The victory of the Mushroom Revolution will be a tangible demonstration before all the Americas that mushrooms are capable of rising up, that they can rise up by themselves right under the very fangs of the monster. It will mean the beginning of the end of colonial domination in America, that is, the definitive beginning of the end for North American imperialism.

For some reason the first totem in this game reminds me of RuBot. And for some reason Rubot reminds me that the end of humanity is nearly upon us. So go ahead and enjoy the game while I try and enjoy the last danish I will possibly ever eat before the machines come to solve my Rubik’s Cube and cut my limbs off.

I was pretty torn up trying to decide who to link to in this post – The Real Life Shopping Cart Hero or my favorite Lil’ Jukebox Hero. And then it got me thinking… in a fight to the death, who would win?

Who do you think this little rascal is chasing down in his dream? I bet it’s a dandelion field full of fluffy bunnies. But I’ll tell you why he should really be running… because I’m after him, and when I catch him I’m going to zurbert that pink little belly of his. It’s all part of my tough love program.

There’s an old saying, “When life gives you lemons, smash those *#$&%s into the ground with the largest club you can find. Fill the streets with their sour citrus blood until not a single one is left whole”. Or… something like that.

When I first read the title of this game I assumed they meant Sass! Zombie Assault, and that all the characters would be… uh.. doing whatever sassy people do. But it gave me the idea that we should have a little game and try to come up with what we think SAS means. First person to give the correct answer is a moron.

Ever since the beginning of THE WAR ON TERROR, one has to be very careful about using the B-word in public. You know what I’m talking about, right? The B-thing that does the e-thing? Yeah? The… you know… a… *cough* bomb *cough* So anyways, this game OH GOD THEY’VE FOUND ME PLEASE I’M A WEBMASTER NOT A TERRORI-

I always face a bit of a moral quandary when I post a game involving drugs. In the end I usually dedide that it’s not my place to try and tell you whether or not I think drugs are bad. That’s something you have to decide on your own. By taking mountains of drugs. And seeing if they make you feel awesome or not.

Yeah, I know it’s old, buy hey – so is your mom!

Snowboarding looks pretty cool, but personally I prefer sports that are performed in a much warmer climate. And don’t require a space helmet for safety. Or bind my legs. Or make me hemorrhage into my skull. I’m just not a big fan of brain swelling.

Okay, I apologize. I’m sorry I made you read instructions. I’m sorry I made you use your memory. I’m ashamed of myself for trying to make you engage your mental faculties. We can go back to killing things now.

Fear not, citizens of Earth! When goofy galactic robots invade, you will be there to fight off the invasion. The government has surgically removed your skeleton to provide you with greater agility, and attached powerful automatic weapons to your hands for combat (they are also auditing you for the 2006 tax year to increase your aggression).

Protect yer ship from th’ oncomin’ hordes. An’ dasn’t ye dare leave a comment without puttin’ ‘t through th’ Buccanneer Translator (ya bilge rat!)

This game is, as the French say, ‘wickedly awesome’. The performance can be pretty bad, so before starting I recommend you go into the game’s configuration menu and turn motion blur and FPS Stability to OFF. Then tape a LEAVE ME ALONE note to the back of your head because you’ve got places to be (your computer) and people to see (zombies).

Like me, have you always felt that Green Arrow was the lamest member of the Justice League? I know he had that hot green suit and the awesome pointy goatee, but the bow-and-arrow seemed like such a silly weapon compared to Superman’s heat vision. Well boy were we wrong! The bow-and-arrow is the best weapon ever!

It is a time of great magic and chivalry. You are an über D&D nerd, sitting behind a… oh wait, I mean you are a brave knight, defending your kingdom from the onslaught of the enemy hordes. Your skills with myspace pages are… oh damn, I mean your skills with the bow-and-arrow are legendary. Go forth and defend your kingdom, brave knight!

You still wake up sometimes, don’t you? Wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the beans?

PS: Who is your favorite bean?

