a LEAVE ME ALONE note to the back of your head because you’ve got places to be (your computer) and people to see (zombies).

Don’t get excited by the name you perverts. This game has nothing to do with whipping it out and everything to do with street-fightin’, ass-whoopin’, name-takin’, and bad-spellin’. Do you have what it takes to flash harder and longer than everyone else?

If you’ve ever wondered how a computer virus attacks a network, this game is actually a 100% accurate simulation of how it is done. Although in real life the ice cannons are not quite as poweful, and the flamethrower has a slightly wider attack angle but with less range.

It fires the potion at the hordes, it does this whenever it’s told. It fires the potion at the hordes or else it gets the hose again. Now it places the potion in the basket…

Ah, Death by Hinge. Not quite as desirable as Death by Puppies, but still a preferred alternative to Death by Frilled Shark if you ask me.

You still wake up sometimes, don’t you? Wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the beans?

PS: Who is your favorite bean?

This game is pretty gross, but hey, what’s Halloween without a little blood and body parts? Why, it would be like having Christmas without snow! (and blood and body parts.)

This Nintendo Bomberman clone really reminds me of the gaming days of my youth. And what’s really cool about it is, it has a two player mode so I can play against my imaginary friend. Wait, I mean my real friend. My girlfriend actually. She’s a supermodel. I have 10 of them.

I’ve always said the best way to handle interpersonal issues is with some gasoline and a match.

I’ll be honest, this game isn’t really what I had imagined when I fantasize about being a zombie. First off, armor? Second, friends? And I had imagined a lot more brain eating. Also – less talking, more groaning.

Did I ever tell you guys I could have been a ninja? I dunno, I just figured being a brain surgeon was a more noble profession. It’s also a lot easier on the joints.

At Jones’ Big ASS Truck Rental and Storage, Toby Jones will store anything for $10.99 a month!!!

From the creators of Charlie the Unicorn and Detective Mittens, comes a really sadistic ferret.

Although funny and star-studded, this may have been somewhat more useful before the election.

Friends come in all shapes and sizes.

How does one prepare for the inevitable rhino escape at a zoo? With constant and mandatory emergency drills which accurately depict the terror that a real rampaging rhinoceros would convey.

Some people do deserve to have bad things happen to them.

Mother nature must really want us dead.

Some people need a trained eagle and a magic sword to bring justice to evil doers. Personally I think all you need is a coat rack and one of those oily one-legged city pigeons.

Tired of boring, predictable games? Has the same-old-same-old got you down? Well rejoice, for the next Dig Your Own Grave exclusive has arrived! I am so here for you fruitcakes. I am your pusher. I am your fat sweaty sugar daddy. I am the cushion for your pushin. I… might have crossed the line with that last one.

So let’s look at what we have here… A big burly man. Tight pants. No shirt, leather vest. Handlebar mustache. Hangs out with a… bear. Look at that, I solved the mystery of Reemus without even pressing Play.

Ignite People on Fire is the eagerly anticipated sequel to last year’s hit game, Light People on Fire. This version features faster paced gameplay, better special effects, and chubbies. Burn fatty, burn.

Good news OCDers, today we’ve launched a new feature that lets you earn shiny achievements for your profile by playing Dig Your Own Grave games. So get to it! Anyone who doesn’t have them all by the end of the week is, as the French would say, une odeur de cochon avec de petites testicules.

I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is:

a) coated 200 mg Advil tablets.
b) more cowbell.
c) raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

That’s not a knife, this is a… holy crap, wait that is a knife.

The not-so-Ambiguously Gay Duo from the land of Fredricus are back! Reemus and his furry friend (or friend the Furry?) need to find a king, or a princess, or something like that (although I think his priority should be a shirt). Anyways, don’t worry about it, just click stuff. Clickity click, Barba trick.

I always face a bit of a moral quandary when I post a game involving drugs. In the end I usually dedide that it’s not my place to try and tell you whether or not I think drugs are bad. That’s something you have to decide on your own. By taking mountains of drugs. And seeing if they make you feel awesome or not.

I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got the monkey?

Well here I was thinking this was a Halloween game, but turns out those aren’t piles of zombies – they’re piles of clones. I suck. Halloween is ruined.

Ah, sweet sweet crude, aka petroleum, aka “The Black Gold”. Not to be confused with “The Brown Gold”, known to many by it’s consumer name, Nutella. I would smear that stuff into my eyes if it made the taste last longer (it doesn’t, I tried).

Okay, I apologize. I’m sorry I made you read instructions. I’m sorry I made you use your memory. I’m ashamed of myself for trying to make you engage your mental faculties. We can go back to killing things now.

After their journey to the Royal Palace to meet the King, Reemus and Liam rewarded themselves with a weekend spa and deep chemical peeling. Their pores never felt cleaner and tighter, but the bliss would soon come to and end – trouble was lurking not far away…

You know who would be good at this game? This guy.

Press L to submit your score. Use any game mode you want.