I’m assuming those annoying things with the horns eventually evolved into unicorns? Or maybe rhinos? Oh wait… no… OMG GROSS THOSE AREN’T HORNS

I was going to post a quote from Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, but I remembered last time I did that everyone thought I was getting married in two days.

PS: There’s a bug with highscore submission: If you’re playing more than once, refresh the page each time you play if you want your scores to submit.

If I built a castle and it looked even half as silly as some of these, I would construct a trebuchet using the bones of my wife, the tendons from my children, and the hide of my dog. I would launch my own body at the castle over and over until it was completely destroyed and any trace of the shame it brought to me was erased from existence.

From the creator of PEL, comes Alphabre…eh… Alphabeh… Alphabrekika… comes a brand new game.

Going back to yesterday’s discussion about RPGs, I will say they do have one common upside – no techno soundtracks.

In Peekaboo – SaveAnAlien, it’s your job to save little alien clones by… uh… electrocuting them with probes? Oh, and Peekaboo!

Halitosis, more commonly referred to as “bad breath”, can be quite a serious problem if one isn’t vigilant about maintaining proper oral hygiene. Thankfully, I can say that it’s never been a problem for me. Isn’t that right ladies? Uh… ladies?

DYOG Commenting Rules Article 5, subsection 2: Any member using the comments section to refer to a game as ‘easy’ does so with full understanding that such comment is in fact an admission that their mother is actually the one that is ‘easy’. So easy in fact, that she is manager in charge of easiness at the Easy Factory in Easington.

The title of this game promised me cursors. When I read “Cursor Chaos” I picture an orgy of multi-colored arrows, hourglasses, and pointing fingers, all shooting me, shooting each other, insulting my mother, crying, peeing on my couch, and making out with Cindy Seabrook in the closet. I’m not going to lie, I was a little disappointed.

Not satisfied with their growing crime syndicate of denim thievery, rogue pandas are now branching into space travel to continue their illicit activities outside the watchful eye of the law.

Anyone who’s at least 400 years old like I am might remember my favorite childhood nursery rhyme, “Roly Poly pudding and blackberry pie…”. This game reminded me of that, so I used the google to find out what roly-poly is. Turns out it’s actually a disgusting bug. My childhood was a lie.

Here at Dig Your Own Grave I like things to be not just entertaining, but also educational. That’s why I sometimes provide interesting facts to go along with the posts. For instance, have you ever wondered what would happen if a pinball machine and a raw fish got together and made sweet sweet love?

Ah pew pew pew? Why yes, ah pew pew pew.

It’s not like I enjoy putting up games that can’t be played by the color blind, it’s just that… well… I’ll be honest, I do enjoy it. I enjoy it very much.

I have no idea how to submit scores in this game and that giant hand looks way too much like a spider for me to want to stick around and figure it out. You’re on your own kids! I’m off to get a burrito and a Thai massage. Okay, maybe just a burrito.

Bonus points for anyone who knows what I named the achievements after – without using a search engine. And without sacrificing their heterosexuality, which might be impossible. (That was a clue).

PS: You submit your score in the stats menu.

This game, much like your mom, requires Flash Player 10 or it’s going to go all menopausal on you.

I’ve always felt there’s no better way to start off the weekend than by getting beaten in a game involving a paddle. And in other news, I think I just got fired. No, wait – I’m the only one that works here. We’re all good.

The most annoying thing about monstars is that they’re scary and occupy valuable closet space. The most annoying thing about Death is that he’s always trying to end my life and sometimes he forgets to flush. So Death wins this round in my books.

Well today is President’s Day in the US, and we all know what that means. It means I can sit here on my couch in pantless glory until midnight and nobody can say a damn thing about it. Sometimes I like to refer to this particular holiday by it’s more common name – “Monday”.

So the other day this pretty influential guy was talking to me, and he was like, “Admin, you are so super cool the way you make games and stuff”. And I was like, “Thanks God, you’re pretty cool yourself, the way you created the universe and stuff. Oh, except for the part where you made testicles on the outside.” Seriously, what’s up with that?