Quite possibly the greatest game in the history of mankind. And probably the only game in the history of eternity to feature a ‘Critical Slap’.

Some people say that violent video games are a bad influence on our children, but I say we should just shoot those people to make them shut up. Try to break the logic in that statement my friends. It’s a little something I like to call absolute brilliance.

If I were a brilliant electrical engineer, I… wait a minute, let me start over… Being one of the world’s most brilliant electrical engineers, I find it silly that people like building robots for fighting. Robots should be created for much more noble purposes, like medical procedures or washing my car.

The rules of the game are simple enough. Destroy everything in your path in the virtual world, all while destroying your ENTER key in the real world. Make sweet love to the wind, and poop out some tornado babies.

This is a 2D version of Valve Software’s innovative game Portal. The goal of the game is to use the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device to complete a series of increasingly difficult room puzzles, all so that you can eat some delicious cake and listen to the crazy Portal song until you throw-up.

I like things with simple self-explanatory titles. Strategy Defense. It just says it all. Strategy, and defense. It’s like my name. Handsome Webmaster. Handsome Wicked-Smart Webmaster, if you count my middle name.

That’s right folks. It’s time for another Dig Your Own Grave exclusive game. I know! It’s totally crazy. We’re pooping these things out like we just ate them for breakfast. This game features some old-skool 3D vector graphics, and a pace so fast that we can actually 100% guarantee you’ll have a stroke. Enjoy!
UPDATE: Now available – Vector Runner iPhone!

I decided that for this year’s Thanksgiving post I would do a Google search for “shoot turkeys and or pilgrims game” and take the first relevant result I could find. And this is it. And it’s also the last time I’m ever going to do that.

I’ll be honest, this game isn’t really what I had imagined when I fantasize about being a zombie. First off, armor? Second, friends? And I had imagined a lot more brain eating. Also – less talking, more groaning.

AAHHHH!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! AAAHHHH? Ah? Ah! Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh…

Did I ever tell you guys I could have been a ninja? I dunno, I just figured being a brain surgeon was a more noble profession. It’s also a lot easier on the joints.

Yeeehaw! It’s time to dust off that cowboy hat and put on your sexiest pair of assless chaps. Thanks to this game, you can now live out your embarrassing wild-west gunslinger fantasy from the safety of your own home. And who knows, if you keep practicing maybe one day you’ll be as good as this guy.

Shooting your friends really isn’t such a big deal. Especially if they’re jerks.

Have you ever fantasized about being the pilot of your very own giant Mech? Well now that perverse fantasy is only a click away! Although if the Mech in your fantasies had the ability to move, you might be a little disappointed.

My favorite part of tower defense games is that 30 seconds between waves. Some people like to use the time to upgrade their units, but I like to use it to take a breather from the game and do something in the real world. Like make out with a supermodel, or maybe go online and buy a new yacht.

Finally, a game that scientists and creationists can both enjoy equally. The logical among you will appreciate the realistic simulation of the Laws of Physics, while the faithful can marvel at the mystical crayon powered by the magic of Jesus.

See that guy on the left? That’s your enemy. Now I don’t know about you, but if I looked like that I would chew off my own leg and use it to beat every living thing within eyesight into a coma. Be glad you’ve got that chain mail armor, my friends.

And here we are, screwed again by gravity. Seriously, name one good thing about gravity. Going to the bathroom? Hmmmm… okay, maybe gravity’s not so bad.

Storm the House 3… errr.. *cough* excuse me, Stickman Madness 3 is finally out!

Since what I wrote for the last Sling Jumper post confused so many people, this is actually the perfect opportunity for me to try and clarify. 1) Some folks call it a slingblade, Karl calls it a kaiserblade. 2) Karl likes french fried pertaters.

Consider yourself schooled.

There is really no reason to fear us zombies. We’re just like you. We like sleeping in late. We read the paper in the morning over a danish and a cup of dark roast. Okay, it’s a brain danish. And a cup of dark brains. And it’s not so much “sleeping” as it is hunting human flesh. But it’s all good, we’re cool homie. What’d you say your address was?

