Do you hate balls? How about primary colors? Circles get you down? Then for the love of god don’t go anywhere near this game. It hates you as much as you hate it and it will sleep with your wife, make friends with your children, and tell your boss what you really do at work all day.

I think this game should have a second game mode where you get to play as the geek. In that version as soon as the cheater gets too close you get to shoot him in the face. Either that or start crying, which is what I used to do *cough* I mean, that’s what the geeks used to do when I cheated off them. Which I did all the time. I’m such a badass!

I almost feel like I need to apologize for this post.

There’s only one thing you need to build a house, and that one thing is your brain. Wood, nails, hammers, ladders, all that stuff is for wussies. You just need your brain and maybe some large yellow cubes. Your house will suck, and you’ll die if you live in it, but that’s still all you need!

Coincidentally, I have my very own set of real life “Indestructotanks”. I call them “my fists”. Get it? My fists. HULK ANGRY! ME SMASH!

If you were a pirate and you ran out of cannonballs for your cannon, what would you do? That’s right, you’d start firing your pirate buddies out of your cannon instead. Because you are a pirate, and you are so crazy-out-of-your-mind that it’s awesome. If you were a ninja you’d probably just cry.

If there’s one thing that bees love, its coins. And stinging other bees. And thus is the paradox of your life as a bee. Collecting coins but not getting stung by your fellow bees while you do it. And rocking hard, don’t forget you always got to rock it hard.

You young whipper snappers! You’re so spoiled by your fancy videogames these days. A real game doesn’t need more than 20 pixels on screen at any one time. And 4 colors is plenty! Any more than that and the developer is just compensating for an incredibly small penis.

Oh noes! Some bad fuzzy bears have robbed a bank and taken hostages! You control a crack team of 4 special agent Warbears sent in to save the day. When you’re done you can just tell me what to do, because so far I’ve only been able to make the one bear blow up his bear buddy. And that, unfortunately, is not part of the mission.

There are two distinct things you hear while playing this game. The first is the oddly enjoyable soundtrack, and the second sound, which is sort of like a high pitched whine, is your eyes drying up into little white raisins because you haven’t blinked for the past 10 minutes.

Although this game is fantastically cool, I cannot help but think of how much cooler it would be if these talented game developers had made it about a pirate and not a ninja. Instead of lasers there would be cannonballs, and instead of all this silly jumping there would be swashbuckling. And there would also be ale, and a parrot, and eyepatches. I think I’ve made my point.

Although the medicinal effects of popping balloons have never been scientifically proven, the South African Supahfa-izzle tribe have been using the technique for over a century. Critically ill tribe members are give a large pin and placed in an enclosure filled with giant, colorful balloons. And although the patients still die, at least they die smelling of balloons.

I don’t want to start any nasty rumors or anything, but I heard from a friend of a friend that if you don’t finish all 18 of these squarilicious levels right now, your toes will grow webbing and your mother will stop loving you. It’s very sad but unfortunately very true. Rumor has it, that is…

Aggressive Alpine Skiing mixes guns, skiing, radical jumps and an original soundtrack reminiscent of bad European techno. Awesome!

Puzzle Quest is a simple RPG with a twist. The combat system is, well, a game of Bejeweled. Although that sounds pretty weird, the game is actually very addicting, and I’m not just saying that to make myself feel better for having played the demo for the past two hours. Download it and see for yourself.

This game is, as the French say, ‘wickedly awesome’. The performance can be pretty bad, so before starting I recommend you go into the game’s configuration menu and turn motion blur and FPS Stability to OFF. Then tape a LEAVE ME ALONE note to the back of your head because you’ve got places to be (your computer) and people to see (zombies).

This is what you get when you combine Pong, fluid dynamics and neon! Check out the video, and then download a free copy of the game.

The controls in this game make me want to pry out my teeth with a spoon, but once you get the hang of them the game is pretty cool. Especially the way the guys blow up and one of their body parts looks like a honey baked ham. A delicious honey baked ham. It’s really the only reason I play.

This is a very simple endurance game involving a bunch of balls. And now that we have that out of the way we can begin the mandatory ‘I love playing with balls’ comments in three, two, one… go!

If your nose and ears start bleeding while you’re playing this, don’t panic. It’s just your brain trying to kill itself. Silly brain.