Enjoy your terrorist training simulation, you godless hippie communists. I’m off to hunt ducks and light a candle at the secret Ronald Reagan shrine.

Bird lays a giant egg that gets drained by the eggplant with a scythe so it can use the shell to sell ice cream. Seed grows into a meat eating plant which gets eaten by a giant fly that after getting slapped breaks into 15 smaller flies who decide to do a scene from Hamlet. Lets not forget a fish in a tuxedo that feeds the brain of a bowling ball with a single cherry.

I am on a drug – it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once you will die, your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.

I have been bamboozled many times in my day, and I’ve learned some lessons I’d like to share with you:
1) your financial adviser should never be someone called Martin McSleeze.
2) there is no such charity as “The Breast Implants for Self-Conscious Female Chimpanzees Foundation”

I wish for $1 billion dollars, world peace, and a Tardis.

If I could play god and reinvent the world from scratch I have to admit I wouldn’t do much differently. I would however forgo the giant armored sea spiders in favor of something a little more useful, like say a mix between a puppy and a vending machine.

Silly game, everyone knows in Australia they’re not called sharks, they’re called wallamawimwams. Anyways, have a great weekend folks – and watch out for bees!

I often dream I am falling, and wake up having fallen from the bed. Psychology tells me this is due to deep seated insecurities, but I say it’s because I sleep on a coffee table covered in baby oil.

This one is easy enough, and it’s also a good test of your hand-mouse-eye coordination. Just click on the discs while your cursor is hidden. If you miss, you lose (and somewhere in the world a puppy dies).

One of the oldest and most popular games on Dig Your Own Grave is Cubefield. It’s so simple a two-fingered monkey could play it, but at the same time it’s so fun that you will spontaneously burst into tears of joy while playing it. And, we’ve just set it up with our new High Scores system, so you might want to check that all out before you officially become the lamest lame-o on the block.

Click… click.click..clickclick click.. click. clickclickclickclick. Click your way to a painful yet well-deserved RSI in this pretty little mouse-clicker. Honestly, I’ve never been so mad at a yellow square before in my life. By the way, Level 21 is as high as you can get. Why? Because that’s as far as I got and nobody is better than me. Duh.

Always wished you could juggle? Me neither, but give it a try it anyways. And as an added bonus you get to see what happens to your eyes when you don’t blink for 5 minutes straight. Fun! Fun! Fun!

I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is:

a) coated 200 mg Advil tablets.
b) more cowbell.
c) raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

Going back to yesterday’s discussion about RPGs, I will say they do have one common upside – no techno soundtracks.

Hurray, hoorah, it’s another DDR keyboard game. But this one throws in color-matching to infuriate the color blind, and an excruciating soundtrack to lobotomize anyone unfortunate enough to own computer speakers. And why you ask? Because life’s just not hard enough.

Now that you’ve had all this practice playing Double Wires, you can move on to the more challenging Pendulumeca. The principle is the same but you’ve only got one wire and it’s faster paced. And crappier. Kind of like your score compared to mine. Which was 220m.

You know who would be good at this game? This guy.

Press L to submit your score. Use any game mode you want.

FINALLY. A way to kill the monkey.

I really wanted to make up for yesterday’s blunder by ruining your weekend extra badly today. However, today’s game has turned out to be quite fun, relatively easy, and somewhat short. As punishment, I shall spend the entire weekend in not just pants, but snowpants, listen to 50 Cent’s new album in it’s entirety, and eat only gluten-free foods.

Why did she think getting on the table in the first place was a good idea?

I always face a bit of a moral quandary when I post a game involving drugs. In the end I usually dedide that it’s not my place to try and tell you whether or not I think drugs are bad. That’s something you have to decide on your own. By taking mountains of drugs. And seeing if they make you feel awesome or not.

I’m still not sold on this whole gravity business. I know a while back we determined that gravity makes pooping more pleasant, but beyond that I’m still not seeing many positives. In my version of heaven I’m just floating around town in my underwear. Oh, and don’t forget about the puppies. There are floating puppies everywhere.