Shift 3 is out! Now featuring Adventure Mode. Plus some groovy player packs! And a pack of Lime Jello! Plus a 3-way sprocket wrench! And a hooker!

I’m convinced that mechanical engineers are warlocks. Burn them at the stake!

That’s not a knife, this is a… holy crap, wait that is a knife.

Don’t you think this game would be better if it had some color matching?

To get an idea of what playing this game is like on a laptop touchpad, copy the following simple steps:

1) If you are right-handed, place the mouse in your left hand (or vise versa).
2) Wrap the mouse cord around your neck and leap out the nearest window.

Molten lava is no laughing matter. Unless you pour it down your friend’s pants – then it’s hilarious!

Relieve your childhood dreams in this surrealistic art game. Now… not to split hairs, but my childhood dreams usually involved Transformers and GI Joe. Maybe they show up in the later levels?

If my deep understanding of women has taught me one thing, it’s that women love guys with big trucks. And beer bellies. So play hard at this game, and start drinking cheap beer as soon as local law will allow.

I have been called many things in my time… lover, fighter, hero, douchebag, and yes, even a maverick.

It’s time to dust off your copy of Hagakure and put that warrior spirit to good use. There’s a plague of evil wannabe samurais loose in the fields, and they need their bodies separated from their heads – post haste!

I’m on your side when times get rough, and friends just can’t be found. Like a wooden path over a somewhat turbulent stream.

Running, lasers, upgrades, giant flying saucers, etc. etc. But in other news, did you know that if you leave lettuce in your fridge for long enough, it turns into a liquid? Smells too.

It’s a proven scientific fact that whenever you combine two things, it makes a new thing that’s better than both the original things. Like for instance, a side-scrolling shooter and a tower defense game. Or say, a golden retriever puppy and a stripper. That’s cute and sexy. Oh, but… crap, does that mean I’m a furry?

Well here I was thinking this was a Halloween game, but turns out those aren’t piles of zombies – they’re piles of clones. I suck. Halloween is ruined.

I think we can all agree that Zombie Baseball is about 100% more entertaining than regular baseball. But let’s be honest, clipping your toenails is also about 100% more entertaining than regular baseball.

Finally, a little game for the Emo in all of us.

Main Entry: rage
Pronunciation: \ˈrāj\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin rabia, from Latin rabies rage, madness, from rabere to be mad; to be forced to wear pants

In the highly anticipated sequel to Storm the House 2, more advanced storming algorithms combined with the latest in cutting-edge house rendering technology provide the player with a completely new* gaming experience.

*similar

Does anyone remember that old board game Crossbows and Catapults? I loved that game so much it made me enjoy childhood despite the constant beatings.

A game based on animals performing ritual suicide is great and all, but to make it really excellent there needs to be a way to make all the cats go first.

You guys really seemed to like that Fantastic Contraption game, so I thought you might enjoy this one too. Personally, I haven’t tried it – way too many buttons. I only need two buttons in my games, PLAY and LAUNCH TACTICAL NUCLEAR WARHEADS.

Sweep the leg. No mercy.

Don’t get excited by the name you perverts. This game has nothing to do with whipping it out and everything to do with street-fightin’, ass-whoopin’, name-takin’, and bad-spellin’. Do you have what it takes to flash harder and longer than everyone else?

Pop open the bubbly, it’s time to celebrate! Fans of Boxhead: More Rooms are sure to enjoy ‘2Play’, the next installment in the box zombie series. And if you’re lucky enough to have a friend sitting beside you, or perhaps a conjoined twin, then you can also enjoy the new co-op and deathmatch modes!

Don’t ask me how to play because I didn’t bother reading the instructions either. Just make your own pixel monster, press some buttons, and at some point take a screenshot so you can show him off to the rest of us. My guy over there is modelled off of me in that he is very skilled at smashing things but at the same time not nearly as good-looking.

Drunken souls… gosh, such a nuisance. I swear I get the apartment sprayed at least once and month and they still keep coming back.