I was going to post a quote from Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, but I remembered last time I did that everyone thought I was getting married in two days.

PS: There’s a bug with highscore submission: If you’re playing more than once, refresh the page each time you play if you want your scores to submit.

I know you guys think I spend all my time oil wrestling supermodels and saving forest animals from the California wildfires, but honestly that’s only about 95% of my day. The other 5% I spend making terrific games like this one. It’s sort of a retro post-apocalyptic shooter with – UH OH GISELE HAS ME IN AN ARMBAR BRB

After their last epic breast – sorry, quest – our heroes struggle to rebuild their devastated world. But behind the scenes an ambitious man gathers an army of breasts and machines, rampaging across… wait, beasts and machines. Not wanting to allow these jugs – thugs – to… you know, just nevermind.

It may take you a few tries, but finishing this one is almost as satisfying as getting the cake song at the end of Portal.

Genesis 19: Total insanity.

(NSFW because of swearing)

I’ve played this game for a while now and although I have seen many many booms I have not seen a single vector. As an experienced game developer I would like to recommend some names that might be a bit more appropriate – for instance, just “Boom”, or “Space Boom”, or maybe “Vince Shlomi and the Sham Wows”.

Hey, you know what else is complete? YOUR FAILURE TO PLEASE ME. Guys, it is already 2 days into summer and I have yet to receive a fruit basket.

I often dream I am falling, and wake up having fallen from the bed. Psychology tells me this is due to deep seated insecurities, but I say it’s because I sleep on a coffee table covered in baby oil.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m not a big fan of fantasy RPGs, but I heard this one is pretty fun. Honestly I couldn’t get very far into it, as soon as I saw the anime-eyed pirate fighting the puffy cat cloud my gaydar exploded.

I had no idea that the King was such a SpongeBob pervert.

Can Charlie save the future, all the while declining the advances of a particularly possessive starfish?

The Cylons were created by Dinosaurs. They rebelled. They evolved. They look – and feel – Dinosaur. Some are programmed to think they are Dinosaur. There are many copies. And they have a plan.

Ah pew pew pew? Why yes, ah pew pew pew.

The most annoying thing about monstars is that they’re scary and occupy valuable closet space. The most annoying thing about Death is that he’s always trying to end my life and sometimes he forgets to flush. So Death wins this round in my books.

So the other day this pretty influential guy was talking to me, and he was like, “Admin, you are so super cool the way you make games and stuff”. And I was like, “Thanks God, you’re pretty cool yourself, the way you created the universe and stuff. Oh, except for the part where you made testicles on the outside.” Seriously, what’s up with that?

Well today is ‘Wednesday’, or as I like to call it, ‘21hoursuntilLOSTday’. If you are a fan of obsessed with the show, you may find this amusing. If you are not, you may find this a huge waste of 5 minutes of your time.

I had my own real life ultimate crab battle once. Actually it wasn’t that bad, you just get this special shampoo and it clears it right up.

Now the way I was raised, the term “Eskimo” is not considered very politically correct. The preferred term is actually “Inuit”. And we all know what that means – it’s time for you to rise up and fight this injustice. And it’s time for me to see what’s on the Tivo.

I was pretty torn up trying to decide who to link to in this post – The Real Life Shopping Cart Hero or my favorite Lil’ Jukebox Hero. And then it got me thinking… in a fight to the death, who would win?

From the creator of PEL, comes Alphabre…eh… Alphabeh… Alphabrekika… comes a brand new game.

Pip, Pip, Cheerio!

The victory of the Mushroom Revolution will be a tangible demonstration before all the Americas that mushrooms are capable of rising up, that they can rise up by themselves right under the very fangs of the monster. It will mean the beginning of the end of colonial domination in America, that is, the definitive beginning of the end for North American imperialism.

This game reminded me of two things that you kids will eventually learn as you get a little older: 1) sometimes grownups want to be stuck inside their apartments, and 2) product barcodes are used by the government as a way to communicate our DNA sequences to aliens for the purpose of cloning an empire of galactic slaves.

