I know you guys think I spend all my time oil wrestling supermodels and saving forest animals from the California wildfires, but honestly that’s only about 95% of my day. The other 5% I spend making terrific games like this one. It’s sort of a retro post-apocalyptic shooter with – UH OH GISELE HAS ME IN AN ARMBAR BRB

There’s a what going on in Ira… wah?

A little over one year ago, we broke the story on a bizarre feat of German engineering – Cheeseburger in a Can. After much debate over the actual appearance and palitability as described in the catalog, our loyal European reader Nika offered to hunt down the elusive hiker’s meal and answer all of our burning questions. These are her discoveries.

What would it really be like if toys came to life? Not pleasant.

(NSFW because of swearing)

Damn nature, you scary!

Teale Fristoe, the man and the magic behind Arachnophilia, is hard at work on a new game called Xaat Disi: The Salmon Run Game. Today we’re offering you a special 2 level sneak peek. You may see a short survey after you play – filling it out will help Teale make the game better, and help me deal with these painful foot bunions.

So the other day this pretty influential guy was talking to me, and he was like, “Admin, you are so super cool the way you make games and stuff”. And I was like, “Thanks God, you’re pretty cool yourself, the way you created the universe and stuff. Oh, except for the part where you made testicles on the outside.” Seriously, what’s up with that?

I recommend reading the penguin one last. Most of the others are so bizarre and grossly disturbing that you’ll need the cute little penguin story to make you feel like living again. And remind me never to get reincarnated as an Anglerfish. Mercy me…

That’s right folks. It’s time for another Dig Your Own Grave exclusive game. I know! It’s totally crazy. We’re pooping these things out like we just ate them for breakfast. This game features some old-skool 3D vector graphics, and a pace so fast that we can actually 100% guarantee you’ll have a stroke. Enjoy!
What happened to the old highscores?

And here I was thinking that the shells were the wings. Thank you Internet.

Don’t let the beautiful dragonfly fool you – most of the bugs on this site cause me to become very concerned that one of them might be crawling up my leg.

Can you solve the mysterious puzzle of Heady Steinberg? There’s a prize if you can! (The prize is hugs and cuddles.)

Today I am pleased to announce the launch of our very first Dig Your Own Grave exclusive game. And let me tell you, I couldn’t be more excited. The game features some of my most favorite things in the world, including guns, giant explosions, advanced force-field technology, and of course, shooting endangered manatees.

Tired of boring, predictable games? Has the same-old-same-old got you down? Well rejoice, for the next Dig Your Own Grave exclusive has arrived! I am so here for you fruitcakes. I am your pusher. I am your fat sweaty sugar daddy. I am the cushion for your pushin. I… might have crossed the line with that last one.

During the 1990s, Bill Geerhart wrote letters – posing as a 10-year-old boy named Billy – to serial killers and politicians alike, asking for their advice on whether he should drop out of school, and what type of McDonald’s food they like. The responses range from the helpful, to the bizarre.

If you want to get fired from your job or be forced to attend a full day of sexual sensitivity training, then I recommend you try this at work. If you want to get arrested, then I recommend you try this in the park. (Somewhat NSFW.)

This little boy is really concerned with the well-being of his baby brother. I used to throw things at mine.

It can be hard to win the heart of that beautiful young Mexican woman during your day trip to Tijuana, when you’ve only had one semester of Spanish class.

Finally, a geography game that targets the entire world. Now all of you showoffs can prove how worldly you really are (with a Rankosaurus screenshot of course). I would post my own score, but honestly I can’t find my own apartment most nights. Thank goodness for bus shelters.

Who do you think this little rascal is chasing down in his dream? I bet it’s a dandelion field full of fluffy bunnies. But I’ll tell you why he should really be running… because I’m after him, and when I catch him I’m going to zurbert that pink little belly of his. It’s all part of my tough love program.

Oh dear. Sorry guys. Now not only do you have to stress over the fact that I, webmaster extraordinaire, p0wn you in all of our online games, but now there’s all these animals that are better than you too!

You still wake up sometimes, don’t you? Wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the beans?

PS: Who is your favorite bean?

Oh boy, we’re starting the week off with a bang. This puzzle is a real thinker. It involves chess, mathematics, and snooty female royalty. I know my education definitely helped out! (I have a Bachelors in computer science and a PhD in male super modeling).

Although not well known, Jesusasaurus Rex was by far the most feared of the dinosaurs, possessing the ability to rise from the grave and bore other dinosaurs to death with speeches about kindness.

This makes me wonder how many penises have been hidden in all the cartoons I’ve watched over the years.