Remember, these are just stickmen. It’s not considered real violence if your victims are two-dimensional and faceless. And yes, that would also apply to Lindsay Lohan if you happen to run into her.

Tired of balancing on chairs and twisting your neck to reach gold coins in those pesky hard to reach places? Let the Pojuko do the work for you! Never before has gold coin collecting been easier. Available now for only four easy payments of $129.99. Limited offer, act now while supplies last.

I implore you, EAT THE COOKIES FASTER.

In yet another sign that God loves dogs more than cats, a puppy was born in Odate, Japan with a perfectly shaped heart pattern on his fuzzy little back. Let this be a message to all you cat lovers out there - give up! With God on our side you can’t possibly win the great battle ahead.

Lately we’ve been doing a lot of bubble-popping, candy-coddling, and sushi-rolling, so today we’re going to have you kill unsuspecting innocent people by shooting them in the head. It’s all part of a balanced lifestyle.

Okay smarty pants, here is a grade 3 US geography game for you. I dare anyone to beat my high score of 22/48. That may not seem very good but keep in mind I’m a little drunk, and by ‘a little’ I mean ‘fantastically’. Also, my co-workers keep coming into my cubicle and distracting me so it’s hard to concentrate.