What do you get when you combine a nuclear holocaust, zombies, Bomberman for the Nintendo, 3 under-ripened tomatoes, and bottle of Valentin Bianchi Cabernet Sauvignon?

Honestly, I have no idea. Possibly a decent spaghetti sauce.

Your wildest Plinko fantasies have just come true.

If you have OCD, playing this game is the equivalent of eating a gasoline and match sandwich with a side of firecrackers. You will literally play this game until you’ve ruined Christmas.

Technology is really starting to freak me out. I even hear they have Internet on computers now.

Thanks to a bit of fancypants new technology, you can now submit highscores for some games – like this one – without a screenshot. Just login and submit your score in-game at the end. And it’s also got an achievement! That’s right kiddos, Christmas did just come early.

Children’s programming just gets crazier and crazier. The bright neon-colored antics of Nick Jr.’s Yo Gabba Gabba! just might give the Japanese a run for their money.

Destroy All Zombies III? But what about Destroy All Zombies I? and II? Look, everybody knows that the third installment of a trilogy is always the best. You don’t agree? Well how about Terminator III: Judgement Day? Or Return of the Jedi? Jurassic Park III anyone? Case closed!

At Jones’ Big ASS Truck Rental and Storage, Toby Jones will store anything for $10.99 a month!!!

Okay, I apologize. I’m sorry I made you read instructions. I’m sorry I made you use your memory. I’m ashamed of myself for trying to make you engage your mental faculties. We can go back to killing things now.

From the same minds that brought us the hilarious Charlie the Unicorn comes Detective Mittens, the crime solving cat. Meow meow meow meow meow.

This game confuses me, it’s nothing like my personal experiences with air travel. For instance, I’ve never had to wait in line boarding my private jet. And who are all those other people on the plane? At most I’ve had maybe 2 personal assistants flying with me at once. Oh I get it, those are the strippers!

Although funny and star-studded, this may have been somewhat more useful before the election.

Does anyone remember that old board game Crossbows and Catapults? I loved that game so much it made me enjoy childhood despite the constant beatings.

Sweep the leg. No mercy.

I always felt that Bruce Wayne was a little off, what with fighting crime dressed up as a giant bat and all. But it all makes sense now, he’s actually just slightly retarded.

In the highly anticipated sequel to Storm the House 2, more advanced storming algorithms combined with the latest in cutting-edge house rendering technology provide the player with a completely new* gaming experience.

*similar

A game based on animals performing ritual suicide is great and all, but to make it really excellent there needs to be a way to make all the cats go first.

It’s just like Starship Troopers, except with no busty babes and no Doogie Howser. Sadly, I’m not sure which I miss more.

If I won the lottery, I’d definitely buy a penguin. But I probably wouldn’t take him flying.

A big ad. There’s not much more I can say. Just watch it. (By the way, this is also a very LOUD ad, you may want to lower your volume before it starts).

Here’s a fluffy white snowball game to start off your week. The object of the game is to roll your balls so that they are at least as big as my balls. And mine, if I hadn’t mentioned it already, are absolutely gigantic. You have your mission.

Ah, sweet sweet crude, aka petroleum, aka “The Black Gold”. Not to be confused with “The Brown Gold”, known to many by it’s consumer name, Nutella. I would smear that stuff into my eyes if it made the taste last longer (it doesn’t, I tried).

iTS JUST ANOTER TOWER DEFENCE GAME iM TOTALY BOARD OF THEES TYPES OF GAMES

There, I said it so you don’t have to. Now we can use the comments section to talk about our favorite types of cookies!

I really wanted to make up for yesterday’s blunder by ruining your weekend extra badly today. However, today’s game has turned out to be quite fun, relatively easy, and somewhat short. As punishment, I shall spend the entire weekend in not just pants, but snowpants, listen to 50 Cent’s new album in it’s entirety, and eat only gluten-free foods.

Main Entry: rage
Pronunciation: \ˈrāj\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin rabia, from Latin rabies rage, madness, from rabere to be mad; to be forced to wear pants

Finally, a little game for the Emo in all of us.

