What a disappointment. Before I played this I imagined the game would feature some emo pixels binge eating mac and cheese, and then shoving little pixel fingers into their mouths before having a box of ex-lax for dinner. Maybe even cutting their little pixel arms with a little pixel blade? Meh, I guess it’s okay this way too.

So what would you do if you could clone yourself? Most people would probably send their clone to work in their place, but that would just mean mine would be sitting here on the couch beside me all day. And I definitely don’t want that, because he smells like old salami and he keeps putting his hand on my leg.

It’s like the Special Olympics for your fingers.

Well fruitcakes, another Christmas is upon us. I hope yours is very merry and you have a safe and happy time over the holidays. And always remember the lessons the baby jesus has taught us: it is your birthright to receive gifts today, and webmasters are super sexy.

If there’s one thing that the internet has taught us over these past few years, it’s that it’s fun and perfectly safe to play with fire.

Going back to yesterday’s discussion about RPGs, I will say they do have one common upside – no techno soundtracks.

Traversed by a grey skinned fellow,
With tusks a whiteish-yellow,
and kisses like shots of Grape Jello.

1. Everyone knows that Omega Supreme is awesome, and yes, he should have been in every episode.
2. Everyone knows that the Autobots lived in Metroplex. Robots need cities too.
3. Everyone knows the Dinobots came from the dinosaur times, and there’s nothing strange about that.

Merry Christmas Fruitcakes!

PS: If you don’t celebrate Christmas, have a happy Tuesday anyways. Oh yeah, and the baby Jesus hates you.

What would it really be like if toys came to life? Not pleasant.

(NSFW because of swearing)

Ah, Death by Hinge. Not quite as desirable as Death by Puppies, but still a preferred alternative to Death by Frilled Shark if you ask me.

This game is similar to the falling sand game. Half of you will hate it and will probably say I suck, because the game has no point. The other half will fall in to a relaxation induced coma while learning about gravity and/or magnetism.

There’s been so much shooting and violence here lately that I thought it might be nice to play a game that’s just all about a little red ball, and drawing with a fat marker, and relaxing clunking sounds, and really really really awful music. Throw in a pork burrito and I’m pretty much in heaven.

This game is not Pacman. It is something far better. It is Pacxon. Do not play Pacxon if you are sensitive to or have ever had an allergic reaction to it. Do not play Pacxon for at least 14 days after taking a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAO inhibitor) such as the antidepressants Nardil and Parnate. Pacxon and MAO inhibitors may interact to cause a sharp, potentially life-threatening rise in blood pressure.

Question 1: When you guys ask me to put up a game, what do I do? Answer: I put it up. Question 2: Why do I do that? Answer: Because I love you like a fat kid loves cake. Question 3: Why am I so awesome? Answer: Not entirely sure, maybe genetics.

If I built a castle and it looked even half as silly as some of these, I would construct a trebuchet using the bones of my wife, the tendons from my children, and the hide of my dog. I would launch my own body at the castle over and over until it was completely destroyed and any trace of the shame it brought to me was erased from existence.

If I had a Hi-Fi, I’d listen to this Weird Al song all day.

If you love trousers made of leather, or just not wearing any trousers at all, you’ll love this song. Yama yama ha.

I have never really understood the tower defense games, but by golly they are fun. And I don’t understand what is the deal with the elements, so someone feel free to enlighten me on that. It says the creator of this game has scored 90 points. I scored 11. Less is better right?

Oh sure, it’s cool now, but just wait until it forms a giant solid metal spear and stabs you in the throat.

This game demands to be played while puffing on a toy bubble pipe and wearing a musty tweed smoking jacket.

PS: Sorry if you’ve been getting hammered with popups today. I am trying to track down the offending advertiser.

I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is:

a) coated 200 mg Advil tablets.
b) more cowbell.
c) raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

Although the medicinal effects of popping balloons have never been scientifically proven, the South African Supahfa-izzle tribe have been using the technique for over a century. Critically ill tribe members are give a large pin and placed in an enclosure filled with giant, colorful balloons. And although the patients still die, at least they die smelling of balloons.

I almost feel like I need to apologize for this post.

Here are another 50 levels of Bloons, but this time they are created by the fans. I haven’t gotten that far, but some of these levels seem pretty ridonculous. I don’t know about you, but if I were making a Bloons level it would have 5 balloons, 20 darts, and you’d be able to kill that damn monkey.

The Monkey is back. He laughs at your suffering.

As if Mondays weren’t bad enough already…

hhheeeeeeeeeee’ssssss baaaaaaack…

Ghosts aren’t as scary in the light, which is why I have all my rooms bathed in 15-million candlepower spotlights. Incidentally, that’s probably why I can’t see colours anymore.

