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Games

Wandering Eyes
categories: Games

Wandering eyes are the reason why all my relationships have failed. My obsession with putting googly eye stickers on animate and inanimate objects has spiraled out of control.

Flash’s Bounty
categories: Games

If you think Flash’s Bounty is hard to pronounce, try saying Slash’s sexual solicitation. I had to say it at least 50 times during the court hearing in 1992.

Mainland Wars
categories: Games

My only goal in these types of games is never to win, but to shape my conquered territory like a giant penis.

Just Type This
categories: Games

Just type this, huh? Well last time I blindly listened to that I ended up on a Chinese cargo ship as an entertainment for the sailors. So, no thanks- I like my privates touched only by the people I love. That would be me and my doctor.

A Day At The Library
categories: Games

If I had spent a few more days at the library when I was a kid, I might have turned out to be a successful spaceship scientist, brain physician, or perhaps the mayor of a small village. Instead I talk to people on the internet and masturbate frequently. Let this be a lesson to you kids.

Tiny King
categories: Games

I can relate to this. You can steal my money, my anti-depressants, my collection of matryoshka dolls- but don’t touch my cake. I will literally end you.

Hook
categories: Games, HTML5

This game has really got me… hooked. GET IT? It’s a pun. Hooked, because I love hookers.

Sky Quest
categories: Games

Sky Quest: online Flash game or the search for a vacant airplane lavatory after the in-flight meal – you decide.

The Rogue Puzzle Game
categories: Games

This game has gone more rogue than Sarah Palin during the 2008 elections.

Assembots
categories: Games

Well this is annoying, looks like I’m going to have to talk to a lawyer. I patented this idea back in 2003. Oh wait, nevermind. I thought that said AssBots.

Kingdom Of Liars: Stonepath
categories: Games

The Kingdom of Liars game was created as social commentary on the current political system in America. I know this because the developer and I are friends and he told me during a polo match in the Hamptons last week. We were celebrating my 23rd birthday. I also own a rocket ship and a full grown tiger named Atticus Roarski.

Gravitee Wars Online
categories: Games

It’s a multiplayer sequel to this awesome game. Yes, it requires a quick registration. Yes, it will take 40 seconds of your precious time, but let’s not pretend you have anything better do do with it. Your privates will still be there afterwards, and your mom still won’t be home. Because she’s with me.

King’s Rush
categories: Games

Speaking of King’s rush, I wonder if they had adrenaline sports in medieval times. Maybe something like catapult toss or stealing the bread without getting your hand cut off.

Undead Run
categories: Games

Angry Husky: Speaking of undead runs- I had one of those recently. I filled up 7 pairs of boots and even had some left for jacket pockets. That’s right, I’m branching out into all the clothing items now. Watch out.