Life is unfair. The sooner you kids learn this, the better off you’ll be. When you get older you can expect everyday life to be exactly like this game. Well, you don’t die as much - unless you count dying on the inside.

Did I ever tell you guys I could have been a ninja? I dunno, I just figured being a brain surgeon was a more noble profession. It’s also a lot easier on the joints.

I think I remember this game - only when I played it I was on my stomach behind the television trying to figure out what was wrong with the surround sound. And it suuuuucked.

Not since R.S.V.P - The Racial Segregation Party have I been so disgusted with a game. How many years has it taken us to overcome our prejudices? And then a little game like this comes along and tries to teach us that it does matter whether you’re black or white. Well shame on you game developers. SHAME ON YOU!

AAHHHH!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! AAAHHHH? Ah? Ah! Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh…

Click groups of three or more like-colored blocks to make them disappear. Don’t let the blocks reach the top or something bad will happen. I’m not going to say exactly what, but it may involve your mom, three stray cats, 1 jar of spaghetti sauce, former UFC heavyweight champion Tim ‘The Maniac’ Sylvia, and a lightbulb.

In the game of Multiball Madness, I can guarantee you will experience two things. The first is balls. Multiple balls. The second is madness. Pure, unadulterated madness.

You’re on your own for this one guys. I have a fear of spiders that is all too real, and a reaction to seeing them that is all too feminine. As soon as those fat mutants started crawling down the screen I yelped like a chihuahua and ran straight into the bathroom.

You may have wanted to kill yourself while playing Paint Wars, but it was necessary in order to get your wrist in tip-top shape for today’s game. You see? I wasn’t doing it to punish you, I’m just trying to make you into a better gamer. And give you carpal tunnel syndrome. Play on medium or hard for highscores.

Before the invention of the photocopier, copiers were people who worked in large warehouse-like rooms, copying polygons for the military so that the United States did not fall behind in the Shape Race. Prepare to relive this exotic history with Dupligon.

A most excellent prize awaits you at the end of these 40 levels. It’s not a badge or some silly cyber-trophy, it’s a little something I call self-respect. That’s right folks. Better clear out your calendars.

I’ll be honest, this game isn’t really what I had imagined when I fantasize about being a zombie. First off, armor? Second, friends? And I had imagined a lot more brain eating. Also - less talking, more groaning.

I’ll be honest with you, I haven’t taken the time to figure out if all the levers and dials in this game actually do anything special. I’m a busy man, I’ve got important things to do, and this chest isn’t going to shave itself.

I was originally going to call this post Fancy What’s In My Pants?, but I decided that would have been highly inappropriate for a post title. Yet somehow highly appropriate for the post content. I know you guys never even read what I write here anyways.

The Monkey is back. He laughs at your suffering.

The screenshot may look pretty, but 5 minutes in and you’ll be wishing for death. Lucky for you suicide will be difficult because the tendons in your wrist should have seized up by then.

Remember that crazy Snowball game from a couple years ago? Well it’s back, and now it’s in glorious 3D. Use your giant icy balls to defeat the forces of evil in the Olympic Kingdom.

If you’re having trouble with the keys, you need to update your Flash Player.

If 2007 was the year of games about my balls, then 2008 is shaping up to be the year of games about playing with yourself. Man, game developers are perverts.

I’ve always said the best way to handle interpersonal issues is with some gasoline and a match.

Some people have been complaining that lately there have been too many games on the site that require thinking, and not enough, and I quote, “vilence and killing htis site sucks ****”. So here’s a game that requires thinking AND is all about tanks and explosions and sci-fi technology. Now everyone will be happy, right?