No matter how cute you try and draw a cartoon hedgehog, it will never, ever, ever ever ever, look as cute as a real life hedgehog. I think it’s one of the laws of physics.

If you’ve got a thirst for thrill rides even more dangerous than those manned by travelling carnies, head on down to Indiana and give Joph Ivers’ backyard coaster a try.

Today in the US, it is Presidents Day. A day we celebrate in honor of George Washington, the first President of the United States of America. To pay him our respect, we sleep a lot, don’t do any work, and refuse to bathe or wear pants.

Shooting your friends really isn’t such a big deal. Especially if they’re jerks.

Being a world renowned brain surgeon, I will be the first to admit that my specialty isn’t viral medicine. However, I am educated in the subject enough to tell you that this is exactly how doctors battle viral outbreaks in real life. It’s science!

Finally, a game that scientists and creationists can both enjoy equally. The logical among you will appreciate the realistic simulation of the Laws of Physics, while the faithful can marvel at the mystical crayon powered by the magic of Jesus.

Gregory Pike, of Santa Barbara, California, likes to play God. He has constructed a walking animal pyramid out of creatures that cartoons have shown us to be mortal enemies.

Here is the eagerly anticipated summer-blockbuster game Bowman 2. Not that I’ve ever played Bowman 1, but I’m sure this one is miles ahead in both special effects and plot twists. Be sure to try ‘Bird Hunting’ mode; pretend they’re all pigeons and exterminate with extreme prejiduce!

You fruitcakes asked for it, and now you’ve got it: Nanaca†Crash!!. So pause that episode of The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and put down your Jigglypuff doll. It’s time to save the world, crazy-ass Japanese style!

Do you hate balls? How about primary colors? Circles get you down? Then for the love of god don’t go anywhere near this game. It hates you as much as you hate it and it will sleep with your wife, make friends with your children, and tell your boss what you really do at work all day.

One step up on the neo-retro evolutionary scale from Dot Action 2!, comes the pixelriffic Gamma Bros. A story of two brothers and… I’m not sure actually, seeing as there’s no story. Let’s just say they’re looking for their lost parents. Space parents. And there’s an evil villain. Probably a giant space cat.

If you’re having trouble getting the hang of this one, try pretending that the forcefield is actually my rock hard abs, and that the missiles are the fists of super-villains. A more realistic situation like that is probably easier to relate to than all the spaceship mumbo-jumbo.

My favorite part of the game is the way he lies there shivering at the bottom of the stairs. Poor little fella… Somebody give that stickman a cuddle!

Bringing the F-U-N back into racial segregation!

Well here’s your last game for 2007. And there have been so many games! So which one was your favorite? Vector Runner? How about besides Vector Runner? Oh, the Huge Manatee? Oh gosh, you guys flatter me.

There is a stinky grey coconut shaped thing inside your skull. Some people call it a “brain” although you may have heard it referred to as “the enemy of the thing in your pants” or perhaps “your greatest disapointment”. Anyways, you’re going to need it for this one…

This one’s a bit like Unreal Tournament, only without that overrated third dimension. And without limbs either. Those are overrated too.

This is a 2D version of Valve Software’s innovative game Portal. The goal of the game is to use the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device to complete a series of increasingly difficult room puzzles, all so that you can eat some delicious cake and listen to the crazy Portal song until you throw-up.

It’s just like Risk, only faster and funner. And you don’t have to talk to people. And I can’t stop playing it. Every time another side takes over one of my areas my rage is so great I want to rip their dice right out of the computer monitor and devour them. And every time my dice win I want to hug them and squeeze them until they explode! Such joy!

If right now you have the option of trying this game or instead heading to the bathroom and smoking a giant brick of crack cocaine, I would highly recommend that sweet, sweet crack cocaine. It’s scientifically proven to be less addictive, and who needs teeth anyways?

We haven’t done a puzzle game for a while have we? I’m pretty sure we haven’t. This game was originally created ten thousand years ago circa 21 A.D. by ancient Mesopotamian goat farmers as a way to pass the time between their morning chores and Viking attacks. Aaaaaaaand… I just made that up.

I’ll tell you when the suffering will end. It ends when that monkey is lying face-down in a pool of his own blood.

Physics + Balls = Edutainment.

If I were a brilliant electrical engineer, I… wait a minute, let me start over… Being one of the world’s most brilliant electrical engineers, I find it silly that people like building robots for fighting. Robots should be created for much more noble purposes, like medical procedures or washing my car.