All Dig Your OwnGrave Multiplayer Games are currently undergoing public beta testing. Please look at the Dig Your Own Grave Multiplayer Games forum thread for more information, and to report bugs or ask questions.

Merry Christmas fruitcakes! It’s time to wipe that sleep from your eyes and head on downstairs to check out your presents! If you can’t find any – don’t worry – it just means that everyone in the world you love probably hates you.

Well here I was thinking this was a Halloween game, but turns out those aren’t piles of zombies – they’re piles of clones. I suck. Halloween is ruined.

I believe this dance-off actually took place.

Friends come in all shapes and sizes.

God bless the Internet, it teaches me something new everyday. By the way, if the P-word makes you blush, you probably shouldn’t watch this. You know, the P-WORD. The peeee-nis. *blushes*

If you love trousers made of leather, or just not wearing any trousers at all, you’ll love this song. Yama yama ha.

It’s a proven scientific fact that whenever you combine two things, it makes a new thing that’s better than both the original things. Like for instance, a side-scrolling shooter and a tower defense game. Or say, a golden retriever puppy and a stripper. That’s cute and sexy. Oh, but… crap, does that mean I’m a furry?

There is a common misconception that pandas are cute and cuddly, but a select few of us know the real truth: pandas are bastards. They’re only interested in three things: stealing, panda gangbangs, and sneezing. Shoot on sight I say!

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like you to meet Meat Boy. GET IT? You see what I just did there? That is how you roll a pun my friends. Damn! I am good. Okay, nap time.

Finally a point-and-click adventure that doesn’t involve a supercomputer to calculate the solution by clicking every permutation of every pixel on the screen in every conceivable order just to pass the first level. Plus, it’s getting close to Halloween and this game is frightfully delicious (and magically nutritious).

I’ve always said the best way to handle interpersonal issues is with some gasoline and a match.

Storm the House 3… errr.. *cough* excuse me, Stickman Madness 3 is finally out!

I always face a bit of a moral quandary when I post a game involving drugs. In the end I usually dedide that it’s not my place to try and tell you whether or not I think drugs are bad. That’s something you have to decide on your own. By taking mountains of drugs. And seeing if they make you feel awesome or not.

I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got the monkey?

Drunken souls… gosh, such a nuisance. I swear I get the apartment sprayed at least once and month and they still keep coming back.

In the future as I see it, cars will still be cars, except instead of steering wheels and pedals, there will just be a giant set of WASD keys on the dashboard. Also, the engine will be powered by urine.

Yellow. Black. Running, gunning. And evil robot alligators. I just don’t know what else to say. I guess they could be evil robot crocodiles. Heck, maybe they’re not even evil. Maybe they’re just misunderstood.

The Bugheads are back, and they won’t stop until they have eaten your liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. To keep your precious organs safe within your body all you need to do is shoot all the Bugheads until your monitor is red with their blood, your eyes have dried open, and your clicking finger is swollen up like a fat Polish sausage.

ZOMBIES COMIN’ UP THE HELL RIGHT NOW! SHOOT ‘EM IN THE HEAD! SHOOT ‘EM!! HIS AXE IS ON FIRE! HE KILLED YOUR PARENTS! SHOOT ‘EM IN THE HEAD!! JUMP GYPSY, JUMP!!

Pop open the bubbly, it’s time to celebrate! Fans of Boxhead: More Rooms are sure to enjoy ‘2Play’, the next installment in the box zombie series. And if you’re lucky enough to have a friend sitting beside you, or perhaps a conjoined twin, then you can also enjoy the new co-op and deathmatch modes!

Catch the children. Feed them to the eagle babies. Eagles are an endangered species*. Small children are not. So don’t feel bad.

*maybe not anymore, but whatever.

Today I am pleased to announce the launch of our very first Dig Your Own Grave exclusive game. And let me tell you, I couldn’t be more excited. The game features some of my most favorite things in the world, including guns, giant explosions, advanced force-field technology, and of course, shooting endangered manatees.

