Little known fact: Neon lights were invented in 1893 by Tibetan monks as a way to make strip club signs more visible from great distances. Actually, that’s not entirely accurate. I think they were called “working men’s clubs” back then. Or nipple derbies?

Everybody knows the best way to remove red is using cold water and regular soap. Removing it before the item is washed and dried is essential. Just ask Horatio Caine.

I often dream I am falling, and wake up having fallen from the bed. Psychology tells me this is due to deep seated insecurities, but I say it’s because I sleep on a coffee table covered in baby oil.

If you’re anything like me, the first thing that comes to mind when you hear ‘pool’, is ‘swimming pool’. And thinking of a swimming pool makes me want to pee in it, because it’s such a warm, friendly feeling. And by this point I’ve usually wet my pants.

Sweep the leg. No mercy.

Main Entry: rage
Pronunciation: \ˈrāj\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin rabia, from Latin rabies rage, madness, from rabere to be mad; to be forced to wear pants

Hexiom – it’s just like Dungeons and Dragons, only minus the goblins, trolls, magic missiles, dungeon masters, dark caves, taverns, elves, dwarves, dice, nerds, more elves, chainmail armor, potions, orcs, half-elves, dragons, spells, super-nerds, giant lizard birds that you can fly, kinghts?, maidens, wizards, warlocks, witches, and… what I’m really trying to say is this game has hexagons in it.

To get an idea of what playing this game is like on a laptop touchpad, copy the following simple steps:

1) If you are right-handed, place the mouse in your left hand (or vise versa).
2) Wrap the mouse cord around your neck and leap out the nearest window.

Unfortunately my degree in advanced human neuroscience didn’t cover fish anatomy, but my suspicion is that Fishy McFisherson here might have a tapeworm.

Here’s a fluffy white snowball game to start off your week. The object of the game is to roll your balls so that they are at least as big as my balls. And mine, if I hadn’t mentioned it already, are absolutely gigantic. You have your mission.

This game is not Pacman. It is something far better. It is Pacxon. Do not play Pacxon if you are sensitive to or have ever had an allergic reaction to it. Do not play Pacxon for at least 14 days after taking a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAO inhibitor) such as the antidepressants Nardil and Parnate. Pacxon and MAO inhibitors may interact to cause a sharp, potentially life-threatening rise in blood pressure.

One of the oldest and most popular games on Dig Your Own Grave is Cubefield. It’s so simple a two-fingered monkey could play it, but at the same time it’s so fun that you will spontaneously burst into tears of joy while playing it. And, we’ve just set it up with our new High Scores system, so you might want to check that all out before you officially become the lamest lame-o on the block.

This game is, as the French say, ‘wickedly awesome’. The performance can be pretty bad, so before starting I recommend you go into the game’s configuration menu and turn motion blur and FPS Stability to OFF. Then tape a LEAVE ME ALONE note to the back of your head because you’ve got places to be (your computer) and people to see (zombies).

This game almost gets it right. No secret levels, no puzzles, no keys to unlock doors, no ‘moving around’. Just shooting lots of things that die really easily and sometimes even explode. Now if we could just incorporate a few topless women into the background or something I think we would have a winner. And maybe Korn in the soundtrack. Is Korn still cool? Okay, Slipknot then.

You know it’s going to be an awesome week when you start it off by popping massive quantities of pills.

I wonder what English speakers sound like when they try and speak Japanese?

It’s just like Star Wars, but with rafts instead of stars. Also, no lightsabers.

Remember, these are just stickmen. It’s not considered real violence if your victims are two-dimensional and faceless. And yes, that would also apply to Lindsay Lohan if you happen to run into her.

It’s tough for me to decide what I like better, Bejeweled clones, or Poppit clones. It’s kind of like trying to decide between death by fuzzy puppy kisses, or death by Brazilian supermodel kisses. It just depends on my mood.

Baby sloths are much cuter than baby humans, so I hope one day to be the father of a human-sloth chimera.

Hurray, hoorah, it’s another DDR keyboard game. But this one throws in color-matching to infuriate the color blind, and an excruciating soundtrack to lobotomize anyone unfortunate enough to own computer speakers. And why you ask? Because life’s just not hard enough.

The story is that people enjoy playing Guitar Hero because it makes them feel like they can actually play the guitar. So does that mean that people enjoy playing this game because it makes them feel like their parents actually love them enough to buy them Guitar Hero?

Some people need a trained eagle and a magic sword to bring justice to evil doers. Personally I think all you need is a coat rack and one of those oily one-legged city pigeons.

Ignite People on Fire is the eagerly anticipated sequel to last year’s hit game, Light People on Fire. This version features faster paced gameplay, better special effects, and chubbies. Burn fatty, burn.

Fear not, citizens of Earth! When goofy galactic robots invade, you will be there to fight off the invasion. The government has surgically removed your skeleton to provide you with greater agility, and attached powerful automatic weapons to your hands for combat (they are also auditing you for the 2006 tax year to increase your aggression).