The Japanese have no respect for Flash games. What are these little totem guys? Where is the shotgun? Shouldn’t there be zombies somewhere? I demand bad techno music!

Like me, have you always felt that Green Arrow was the lamest member of the Justice League? I know he had that hot green suit and the awesome pointy goatee, but the bow-and-arrow seemed like such a silly weapon compared to Superman’s heat vision. Well boy were we wrong! The bow-and-arrow is the best weapon ever!

Hey, I think I’ve got a better name for this game. Maybe TOO DAMN HARD Syndrome or perhaps ARE YOU KIDDING ME Syndrome. I was also thinking that it might be easier if you didn’t have to create those loops to clear away parts of the board, but instead you had some sort of explosive device, maybe like grenades or a low-yield nuclear weapon.

What do you get when you cross today’s brightest minds in software engineering with the latest advancements in graphical acceleration technology? You get a game with two geometric shapes and two colors. But it is kinda fun.

ZOMBIES COMIN’ UP THE HELL RIGHT NOW! SHOOT ‘EM IN THE HEAD! SHOOT ‘EM!! HIS AXE IS ON FIRE! HE KILLED YOUR PARENTS! SHOOT ‘EM IN THE HEAD!! JUMP GYPSY, JUMP!!

I’m not sure what is more challenging, keeping my bug going for as long as possible, or stopping myself from clicking so fast that I skip right over my score and start the game again. I’ve never yelled so much at my finger in my life; it’s like it has a mind of its own. A cheeky mind.

The Bugheads are back, and they won’t stop until they have eaten your liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. To keep your precious organs safe within your body all you need to do is shoot all the Bugheads until your monitor is red with their blood, your eyes have dried open, and your clicking finger is swollen up like a fat Polish sausage.

What do you get when you cross the classic stylings of Asteroids with Macromedia Flash, 32 bit color, love, modern peripherals, a webmaster who only wears pants by court order, and delicious carrot cake? A frickin’ good time, that’s what.

Today we’re going to divide ourselves into two groups. Those who are destined to become brilliant scientists and cure the world’s ailments, and those who are destined to sort glass. All you have to do to find out is get one set of frogs to one side, and the other set of frogs to the other. No biggie, right?

It’s not as pretty as Storm the House, but it’s a little easier to play. And you get to blast helicopters. Would it cause you discomfort to know that the helicopters are piloted by puppies and kittens? It’s true. And they’re awfully cute. In fact I think they’re wearing bow-ties! Adorable!

Who would have thought a puzzle without the picture could be so… time consuming. But if you finish past level 10 alien technology from the future will transport you to a land of sweets and joy and joyness. It’s awesome. Trust me.

Hell is a bad, bad place. There are burning lakes of fire, chains around ankles, endless physical labor, and even though the chicks are wearing next to nothing they are super needy. Little Loki wants out real bad, and only you can help!

I’m not sure that this game is any good or not, but damned if it isn’t the most relaxing thing I’ve ever played. The sounds are really gentle, and even the enemies are all slow and laid back. They’re like, “Chill dude, we’re coming to get you, we’re just gonna grab some lunch first; haven’t eaten all day mon amigo!”

If right now you have the option of trying this game or instead heading to the bathroom and smoking a giant brick of crack cocaine, I would highly recommend that sweet, sweet crack cocaine. It’s scientifically proven to be less addictive, and who needs teeth anyways?

My strategy with hand-to-hand fighting games has always been to smash as many buttons as I can, as quickly as I can, all while acting like I know exactly what I’m doing. It’s the same strategy I use at work when sitting in front of the computer, and it has worked as well for me there as is does in this game. And that is to say very, very,very, badly.

Mondays… Now I don’t want to be at work any more than you do, but there are easier ways to get fired. So put your pants back on and let’s do it the right way by playing flying hamster games on the company dime. This one is a lot like Kitten Cannon, only it’s a little less random because you can use your mouse to control how the hamster glides.

Okay, everyone all at once now:

MY BRAIN. IT TEH HURTS.

What’s about 5 stories high, made of wood, has no leaves, and needs defending? Absolutely right, a dead tree. And who’s going to defend it? Right again, you are. And who’s going to help? Well not me, I’m too busy watching that cat taping video.

We haven’t done a puzzle game for a while have we? I’m pretty sure we haven’t. This game was originally created ten thousand years ago circa 21 A.D. by ancient Mesopotamian goat farmers as a way to pass the time between their morning chores and Viking attacks. Aaaaaaaand… I just made that up.

This is one of those tower-defense-type games, only with this one you get in on the action a little bit. It’s been around for a while, but unlike me not everyone is a walking Flash game encyclopedia, so I thought I’d share. And also unlike me not everyone has the figure and features of a Greek god, but unfortunately there’s nothing I can do about that.