The rules of the game are simple enough. Destroy everything in your path in the virtual world, all while destroying your ENTER key in the real world. Make sweet love to the wind, and poop out some tornado babies.

This is a 2D version of Valve Software’s innovative game Portal. The goal of the game is to use the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device to complete a series of increasingly difficult room puzzles, all so that you can eat some delicious cake and listen to the crazy Portal song until you throw-up.

Look, I don’t want to scare any of you out there, but zombies are coming to eat your brains, and soon. Like tomorrow. Probably around 3pm. We’re planning on grabbing some Taco Bell first, so we may be a little late. Excuse me, they might be a little late. Heh.

That’s right folks. It’s time for another Dig Your Own Grave exclusive game. I know! It’s totally crazy. We’re pooping these things out like we just ate them for breakfast. This game features some old-skool 3D vector graphics, and a pace so fast that we can actually 100% guarantee you’ll have a stroke. Enjoy!
What happened to the old highscores?

Time to blend up some pig snouts and meat scraps! You’ve just started a new job as a hot dog vendor on the busy streets of New York, and the hungry customers are already beginning to line up. And don’t worry if a pigeon or rat falls into your hot dog mix – any real hot dog fan knows that’s just extra flavor.

I’ll be honest, this game isn’t really what I had imagined when I fantasize about being a zombie. First off, armor? Second, friends? And I had imagined a lot more brain eating. Also – less talking, more groaning.

Life is unfair. The sooner you kids learn this, the better off you’ll be. When you get older you can expect everyday life to be exactly like this game. Well, you don’t die as much – unless you count dying on the inside.

Ha! Balloon armies! Have you ever heard of anything so silly? What next, clown armies? Wait, clown armies would be terrifying.

Little known fact: 1 in 4 zombies would rather cuddle than eat brains.

PS: JUMP GYPSY, JUMP!

I remember when this game was called Moai. I also remember when I put on my pants this morning. Oh wait… no I don’t.

Tired of boring, predictable games? Has the same-old-same-old got you down? Well rejoice, for the next Dig Your Own Grave exclusive has arrived! I am so here for you fruitcakes. I am your pusher. I am your fat sweaty sugar daddy. I am the cushion for your pushin. I… might have crossed the line with that last one.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the soothing stylings of Music Catch. Enjoy it for hours with a warm cup of herbal tea and feel all your tensions slowly melt awa.. OH GOD THE BABY HAS CRAWLED OFF THE BALCONY

In 2008, the largest particle accelerator ever created, the LHC at CERN’s particle physics lab in Switzerland, was activated for the first time. Many scientists celebrated, and many particles accelerated.

No matter how cute you try and draw a cartoon hedgehog, it will never, ever, ever ever ever, look as cute as a real life hedgehog. I think it’s one of the laws of physics.

There is really no reason to fear us zombies. We’re just like you. We like sleeping in late. We read the paper in the morning over a danish and a cup of dark roast. Okay, it’s a brain danish. And a cup of dark brains. And it’s not so much “sleeping” as it is hunting human flesh. But it’s all good, we’re cool homie. What’d you say your address was?

I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is:

a) coated 200 mg Advil tablets.
b) more cowbell.
c) raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

Защищай вас ядерный арсенал из американских свиней. Я ненавижу брюки!

I don’t really have time to say too much about this game. It’s the start of a brand new day over here, and I’ve got some very important business to attend to. I can’t reveal exactly what that business is, but it starts with ‘p’ and rhymes with ‘pooping’. I mean… wait.. damn.

Way back in 1972, a company called Atari released what many people believe was the first ever video game. And today, 36 years of human and technological advancement has finally brought us the sequel.

There’s nothing I like more on a Friday night than kicking back with a good flash game, a buttery Chardonnay, and a brick of aged Swiss. What about you?

It’s time to dust off your copy of Hagakure and put that warrior spirit to good use. There’s a plague of evil wannabe samurais loose in the fields, and they need their bodies separated from their heads – post haste!