There is a common misconception that pandas are cute and cuddly, but a select few of us know the real truth: pandas are bastards. They’re only interested in three things: stealing, panda gangbangs, and sneezing. Shoot on sight I say!

In the future as I see it, cars will still be cars, except instead of steering wheels and pedals, there will just be a giant set of WASD keys on the dashboard. Also, the engine will be powered by urine.

In the future as I see it, air combat will still be air combat, however instead of advanced jet fighters, the pilots will command large lumbering balloon airships with pirate cannons as weapons. And of course, the balloons will be filled with urine.

I WAS IN THE POOL! I WAS IN THE POOL!!!

It’s common knowledge to those of us in the science community that spiders (known to the more educated as arachnids), are actually the direct descendants of giant lizards, monsters, the devil, Stephen King, and cats.

I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got the monkey?

It’s almost not fair for me to put up 3D avoider games, since this is the birthplace of the shining light in all our lives known as Vector Runner – however – I do like the style of this one. The house music soundtrack actually inspired me to crack and shake my very last glowstick. Unfortunately that old hit of ecstasy I had doesn’t seem to be work… wait… I… want to make love to my lamp.

How are y’all enjoying your summer holidays? I got a little something for you here, since I thought you might be missing your maths.

I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is:

a) coated 200 mg Advil tablets.
b) more cowbell.
c) raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

Unfortunately my degree in advanced human neuroscience didn’t cover fish anatomy, but my suspicion is that Fishy McFisherson here might have a tapeworm.

You thought I was kidding about Fish Week didn’t you? Honestly I had my doubts as well, but I tell you – it doesn’t matter how crazy your dream is, with a little elbow grease and some help from your friends, anything is possible. Especially if one of your friends is the baby Jesus.

A new day is dawning on The Great Fish Week of 2008. We’ve nearly reached the end, and I tell you I couldn’t be more excited. In celebration, I’ll be shoving a live trout down my trousers, and I suggest you do the same. It’s delightful!

And so The Great Fish Week of 2008 comes to a close. Truthfully, I’m a little sad. We had some good times with those slimey little guys, but all good things must come to an end. Anyways, I gotta get this trout out of my pants now.

(Use your prettiest fishiest picture for the highscores!)

In my version of heaven, I’m running around buck naked in a town painted in all primary colors. Every time I push three like-colored objects together they explode in a shower of skittles and puppy dog kisses, to the sound of wind chimes and children’s laughter. Oh, and there are strippers everywhere.

Don’t you think this game would be better if it had some color matching?

The game may not look like much, but you should give it a shot. Believe me kids, looks aren’t everything. I realize that might sound silly coming from a man who has amassed a multimillion dollar fortune through male modeling contracts, but a little bit of heart goes a long way too.

You guys just go ahead and let me know if this game is any good or not. Call me old fashioned, but I don’t engage in any leisure activities inspired by the idea of balls being crushed.

I’ve got nothing folks. Here we have yet another game featuring a screen full of balls, but after all these years there is not a single joke left in the great Encyclopedia Balltanica. I am in desperate need of some new material! Maybe someone could create a game where you have to strangle chickens? Or punish a naughty monkey…

Ever since the beginning of THE WAR ON TERROR, one has to be very careful about using the B-word in public. You know what I’m talking about, right? The B-thing that does the e-thing? Yeah? The… you know… a… *cough* bomb *cough* So anyways, this game OH GOD THEY’VE FOUND ME PLEASE I’M A WEBMASTER NOT A TERRORI-

To get an idea of what playing this game is like on a laptop touchpad, copy the following simple steps:

1) If you are right-handed, place the mouse in your left hand (or vise versa).
2) Wrap the mouse cord around your neck and leap out the nearest window.

In celebration of the new school year, today’s game is all about arithmetic. And don’t you dare think of complaining! If you want to be smart and successful like me, you have to learn your maths. It’s easy – just add up numbers until you reach 10. For instance: 2 + 4 + uh..7 + uh… 8… teen… Hey, look! Free XBox! *runs away*

Molten lava is no laughing matter. Unless you pour it down your friend’s pants – then it’s hilarious!

I always face a bit of a moral quandary when I post a game involving drugs. In the end I usually dedide that it’s not my place to try and tell you whether or not I think drugs are bad. That’s something you have to decide on your own. By taking mountains of drugs. And seeing if they make you feel awesome or not.

Way back in 1972, a company called Atari released what many people believe was the first ever video game. And today, 36 years of human and technological advancement has finally brought us the sequel.

This game is quite the bang for the buck. As well as being a relaxing way to spend a Tuesday afternoon, you can also collect the blood that sprays out of your ears when the music starts, and keep it in your fridge if you ever need a transfusion.

Today I am pleased to announce the launch of our very first Dig Your Own Grave exclusive game. And let me tell you, I couldn’t be more excited. The game features some of my most favorite things in the world, including guns, giant explosions, advanced force-field technology, and of course, shooting endangered manatees.

Tired of boring, predictable games? Has the same-old-same-old got you down? Well rejoice, for the next Dig Your Own Grave exclusive has arrived! I am so here for you fruitcakes. I am your pusher. I am your fat sweaty sugar daddy. I am the cushion for your pushin. I… might have crossed the line with that last one.

That’s right folks. It’s time for another Dig Your Own Grave exclusive game. I know! It’s totally crazy. We’re pooping these things out like we just ate them for breakfast. This game features some old-skool 3D vector graphics, and a pace so fast that we can actually 100% guarantee you’ll have a stroke. Enjoy!
What happened to the old highscores?

Touch all the black and white shapes before they reach the bottom of the screen. But don’t touch any of the colored ones, or this cute little puppy gets it.*

* it = big kiss on the forehead

It should come as a shock to no one that the creator of today’s game is this guy.

Can there be a better way to put an engineering education to use than to develop a game simulating the fluid dynamics of mucus? Well if there is, I don’t want to know about it.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the soothing stylings of Music Catch. Enjoy it for hours with a warm cup of herbal tea and feel all your tensions slowly melt awa.. OH GOD THE BABY HAS CRAWLED OFF THE BALCONY

What would you do if you owned a real life UFO? Take a trip to the moon? Abduct some cows? Right at this moment, I personally would take it to Dairy Queen. Peanut Buster Parfaits and chicks – need I say more?