Finally, a game perfectly suited for the youth of today. Although Oakland kids might have an unfair advantage.

What do you get when you combine amorous vampires, uptight goth chicks, boys dressed as bears, general all around gayness, stormtroopers(?), and strange communist imagery? Well… you’re about to find out my friends.

Every once and a while a game comes along that really pushes the limits of… my html layouts. I’m serious, this thing is frickin’ wide.

That will be immediately before it shreds your legs.

I’m pretty sure Dug the dog from Pixar’s new movie Up is exactly what a talking dog would really be like.

Bonus points for anyone who knows what I named the achievements after – without using a search engine. And without sacrificing their heterosexuality, which might be impossible. (That was a clue).

PS: You submit your score in the stats menu.

I wasn’t very good at this game at first, but then I just made believe the city was Oakland. Submit your score in millions (ie: if you score 23,567 million, enter your score as 23567).

Music Catch – so relaxing it’s guaranteed to make you forget to breathe, or at the very least poop your pants. Here’s hoping for the latter.

For those interested, the music in the game is by Isaac Shepard.

So the other day this pretty influential guy was talking to me, and he was like, “Admin, you are so super cool the way you make games and stuff”. And I was like, “Thanks God, you’re pretty cool yourself, the way you created the universe and stuff. Oh, except for the part where you made testicles on the outside.” Seriously, what’s up with that?

From the creators of Charlie the Unicorn and Detective Mittens, comes a really sadistic ferret.

Going back to yesterday’s discussion about RPGs, I will say they do have one common upside – no techno soundtracks.

You know who would be good at this game? This guy.

Press L to submit your score. Use any game mode you want.

If I built a castle and it looked even half as silly as some of these, I would construct a trebuchet using the bones of my wife, the tendons from my children, and the hide of my dog. I would launch my own body at the castle over and over until it was completely destroyed and any trace of the shame it brought to me was erased from existence.

From the same minds that brought us the hilarious Charlie the Unicorn comes Detective Mittens, the crime solving cat. Meow meow meow meow meow.

Crying candies. My gosh, have you ever heard of anything so sad? Somebody give those little guys a cuddle!

If this game was about falling puppies I would master it. I would play it until I could play it forever without letting a single adorable little puppy die. It is all I would do until the end of time. Kittens… meh.

Most of you are probably familiar with the 5 stages a giraffe goes through when he gets stuck in quicksand, but if you aren’t then here they are. Tomorrow’s lesson: the five stages of nerdly-arousal I go through when I watch Battlestar Galactica.

Who do you think this little rascal is chasing down in his dream? I bet it’s a dandelion field full of fluffy bunnies. But I’ll tell you why he should really be running… because I’m after him, and when I catch him I’m going to zurbert that pink little belly of his. It’s all part of my tough love program.

You fruitcakes asked for it, and now you’ve got it: Nanaca†Crash!!. So pause that episode of The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and put down your Jigglypuff doll. It’s time to save the world, crazy-ass Japanese style!

You might think that because this game is called ‘Red’ that it has something to do with Communism. And you would be absolutely right. I base that statement on nothing other than extreme paranoia and what some have called a ‘wild, dangerous’ imagination. Use your breast-shaped turret to blast those commie rocks back into the potato fields of Mother Russia. Freedom and Democracy are counting on you!

Well here I was thinking this was a Halloween game, but turns out those aren’t piles of zombies – they’re piles of clones. I suck. Halloween is ruined.

If you played the prequel to this game, 3 Hours in an Outhouse Tank, you may be hesitant to give this one a try. Understandable, but I can assure you that 3 Minutes on the Beach is a much more relaxing and enjoyable experience. Unless you’re into that outhouse stuff, pervert.

Boom Chicka Boom. Chicka Chicka Boom Boom.

Musicovery is a webradio application that lets you interactively explore music using many filters such as mood, genre, date, and energy level. If you like discovering new stuff, try unchecking the “Hit” box and check “Discovery”.

Everyone knows that inhaling helium will cause your voice to become very high. Inhaling sulfur hexafluoride on the other hand, will turn you into a demon. No, I’m serious. You literally turn into a demon.

You thought I was kidding about Fish Week didn’t you? Honestly I had my doubts as well, but I tell you – it doesn’t matter how crazy your dream is, with a little elbow grease and some help from your friends, anything is possible. Especially if one of your friends is the baby Jesus.

This is one of those games that the more I play, the worse I get. And that makes me want to play it more, which makes me suck at it even harder. It’s a vicious cycle, and it will end with me naked, crying, and possibly in the wrong apartment. 66.13 was my best, but that was many games ago…

Although this game is fantastically cool, I cannot help but think of how much cooler it would be if these talented game developers had made it about a pirate and not a ninja. Instead of lasers there would be cannonballs, and instead of all this silly jumping there would be swashbuckling. And there would also be ale, and a parrot, and eyepatches. I think I’ve made my point.