Now the way I was raised, the term “Eskimo” is not considered very politically correct. The preferred term is actually “Inuit”. And we all know what that means – it’s time for you to rise up and fight this injustice. And it’s time for me to see what’s on the Tivo.

Personally I was hoping to evolve an extra eyeball or maybe a second head, but I guess a monocle is pretty cool too. Chicks love monocles.

I was pretty torn up trying to decide who to link to in this post – The Real Life Shopping Cart Hero or my favorite Lil’ Jukebox Hero. And then it got me thinking… in a fight to the death, who would win?

Pip, Pip, Cheerio!

Well here’s your last game for 2007. And there have been so many games! So which one was your favorite? Vector Runner? How about besides Vector Runner? Oh, the Huge Manatee? Oh gosh, you guys flatter me.

Finally a game that takes me back to my roots! Anyone who says they can beat my top average speed of 0.192 seconds will be accused of lying, sentenced to death, executed, reincarnated as a sheep, and promptly tranquilized by me in well under point 2 seconds. I am just that good.

Always wished you could juggle? Me neither, but give it a try it anyways. And as an added bonus you get to see what happens to your eyes when you don’t blink for 5 minutes straight. Fun! Fun! Fun!

It’s been a while since we put up a shooter, but before you start hammering your spacebar back into the stone ages, read the instructions. The point of this one is to build up points by doing combos. Using your mouse you can lock onto multiple targets at once and blow them to bits with a single shot. The more points you get, the longer the game lasts.

People, this is a donkey that kicks poo. Why are you even reading this? Get to it!

I hate to disappoint you guys, but today’s game has nothing to do with defecation or flatulation. But you know, that’s what imaginations are for, right? Like right now I’m imagining that I’m sitting in a beanbag chair with no pants on. And it’s totally awesome.

There are two distinct things you hear while playing this game. The first is the oddly enjoyable soundtrack, and the second sound, which is sort of like a high pitched whine, is your eyes drying up into little white raisins because you haven’t blinked for the past 10 minutes.

The rules of the game are simple enough. Destroy everything in your path in the virtual world, all while destroying your ENTER key in the real world. Make sweet love to the wind, and poop out some tornado babies.

Next time you have a hard day at the office, try firing up this game when you get home and smashing some cities. Waaaaaaaaaaaaay more effective than yoga my friends.

It’s just like Star Wars, but with rafts instead of stars. Also, no lightsabers.

Bringing the F-U-N back into racial segregation!

Merry Christmas Fruitcakes!

PS: If you don’t celebrate Christmas, have a happy Tuesday anyways. Oh yeah, and the baby Jesus hates you.

Boom Chicka Boom. Chicka Chicka Boom Boom.

Put on your yalmulka, here comes Hanukkah. It’s so much fun-akkah to celebrate Hanukkah.

I implore you, EAT THE COOKIES FASTER.

I’ve got nothing folks. Here we have yet another game featuring a screen full of balls, but after all these years there is not a single joke left in the great Encyclopedia Balltanica. I am in desperate need of some new material! Maybe someone could create a game where you have to strangle chickens? Or punish a naughty monkey…

There is a common misconception that pandas are cute and cuddly, but a select few of us know the real truth: pandas are bastards. They’re only interested in three things: stealing, panda gangbangs, and sneezing. Shoot on sight I say!

If you played the prequel to this game, 3 Hours in an Outhouse Tank, you may be hesitant to give this one a try. Understandable, but I can assure you that 3 Minutes on the Beach is a much more relaxing and enjoyable experience. Unless you’re into that outhouse stuff, pervert.

Folks, it’s time to take your Xtreme sports pastime to the next level. Leave your parachute at home, but don’t forget a bag of Doritos and a six-pack of Monster Energy Drink. We’re going Cliff Diving. Xtreme Cliff Divingâ„¢.

Your wildest Plinko fantasies have just come true.

Well fruitcakes, another Christmas is upon us. I hope yours is very merry and you have a safe and happy time over the holidays. And always remember the lessons the baby jesus has taught us: it is your birthright to receive gifts today, and webmasters are super sexy.

