I often dream I am falling, and wake up having fallen from the bed. Psychology tells me this is due to deep seated insecurities, but I say it’s because I sleep on a coffee table covered in baby oil.

Admin: Hello. I’m looking for the best game evar. I missed you my OutZone. I love you. You complete me. And I just…

OutZone: Shut up Admin. Just shut up. You had me at hello.

Bonus points for anyone who knows what I named the achievements after – without using a search engine. And without sacrificing their heterosexuality, which might be impossible. (That was a clue).

PS: You submit your score in the stats menu.

I like games where you can combine things to make limitless combinations of other things. Actually I just like the idea of combining things in general. For instance, combining pets to make the perfect pet – like the head of a puppy, the body of a penguin, the tail of a piglet, and the bum of a robot that doesn’t poop. Perfection.

I have no idea how to submit scores in this game and that giant hand looks way too much like a spider for me to want to stick around and figure it out. You’re on your own kids! I’m off to get a burrito and a Thai massage. Okay, maybe just a burrito.

I’ll be honest with you, I had a lot of reservations posting this game knowing that we’ll have to listen to looc ask us to touch his meebles for the next two weeks. But ultimately justice prevailed.

Meeblings = Justice

Most men believe, though few will admit, that the true measure of a man is the amount of urine he pees out in a given trip to the bathroom. And even if you don’t agree, you have to admit it’s embarrassing when nothing comes out.

I know you guys love the achievements, so I spent the weekend adding some to a few of the older games: Pickies, Boomstick, Ninja Glove, and I added a hard achievement to Cargo Bridge. Now… just to be clear that’s not all I did this weekend. I also watched some Friends reruns. And cried. There was lots of crying.

Are those gems in my pockets? Gosh no, I’m just happy to see you. Very happy. Alright you got me, those are gems.

Not since I met Shifty Eyes McGee at the 1993 Carp Fair have I had an experience so… shifty.

Whenever I wake up and find myself crashed on an unknown planet, I just follow these simple steps for survival: 1) cry hysterically, 2) see if there are any cats on board that can be used as food, 3) pee on my shirt and wrap it around my head to prevent dehydration, and 4) take a nap. I always end up waking up a little later, safe and sound at home in my bed. And also covered in urine.

I was actually thinking the other day that a penguin would make the perfect pet – if it wasn’t for the constant pooping. You could bring him in the bath, he wouldn’t take much room on the bed, I bet he’d love watching tv and sharing popcorn… It really is a shame about the pooping.

Pardon my interruption, but did I hear somebody say Medieval Rampage?

Just remember… it’s never lupus.

You’re in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down, and you see a tortoise. It’s crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t, not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why is that?

I can relate. Damn crabs are always stealing my hats.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m not a big fan of fantasy RPGs, but I heard this one is pretty fun. Honestly I couldn’t get very far into it, as soon as I saw the anime-eyed pirate fighting the puffy cat cloud my gaydar exploded.

Does it make me a bad person if I just want to shoot EVERYONE?

I recently had a conversation with my brother about food poisoning, and like many brothers before us we came to a deadlock on the age old question – which is worse, explosive diarrhea or vomiting? Thankfully we can now solve this problem scientifically using a poll.

Little known fact: I invented bridges in 1635.