Whenever I wake up and find myself crashed on an unknown planet, I just follow these simple steps for survival: 1) cry hysterically, 2) see if there are any cats on board that can be used as food, 3) pee on my shirt and wrap it around my head to prevent dehydration, and 4) take a nap. I always end up waking up a little later, safe and sound at home in my bed. And also covered in urine.

I was actually thinking the other day that a penguin would make the perfect pet – if it wasn’t for the constant pooping. You could bring him in the bath, he wouldn’t take much room on the bed, I bet he’d love watching tv and sharing popcorn… It really is a shame about the pooping.

Pardon my interruption, but did I hear somebody say Medieval Rampage?

Just remember… it’s never lupus.

You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise. It’s crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why is that?

I can relate. Damn crabs are always stealing my hats.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m not a big fan of fantasy RPGs, but I heard this one is pretty fun. Honestly I couldn’t get very far into it, as soon as I saw the anime-eyed pirate fighting the puffy cat cloud my gaydar exploded.

Does it make me a bad person if I just want to shoot EVERYONE?

I recently had a conversation with my brother about food poisoning, and like many brothers before us we came to a deadlock on the age old question – which is worse, explosive diarrhea or vomiting? Thankfully we can now solve this problem scientifically using a poll.

Little known fact: I invented bridges in 1635.

Little known fact: Neon lights were invented in 1893 by Tibetan monks as a way to make strip club signs more visible from great distances. Actually, that’s not entirely accurate. I think they were called “working men’s clubs” back then. Or nipple derbies?

Not to split hairs, but if the first zombie rampage was endless, can there really be a second one? I would assume the second rampage would just be an extension of the first one. It’s like if you have endless diarrhea – you can’t have another bout of endless diarrhea at the same time. It’s nonsense.

This is supposed to be a game about Japan, but I’ve been playing it for at least a half hour now and I still haven’t seen any aliens with morning wood or cats with droopy ears. Therefore, not Japanese.

Dig Your Own Grave would like to make it very clear that we feel suicide is no laughing matter. Unless a clown is committing suicide. Those big shoes are hilarious.

For the scores, enter a time of 04:35:853 as 4.35853.

I feel a little bad posting this game, since it’s such a screaming clone of Winterbells, but I love the gameplay and this version has leaderboards we can use. But at least the guy came up with an original theme – bloons and a monkey. Oh, wait…

This game, much like your mom, requires Flash Player 10 or it’s going to go all menopausal on you.

Always looking out for the future careers of my loyal young viewers, today’s game is all you need to get a jump start in the exciting field of bathroom renovation.

Fans of the original Megaman, Megaman X, and being total nerds, will love the way this game seamlessly ties all those elements together. Wait, does that say Chapter 0? We call that a “Prologue” where I come from*.

*I come from Smart People Town.

The full title wouldn’t fit so I had to abbreviate it.

A popular corollary to Godwin’s Law states that anyone who uses a Nazi comparison in an internet argument automatically loses said argument. A less popular corollary to Godwin’s Law (created by me) states that anyone who plays a flash game involving Nazis is a douche. So go ahead and click the link McDouche.