Baby Galves has a date with a lion, and only you can help him get there. And no, not that kind of date you perverts!

Catch the children. Feed them to the eagle babies. Eagles are an endangered species*. Small children are not. So don’t feel bad.

*maybe not anymore, but whatever.

Ah, Death by Hinge. Not quite as desirable as Death by Puppies, but still a preferred alternative to Death by Frilled Shark if you ask me.

This isn’t really a game per se, but it does recreate those halcyon moments of burning ants with a magnifying glass, and all without any of that nagging guilt afterwards.

This is a very cool little puzzle game that I think even the non-gamers will enjoy. All you have to do is get the bloxor into the hole. It’s sort of like golf, only with a big brick instead of a ball, and no clubs, and you don’t hit anything, you just sort of roll around. So like I said, nothing like golf.

Here are another 50 levels of Bloons, but this time they are created by the fans. I haven’t gotten that far, but some of these levels seem pretty ridonculous. I don’t know about you, but if I were making a Bloons level it would have 5 balloons, 20 darts, and you’d be able to kill that damn monkey.

Yes, it’s the Fourth of July, and hey look, a fireworks game! I’m not going to try and tell you that this is an awesome game, but I want to point out that if you play this for half an hour it’s as good as going out in public and watching the real ones. And staying inside on holidays is always a good idea. Especially when you don’t have pants on. Learn from my mistakes people.

This one is easy enough, and it’s also a good test of your hand-mouse-eye coordination. Just click on the discs while your cursor is hidden. If you miss, you lose (and somewhere in the world a puppy dies).

There is a stinky grey coconut shaped thing inside your skull. Some people call it a “brain” although you may have heard it referred to as “the enemy of the thing in your pants” or perhaps “your greatest disapointment”. Anyways, you’re going to need it for this one…

Drunken souls… gosh, such a nuisance. I swear I get the apartment sprayed at least once and month and they still keep coming back.

Fans of Bloons will probably enjoy this lovely little game. It won’t give you that strange orgasmic balloon-popping feeling, but the music is so relaxing you may find yourself singing Con Te Partiro to your desk lamp, and I’m not going to lie to you, there might even be some tears.

One sure-fire way to produce a hit game is to take two classic games and merge them into one. But if you want your new game to be extra awesome, then you also need to incorporate pooping. For poop makes everything better – it’s a scientific fact.

Don’t ask me how to play because I didn’t bother reading the instructions either. Just make your own pixel monster, press some buttons, and at some point take a screenshot so you can show him off to the rest of us. My guy over there is modelled off of me in that he is very skilled at smashing things but at the same time not nearly as good-looking.

Don’t turn your back on this one. It may look straight forward, but it will mess with your head. It wants to break your mojo. It will insult your mother. It’s got the hots for your sister. It will steal your dog and rename him ‘Douche’. It has no respect for you or your silly three dimensions. You’ve been warned!

Look, I take a lot of heat for hating on Japanese culture but honestly it’s got nothing to do with hate. It’s more of a friendly curiousity fueled by some sort of instinctual need to protect myself. Just play this game for more than a minute and if you can still remember how to say your own name afterwards I’ll admit that I’m wrong. (PS: I got to level CRAZY)

If you’re having trouble getting the hang of this one, try pretending that the forcefield is actually my rock hard abs, and that the missiles are the fists of super-villains. A more realistic situation like that is probably easier to relate to than all the spaceship mumbo-jumbo.

One step up on the neo-retro evolutionary scale from Dot Action 2!, comes the pixelriffic Gamma Bros. A story of two brothers and… I’m not sure actually, seeing as there’s no story. Let’s just say they’re looking for their lost parents. Space parents. And there’s an evil villain. Probably a giant space cat.

Take off your shirt and whip out your glow-sticks, cause it’s car racing time – clubbin’ style. WARNING: It has been statistically proven by a famous scientist (me) that if you do not finish this game in the one minute alloted to you, crazy euro ravers will burst into your room and break all your furniture and maybe kill your cat.

It is a time of great magic and chivalry. You are an über D&D nerd, sitting behind a… oh wait, I mean you are a brave knight, defending your kingdom from the onslaught of the enemy hordes. Your skills with myspace pages are… oh damn, I mean your skills with the bow-and-arrow are legendary. Go forth and defend your kingdom, brave knight!

It was almost a year ago today. I had just downed my last bottle of ‘88 Grand Vin de Leoville. I stripped down to my underwear, openned a family size tub of Skippy, and spent the rest of the evening getting friendly with a sassy little flash game by the name of Stickman Madness. Ahhhhh… the memories.