Simple enough. Spin around and collect the stars. Green is good, red is bad. It’s like Christmas in space! Without presents!

Thanks to a bit of fancypants new technology, you can now submit highscores for some games – like this one – without a screenshot. Just login and submit your score in-game at the end. And it’s also got an achievement! That’s right kiddos, Christmas did just come early.

This game is exciting! I got to stage 9 before I took one to the chest. Don’t expect to get as far as me though unless you have lived a hardened life on the street and dodged bullets in real life. I’ve taken a few to the chest in real life too and lived to tell about it. Calm down ladies, there’s plenty to go around, just send in an application.

Admittedly, this game isn’t my #1 paddle related pastime, however it is a close second.

If you’re anything like me, the first thing that comes to mind when you hear ‘pool’, is ’swimming pool’. And thinking of a swimming pool makes me want to pee in it, because it’s such a warm, friendly feeling. And by this point I’ve usually wet my pants.

Does anyone remember that old board game Crossbows and Catapults? I loved that game so much it made me enjoy childhood despite the constant beatings.

Oh noes! You’re the switchboard operator at a hugely important company, and the phones are ringing off the hook! And because your boss didn’t purchase Nortel’s Business Communication System, you’re pretty much going to have to cut off your eyelids just to make it through the day. BLINKING IS FAILURE.

Welcome to the offices of Gung-Ho Ltd., a company where subordinate workers slave 14 hours a day to assemble plastic products with badly spelled labels. If this game hits a little too close to home, I apologize. If you’re still in school, well… welcome to your future!

Here’s another game with hypnotically soothing music. But don’t be fooled! It’s only purpose is to mask the sound of the tendons in your wrist crying out in pain.

Use the ‘SCORE’ value for highscores.

Way back in 1972, a company called Atari released what many people believe was the first ever video game. And today, 36 years of human and technological advancement has finally brought us the sequel.

Okay, I realize yesterday’s game might have been a little too academic for some, so today we’re just going to blow holes in stuff. Blow holes in your knowledge of architecture and geography that is! Huzzah!

Live ordinance falling all around you. Fat guy in speedo behind you. Girls beach volleyball tournament ahead in the distance. Run, my friends. Run.

In today’s adventure you’re a lowly fly, flying your way through a big bad machine. And if you see any dog poop on the way – what the heck, take a few bites. Let’s see what all that fuss is about.

Missile Command + magnetic fields + eye of newt + 2 tbsp salt = M.I.R.C!

I WAS IN THE POOL! I WAS IN THE POOL!!!

What would you do if you owned a real life UFO? Take a trip to the moon? Abduct some cows? Right at this moment, I personally would take it to Dairy Queen. Peanut Buster Parfaits and chicks – need I say more?

I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is:

a) coated 200 mg Advil tablets.
b) more cowbell.
c) raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

And so The Great Fish Week of 2008 comes to a close. Truthfully, I’m a little sad. We had some good times with those slimey little guys, but all good things must come to an end. Anyways, I gotta get this trout out of my pants now.

(Use your prettiest fishiest picture for the highscores!)

Grab the parrot, throw on your sexiest pair of tights, and buckle your swashes (swash your buckles?) – there is treasure to be found, but only the fastest pirate gets the boot-boot-booty.

Jump from skull to skull to make your way down the river. You know, just how you’d make your way down a river in real life.

Remember that crazy Snowball game from a couple years ago? Well it’s back, and now it’s in glorious 3D. Use your giant icy balls to defeat the forces of evil in the Olympic Kingdom.

If you’re having trouble with the keys, you need to update your Flash Player.

If I had known gold digging was this easy I might have considered another career path. Being a male model can be so tiresome…

Phew! Check this game out. I haven’t seen that many polar bears since the Furry Convention back in Schaumburg last year. Not that I was there or anything. I just heard about it from some friends who were there. Friends who aren’t Furries. Friends of friends, actually. I’m completely hairless truth be told.

There’s an old saying, “When life gives you lemons, smash those *#$&%s into the ground with the largest club you can find. Fill the streets with their sour citrus blood until not a single one is left whole”. Or… something like that.

