I have a few stories to trade if anyone is interested. Unfortunately they’re all about my ingrown toenails, chronic UTI, and my collection of Whoopi Goldberg autographed black and white photos. Any takers?

You know, when someone tells me this is the weirdest president we ever had I like to remind them that Carter claimed he saw an UFO, Johnson loved to present his johnson (teehee) to unassuming people, Kennedy was a pill popper, Reagan was obsessed with horoscope.. Not to mention Washington -that motherf*cker had like thirty goddamn d*cks!

Fruitcakes rejoice! I am back from my long vacation. I know there are many thoughts swarming in your tiny brains now, for example “wtf, he’s alive” or maybe “what does this guy need a vacation from”, but I can assure you I don’t care about any of it.

We all know Christmas would not be Christmas without this bipolar monkey. At least that’s what my mom says when she argues with the rest of the family about inviting me for dinner.

Alright fruitcakes, time to start seriously preparing for Christmas! I prepare by making a giant list of cookies I’m gonna bake, and then on Christmas morning I eat the list and pretend it’s cookies.

This cat travels more than I do, but then again I have a lifetime ban for owning a passport. It’s best if you don’t know why, it’s for your own safety.

Finally a hump day, things get much easier after this for hard working people. If there’s any hard working people on the premises, please inform me if this is legit.

My search for that elusive G-switch is still fruitless. I’m starting to think I’m doing something wrong. Maybe actually getting a woman to participate would help. Maybe.

Wowza, this was a Thanksgiving weekend to remember. Without going into any details, it ended with my uncle Morton being dragged into a police car wearing only a confederate flag, dangling his privates around and yelling something along the lines of “protest against this giant pipeline, you damn liberal hippies!”.

That’s right, you read that correctly. You’re all fat, and by that I mean you are engorged with joie de vivre and love for your family and friends. Oh, and you’re also morbidly obese. Happy Thanksgiving!

It’s Thanksgiving week, fruitcakes! Time to eat until buttons on your pants fly off and murder someone. Oh, and it’s also time to be thankful. I’m thankful for Costco and the sweatpants I buy there so I don’t murder anyone with buttons. Amen.

When grim reaper finally comes to collect my soul, he better be dashy. No one wants some dude looking like Russel Brand to take him on his final journey to afterlife.

I hate to disappoint you, but no one in this game has a lupus. Also, has anyone moved to Canada yet? My bags are packed, but I’m waiting for Whoopi Goldberg to go first and let me know how that worked out for her.

I had the honor of hearing an epic cluck once in my lifetime when the hen laid an egg a size of a coconut. So basically she clucked epically and then died from internal injuries.