Unfortunately my degree in advanced human neuroscience didn’t cover fish anatomy, but my suspicion is that Fishy McFisherson here might have a tapeworm.

Remember that crazy Snowball game from a couple years ago? Well it’s back, and now it’s in glorious 3D. Use your giant icy balls to defeat the forces of evil in the Olympic Kingdom.

If you’re having trouble with the keys, you need to update your Flash Player.

Here is yet another games about balls. It’s creator goes by the name of Robin K. I just want to make sure you’re clear on this, since holding the #1 spot on the leaderboard will obviously make you the undisputed master of Robin K’s Balls.

Shift 3 is out! Now featuring Adventure Mode. Plus some groovy player packs! And a pack of Lime Jello! Plus a 3-way sprocket wrench! And a hooker!

Move yer mouse left and right to help me keep me pint steady. TRY NOT TO SPILL ALL MY BLOODY BEER.

Now that’s pants!

Although my motocross racing days are behind me (thanks to a massive groin injury), I can still enjoy this… hmmm? Oh, no, the groin injury wasn’t caused by racing. How? Well, I really can’t get into it here… but let’s just say it involved Petra Nemcova, 20 gallons of grape jello, and a full grown whippet.

I know I said I was done with tower defense games, but I swear this isn’t one. I have play tested it thoroughly, and I can guarantee that there is not a single tower in the game, nor do you do any sort of defending. It’s actually more of a OH THE WEB OF LIES PLEASE FOGIVE ME

That’s right folks. It’s time for another Dig Your Own Grave exclusive game. I know! It’s totally crazy. We’re pooping these things out like we just ate them for breakfast. This game features some old-skool 3D vector graphics, and a pace so fast that we can actually 100% guarantee you’ll have a stroke. Enjoy!
UPDATE: Now available – Vector Runner iPhone!

The latest trend in roller coaster design is 90 degree vertical drops, and the new Fahrenheit coaster in Hershey Park, Pennsylvania, is no exception with a staggering 97 degree fall. That’s right, a drop greater than vertical. Bring another pair of pants.

In today’s adventure you’re a lowly fly, flying your way through a big bad machine. And if you see any dog poop on the way – what the heck, take a few bites. Let’s see what all that fuss is about.

For a little extra enjoyment, turn down the lights, throw on some Slayer, and treat this game as the latest advancement in mosh pit simulation.

♫ Dance with the dead in my dreams…

It’s tough for me to decide what I like better, Bejeweled clones, or Poppit clones. It’s kind of like trying to decide between death by fuzzy puppy kisses, or death by Brazilian supermodel kisses. It just depends on my mood.

Aggressive Alpine Skiing mixes guns, skiing, radical jumps and an original soundtrack reminiscent of bad European techno. Awesome!

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the soothing stylings of Music Catch. Enjoy it for hours with a warm cup of herbal tea and feel all your tensions slowly melt awa.. OH GOD THE BABY HAS CRAWLED OFF THE BALCONY

Ignite People on Fire is the eagerly anticipated sequel to last year’s hit game, Light People on Fire. This version features faster paced gameplay, better special effects, and chubbies. Burn fatty, burn.

What do you get when you cross the classic stylings of Asteroids with Macromedia Flash, 32 bit color, love, modern peripherals, a webmaster who only wears pants by court order, and delicious carrot cake? A frickin’ good time, that’s what.

Who would have thought a puzzle without the picture could be so… time consuming. But if you finish past level 10 alien technology from the future will transport you to a land of sweets and joy and joyness. It’s awesome. Trust me.

Remember that game Spin The Bottle we used to play as kids? The one where you’d sit in a circle and spin a bottle, and whoever it landed on would have to make out with a girl in the closet? Only your friends tricked you and instead you made out with another guy, permanently scarring you and causing lasting trust and relationship issues that haunt you to this day? Well this game is nothing like that.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the Zen-ness of this game as it is, but throw in some swimming zombies and strap an assault weapon to the dolphin’s head and I think we would have Game of the Year.