You fruitcakes asked for it, and now you’ve got it: Nanaca†Crash!!. So pause that episode of The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and put down your Jigglypuff doll. It’s time to save the world, crazy-ass Japanese style!

Aggressive Alpine Skiing mixes guns, skiing, radical jumps and an original soundtrack reminiscent of bad European techno. Awesome!

Mondays… Now I don’t want to be at work any more than you do, but there are easier ways to get fired. So put your pants back on and let’s do it the right way by playing flying hamster games on the company dime. This one is a lot like Kitten Cannon, only it’s a little less random because you can use your mouse to control how the hamster glides.

Here’s a fluffy white snowball game to start off your week. The object of the game is to roll your balls so that they are at least as big as my balls. And mine, if I hadn’t mentioned it already, are absolutely gigantic. You have your mission.

You might think that because this game is called ‘Red’ that it has something to do with Communism. And you would be absolutely right. I base that statement on nothing other than extreme paranoia and what some have called a ‘wild, dangerous’ imagination. Use your breast-shaped turret to blast those commie rocks back into the potato fields of Mother Russia. Freedom and Democracy are counting on you!

What is it about kittens that makes a person want to let them plummet to their deaths, or to fire them out of a cannon?

If there’s one thing that bees love, its coins. And stinging other bees. And thus is the paradox of your life as a bee. Collecting coins but not getting stung by your fellow bees while you do it. And rocking hard, don’t forget you always got to rock it hard.

Woo-hoo, 16 mini-games all rolled into one. Does this mean I can take the next 16 days off?

Don’t ask me how to play because I didn’t bother reading the instructions either. Just make your own pixel monster, press some buttons, and at some point take a screenshot so you can show him off to the rest of us. My guy over there is modelled off of me in that he is very skilled at smashing things but at the same time not nearly as good-looking.

With the imminent deployment of the National Missile Defense System, the great country of America no longer needs to fear the once dreaded “Mutually Assured Destruction” doomsday scenario. Now we can focus our fears on issues closer to home, such as, “Is there something under my bed?”, “Will I die alone?”, and “OMG I just burped in her face I hope she couldn’t smell that”.

You may have wanted to kill yourself while playing Paint Wars, but it was necessary in order to get your wrist in tip-top shape for today’s game. You see? I wasn’t doing it to punish you, I’m just trying to make you into a better gamer. And give you carpal tunnel syndrome. Play on medium or hard for highscores.

Although every fiber of my being rejects the concept of defending cabbage, those rabbits are freaky looking enough that I can still make this work. All thanks to my belief that anything ugly should be destroyed.

Luminara is the by-product of Ellipsis and the classic arcade game Asteroids getting together and making sweet, sweet, videogame love. And it’s not gross, it’s a perfectly natural way for two videogames to show that they love each other.

Grab your quad-laser, because it’s time to deliver a beat down to a bunch of squares! And I apologize in advance if that concept brings back bad memories for any of you.

I decided that for this year’s Thanksgiving post I would do a Google search for “shoot turkeys and or pilgrims game” and take the first relevant result I could find. And this is it. And it’s also the last time I’m ever going to do that.

I think we can all agree that Zombie Baseball is about 100% more entertaining than regular baseball. But let’s be honest, clipping your toenails is also about 100% more entertaining than regular baseball.

I’m not sure that this game is any good or not, but damned if it isn’t the most relaxing thing I’ve ever played. The sounds are really gentle, and even the enemies are all slow and laid back. They’re like, “Chill dude, we’re coming to get you, we’re just gonna grab some lunch first; haven’t eaten all day mon amigo!”

If right now you have the option of trying this game or instead heading to the bathroom and smoking a giant brick of crack cocaine, I would highly recommend that sweet, sweet crack cocaine. It’s scientifically proven to be less addictive, and who needs teeth anyways?

It’s not as pretty as Storm the House, but it’s a little easier to play. And you get to blast helicopters. Would it cause you discomfort to know that the helicopters are piloted by puppies and kittens? It’s true. And they’re awfully cute. In fact I think they’re wearing bow-ties! Adorable!

