Twenty-five levels of electricimicating puzzles await you, and as an added bonus upon completion you will be rewarded with your wildest fantasy come true. Assuming of course that your wildest fantasy involves finishing an online puzzle game. Trust me – sometimes it’s good to set that bar low.

Protect the delicious mushrooms from the squeaky dog toys and the animatronic bears. Because if you don’t… there’s gonna… uh.. *crickets chirping*

I have always dreamed of a match three game that would let me do matches while the board is still rearranging. And now that such a game is finally here, it is every bit the orgy of color, particles, and extravagance that I imagined it would be.

aNY commNT leFT withoUT tHE proPR uSE OF MagnetiZR capitalizatiON wiLL BE promptLY deleTD. yOU haVE beEN warND!

(BonUS poinTS fOR leaviNG oUT soME E’s).

I like these games where you click on units at the bottom of the screen and then after a little countdown they just pop out of a magical metal birth canal. I wish I had one of those in my apartment, but instead of army units it would make Nutella sandwiches, puppies, and Swedish massage therapists.

Dear Notebook, today at school we learned how 2 make a lvl 10 lighting bolt spell. Boooooooooring. But Notebook, Stephen Watson actually came up and talked to me!!!!!!!! To me Notebook!! But then that stupid B-I-T-C-you-know-what Melony came up and started flirting with him right in front of me! I HATE HER SO MUCH NOTEBOOK!!!!!!

Whenever I find myself in a room with a dead hooker *cough* I mean girl, I follow these three simple steps my dad taught me: “Stop, Drop, and Roll”. That stands for: stop what you were doing, drop everything, and roll on outta there.

It’s like a tower defense game, but it’s not a tower defense game. But it’s tower defense. I can’t explain! It’s madness!

YESSSSSssssss…

My apartment. The final frontier. These are the voyages of my only partially clothed body. It’s continuing mission: to seek out tivo remote batteries and mold-free leftovers – to boldly waste life like no one has done before!

See now? The Civiballs is back. I told you if you don’t wipe them out the first time they’ll just come back even worse than before. You gotta keep using that special shampoo even if it looks like they’re all gone.

Here’s another Ragdoll Cannon squeal for you. *squeals*

Any game that can incorporate Victorian era women using the phrase “What the deuce?” gets immediately posted here. It’s one of those rules that can’t be broken… what do you call them? Right, a Commandment.

It always starts with a small favor. Maybe you do some dog sitting for an afternoon, or just proof read someone’s resume. But next thing you know you’re helping carry a washing machine up two flights of stairs, and not long after that you’re dressed in assless chaps dancing to Rihanna in front of a live webcam. Trust me, just say no.

Every once and a while a game comes along that really pushes the limits of… my html layouts. I’m serious, this thing is frickin’ wide.

Werewolves are nothing to be afraid of, just think of them as really grumpy furries. If you trap them in a room with internet access they’ll be quite happy using the time to update their LiveJournal page instead of eating you.

My least favorite part is getting smothered by the balls.

There’s an age-old saying where I come from: if it looks like Tetris, if it feels like Tetris, and if it tastes like Tetris when you smother your monitor in long loving licks, then it is Tetris.

Aim for the heads. For logistical reasons all stickman vital organs are crammed into their cranial region. Except for the lower intestine, which travels in a straight line from their head right down to the poop chute. Now see? Don’t tell me you never learn anything from coming here.

You know what else kills? Lots of stuff. Though apparently being bitten or crushed by reptiles does not.