I’m not sure what is more challenging, keeping my bug going for as long as possible, or stopping myself from clicking so fast that I skip right over my score and start the game again. I’ve never yelled so much at my finger in my life; it’s like it has a mind of its own. A cheeky mind.

Tired of boring, predictable games? Has the same-old-same-old got you down? Well rejoice, for the next Dig Your Own Grave exclusive has arrived! I am so here for you fruitcakes. I am your pusher. I am your fat sweaty sugar daddy. I am the cushion for your pushin. I… might have crossed the line with that last one.

My favorite part of the game is the way he lies there shivering at the bottom of the stairs. Poor little fella… Somebody give that stickman a cuddle!

If there’s one thing that furries hate, it’s being locked up in Ixerron Keep. Why you ask? I’m not sure, maybe they don’t allow group hugs.

Yes, it’s the Fourth of July, and hey look, a fireworks game! I’m not going to try and tell you that this is an awesome game, but I want to point out that if you play this for half an hour it’s as good as going out in public and watching the real ones. And staying inside on holidays is always a good idea. Especially when you don’t have pants on. Learn from my mistakes people.

Here’s a fluffy white snowball game to start off your week. The object of the game is to roll your balls so that they are at least as big as my balls. And mine, if I hadn’t mentioned it already, are absolutely gigantic. You have your mission.

Lately we’ve been doing a lot of bubble-popping, candy-coddling, and sushi-rolling, so today we’re going to have you kill unsuspecting innocent people by shooting them in the head. It’s all part of a balanced lifestyle.

This is a very simple endurance game involving a bunch of balls. And now that we have that out of the way we can begin the mandatory ‘I love playing with balls’ comments in three, two, one… go!

Here is a game for when you are bored at work that simulates you being bored at work. Ingenious? Ingenious.

I’ve gotten 10 in a row so far. I must be pants!

This is one of those games that the more I play, the worse I get. And that makes me want to play it more, which makes me suck at it even harder. It’s a vicious cycle, and it will end with me naked, crying, and possibly in the wrong apartment. 66.13 was my best, but that was many games ago…

There’s an old saying, “When life gives you lemons, smash those *#$&%s into the ground with the largest club you can find. Fill the streets with their sour citrus blood until not a single one is left whole”. Or… something like that.

What is it about kittens that makes a person want to let them plummet to their deaths, or to fire them out of a cannon?

Can there be a better way to put an engineering education to use than to develop a game simulating the fluid dynamics of mucus? Well if there is, I don’t want to know about it.

Not since R.S.V.P – The Racial Segregation Party have I been so disgusted with a game. How many years has it taken us to overcome our prejudices? And then a little game like this comes along and tries to teach us that it does matter whether you’re black or white. Well shame on you game developers. SHAME ON YOU!

It’s a little known fact that before I wrote my screenplay and became a famous website Administrator, I worked as a bartender to help make ends meet. And let me tell you – I couldn’t be happier that now I have this awesome game to remind me of those horrible, horrible times.

Shooting your friends really isn’t such a big deal. Especially if they’re jerks.

This is definitely one of the neatest games I’ve seen so far this year. And as an added bonus, if you make enough bumps it actually starts to look a little like my abs.

Being a world renowned brain surgeon, I will be the first to admit that my specialty isn’t viral medicine. However, I am educated in the subject enough to tell you that this is exactly how doctors battle viral outbreaks in real life. It’s science!

Touch all the black and white shapes before they reach the bottom of the screen. But don’t touch any of the colored ones, or this cute little puppy gets it.*

* it = big kiss on the forehead

The story is that people enjoy playing Guitar Hero because it makes them feel like they can actually play the guitar. So does that mean that people enjoy playing this game because it makes them feel like their parents actually love them enough to buy them Guitar Hero?

Admin’s Corollary: Penguins are black and white. This game is black and white. Therefore, this game is a penguin.