What do you get when you cross the classic stylings of Asteroids with Macromedia Flash, 32 bit color, love, modern peripherals, a webmaster who only wears pants by court order, and delicious carrot cake? A frickin’ good time, that’s what.

We haven’t done a puzzle game for a while have we? I’m pretty sure we haven’t. This game was originally created ten thousand years ago circa 21 A.D. by ancient Mesopotamian goat farmers as a way to pass the time between their morning chores and Viking attacks. Aaaaaaaand… I just made that up.

A little earlier tonight I found this odd little game, played it, and decided it stunk. It’s been about 3 hours now and for some reason I still haven’t stopped playing it. I’m getting really hungry, I’m pretty sure I’ve wet myself at least twice, and I think the kitchen’s on fire. But I’m up to 360 points! 360. Believe it.

Click… click.click..clickclick click.. click. clickclickclickclick. Click your way to a painful yet well-deserved RSI in this pretty little mouse-clicker. Honestly, I’ve never been so mad at a yellow square before in my life. By the way, Level 21 is as high as you can get. Why? Because that’s as far as I got and nobody is better than me. Duh.

Here is a little St. Patrick’s Day themed 4 leaf clover game. Hurry up and find those clovers before a leprechaun crawls up your leg and bites your privates!

Okay smarty pants, here is a grade 3 US geography game for you. I dare anyone to beat my high score of 22/48. That may not seem very good but keep in mind I’m a little drunk, and by ‘a little’ I mean ‘fantastically’. Also, my co-workers keep coming into my cubicle and distracting me so it’s hard to concentrate.

In my version of heaven, I’m running around buck naked in a town painted in all primary colors. Every time I push three like-colored objects together they explode in a shower of skittles and puppy dog kisses, to the sound of wind chimes and children’s laughter. Oh, and there are strippers everywhere.

You know it’s going to be an awesome week when you start it off by popping massive quantities of pills.

So long as there is breath in my lungs and movement in my fingers, I will never be able to resist the siren song of the colored block game.

I’ll be honest with you, I haven’t taken the time to figure out if all the levers and dials in this game actually do anything special. I’m a busy man, I’ve got important things to do, and this chest isn’t going to shave itself.

With my busy schedule of rocket sciencetry and supermodel dating, I find it hard to get out and treasure hunt like I used to. And to be honest, being a multi-billionaire has kind of taken the excitement out of finding chests of gold.

A little stock tip for you guys: don’t trade in your Google shares for ‘precious sparkle gems’. Turns out that’s not even a real form of currency.

Today’s game is brought to you by the colors red, green, and blue. And by the letter M. And by plasma weapons.

Just look at all those sad faces. Thankfully it’s not an Elliott Smith concert, it’s just the new hit game Blocky! Now it’s up to your to free all those frowns or who knows what they’ll do. Thank goodness they don’t have arms…

Here is yet another games about balls. It’s creator goes by the name of Robin K. I just want to make sure you’re clear on this, since holding the #1 spot on the leaderboard will obviously make you the undisputed master of Robin K’s Balls.

The time has come again my friends. It’s time to whoop some stickman ass. These dudes went and shot down the Chickencopter! Nobody shoots down the Chickencopter and gets away with it.

Good news, it’s time to finally put your civil engineering degree to use. Somebody needs you to build the tallest tower in the world, and they don’t care if you use the earthquake building codes as toilet paper. So what are you waiting for? Get off your duff and get into that crane!

One step up on the neo-retro evolutionary scale from Dot Action 2!, comes the pixelriffic Gamma Bros. A story of two brothers and… I’m not sure actually, seeing as there’s no story. Let’s just say they’re looking for their lost parents. Space parents. And there’s an evil villain. Probably a giant space cat.

This one is easy enough, and it’s also a good test of your hand-mouse-eye coordination. Just click on the discs while your cursor is hidden. If you miss, you lose (and somewhere in the world a puppy dies).

Boomshine is another great suggestion from our Forums. Turn up the soothing music, click the circles, and watch them s-plode. And remember, you can never actually lose in this game, you can only quit. You’re not a quitter are you?