Games

Sure, Guitar Hero is great for all you kids who are aspiring to be greasy-haired rock stars. But what if your musical aspirations consist of playing keyboards in a fruity Euro house band? Well Up Beat is just for you my friend! Turn up your speakers, grab a glow stick, and try not to stay up too late.

You kids and your trendy ‘old skool’ 8-bit games… Bah! When I was a kid we only had 1-bit games and our monitors were 1×1 resolution. Basically the screen would just flash black and white until you vomited, so don’t you dare complain about this sweet little Atari 2600 Dodge ‘Em knock-off.

In an attempt to add some excitement to an otherwise very mellow game, the rest of this post will be in German. Die Luftblase Schweine ausrotten, die deinen desktop Schirm eingedrungen haben! Dein Land hängt von dir ab!

Atom Juggler is like that old Juggler game, but in this one you get to juggle atoms. Just like those clown scientists you always see downtown. Anyways… don’t forget you can press pause during the game and buy powerups for your paddle!

Quite possibly the greatest game in the history of mankind. And probably the only game in the history of eternity to feature a ‘Critical Slap’.

We have your grandmother. She is tied to her rocking chair and suspended above a giant pit of cobras, spiders, wet cats, and drunk bridesmaids. To get her back safely you must follow this link and then keep the little blue square inside the big orange square for at least 60 seconds. Do it, or granny goes bye-bye!

You still wake up sometimes, don’t you? Wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the beans?

PS: Who is your favorite bean?

We’ve combined pooping with Tetris, and the results were pooperrific. Now it’s time to combine the United States of America with Tetris. And the results are… pooperrific?

The greatest minds in computer science have banded together to create a revolutionary new gaming experience. And if anyone knows anything about it, let me know. In the mean time here’s a game featuring some triangles and circles that makes you hate your hands.

I can’t promise you you’re going to ‘rock out’ when you play this, but I can promise a sharp pain behind your eyes, and possibly some bleeding out of the nose and ears. Have fun!

The wars of the future will not be won by bravery or technological dominance. The wars of the future will be won by whoever can type the commands into their Warbot 5000 the fastest. I have forseen it.

Baby Galves has a date with a lion, and only you can help him get there. And no, not that kind of date you perverts!

Catch the children. Feed them to the eagle babies. Eagles are an endangered species*. Small children are not. So don’t feel bad.

*maybe not anymore, but whatever.

Ah, Death by Hinge. Not quite as desirable as Death by Puppies, but still a preferred alternative to Death by Frilled Shark if you ask me.